Love and Marriage, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise

June 11, 2011 Martha Thomases 31 Comments

As the columnist here with the longest marriage, I have to confess to some confusion about the Anthony Weiner controversy, at least as it regards morality.  He did something stupid (I’m a decade older than he is, and even I know that nothing is a secret on the Internet), but I’m not sure he “betrayed:” his wife.

The man had consensual mutual masturbation – long distance – with women who presented themselves as being over 21.  Commentators (I’m looking at you, Chris Matthews) question whether the women were, in fact, of legal age.  I question whether they were, in fact, all women.  A lot of the appeal of the Internet is the ability to be whomever one wants.

Married people masturbate.  Happily married people masturbate.  Just because two people are married doesn’t mean their sex drives are magically in sync.  A loving spouse will do his or her best to accommodate the hornier partner, but sometimes one just has to take matters into one own hands.

And married people (happily married people) are often attracted to people to whom they are not married.  Sometimes, we think about these other people when we’re turned on. I find that the older i get, the more diverse the pool of people to whom I’m attracted.

For example, when I was younger and went to shows, I’d spend a lot of time, not listening to the music per se, but trying to decide which musician would be best in bed.  Now I’ll make the same judgments about people in my subway car.

(And as I get older, my taste broadens.  For example, Rick Hoffman isn’t particularly my type, but I saw him in something and decided he’d be like a bulldog in bed, and now I’m greatly cheered whenever he’s on.)

New technologies are almost always first utilized for masturbatory purposes.  If you don’t believe me, watch Kristen Schaal on this episode of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.  People, even members of Congress, using the Internet for masturbation is no real surprise.

I, myself, have flirted online.  I haven’t actually sexted, because I’m a professional writer and it seems too much like work.  Instead of being aroused, I’d be distracted by which adjectives are most appropriate, and why was my partner using the passive voice?  Am I supposed to do all the work?  Being a copy editor is noble work, but it’s not sexy.  Still, if it works for you, mazel tov.

The most recent scientific research into human sexuality suggests that the idea that there is only one person who can and should be your sexual partner for your entire life is a false ideal.  Humans simply weren’t designed to be monogamous.  That doesn’t mean monogamy is impossible, or that it isn’t the right choice for some people, but it’s a choice, not a biological imperative.  Understanding this fact makes it much easier for a couple to adapt to monogamy if that’s what they want, or to work out an arrangement that works for them.

There is a frightening anti-sex attitude coming to the surface in this controversy, and it reflects America at our most puritanical and least fun.

Personally, I’d prefer my partner have virtual sex with another person instead of actual sex, which is the understanding Weiner had with his wife (according to what he said at his press conference).  Those are the rules of their relationship, and those rules are none of our business.  As long as every action involved consenting adults, it should not be a matter of public debate.  Weiner didn’t wrap himself in so-called “family values.”  He didn’t try to make anyone else’s relationship illegal.  He was stupid and sloppy (and he shouldn’t have lied, but many of us would in that situation), but so what?

And I’d rather my partner have actual sex with another person than resent me for the rest of his life.

Are we now going to demand resignations of everyone with a fantasy life?  That puts the country in the hands of those with the least imagination.

Media Goddess Martha Thomases has no naked pictures of herself, and the only topless ones are from when she was two.  Thanks your lucky stars.