Moving Along, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise | @MDWorld

July 1, 2016 Victor El-Khouri 0 Comments

It’s hot, I’m cranky, and my internet and cable are intermittent at best.  Let’s imagine how wonderful life would be if I were your benevolent dictator.

•  First of all, Time Warner Cable would get its act together.  I mean, really  What am I supposed to do?  Read my books on paper?

•  Nobody is allowed to start up his motorcycle before 11 o’clock on a Sunday morning.  Really, dude, is your penis that small that you have to make an urban residential neighborhood sound like Mad Max when people are trying to sleep?  As punishment, any offenders are sentenced to a cross-country flight in a middle seat next to a crying baby.

•  The sidewalks are immediately made wider, and pedestrians must obey basic rules of traffic.  Stay on the right side. No more stopping in the middle for a conversation.  You have something to say?  Do it on the edge.  Offenders will be elbowed.

•  No one is allowed to walk more than two across unless one or more of the following conditions apply:  Holding hands with children; Helping the elderly; Conjoined triplets.

• Tourists must get learners’ permits before they enter mid-town.  This means they aren’t allowed to walk by themselves, but must always have a responsible New Yorker with them so they don’t walk like grazing cattle.

•  Anyone walking on a public sidewalk while looking at a phone (unless it is on fire) will be tripped.

•  City streets (and aisles at comics conventions) are not your private photo studios.  You cannot expect foot traffic to stop just because you want to take a picture.

•  All backpacks must not become front-packs, so you see the people you are ramming in the face.  You get two mistakes, and after that, your victims allowed to publicly shame you.

•  Guns will be disintegrated, because I hate them and see no reason for them to exist.  If, by some fluke, I do not have the power to make all firearms disappear, I will demand that the people make a choice:  They can have guns or they can have toddlers.

•  Bellies on women will be recognized as evidence of a lust for life and it’s joys (including childbirth), and, as such, will be considered sexy and desirable.

Martha Thomases, Media Goddess, clearly loves tourists in the abstract way more than she likes them in her neighborhood.