Inglewood Up to No Good, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #5

December 30, 2008 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 2 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,
In the Los Angeles Times this Sunday, there was a front page story accusing the officers under my supervision of using excessive lethal force.  What can we do to repair our image?

Jacqueline Seabrooks – Chief of Police, City of Inglewood

Jacqueline,
Come on.  Your department has shot and killed five unarmed suspects since 2003.  Coincidentally three of those suspects were under the age of 25 and black.  One of the others was a schizophrenic.  The LAPD, a bastion of departmental ethics and a department that oversees a population greater than 20 times as large has killed fewer unarmed suspects since 2005.  You need to chill your people out.  They aren’t living in a Tupac song.

In the same period, since 2003, your officers have fired on moving vehicles four times, an act forbidden by most police departments.  It’s hard enough to navigate through the LA area without having to avoid the entire city of Inglewood.  It’s probably safer to live in a Michael Bay movie.

At least we can count on you to suitably punish those among your ranks that do sully the name of your department.  In 2002 off-duty officer Willard Salmon shot and wounded a paroled carjacker at Dodger Stadium, well outside his jurisdiction.  Salmon’s version of this story was deemed “not credible” after two groups of witnesses disputed his claim that the carjacker attacked him and said that Salmon and his girlfriend tried to recover the shell casing before LAPD arrived.  Certainly Salmon received a harsh internal rebuke.  Oh wait, your department waited eight hours to administer an alcohol test and then cleared him of all wrongdoing.  Salmon is now assigned to investigate officer-involved shootings.  He can join other hard-nosed detectives on that squad which has included officers in the police union.

The biggest problem you have is one of image.  You guys are getting away with murder; at that point why not go further?  The top police departments at least have the presence of mind to drop a gun at the scene.  You guys must have a bunch of unsolved crimes, couldn’t you be pinning those on these dead guys?  Then instead of front page exposés you’ll be receiving medals.  I can see the poster now, “Stop drop (a weapon) and roll.. to a crime-busting medal.”

Lastly, hire a god damn publicist.  Here’s a quote from you, “We interact with people who are exceedingly violent and resistive to the lesser levels of force, and we don’t always shoot them.” You said this.  To a reporter.  If you’re going to embarrass yourself this badly you should at least shoot the reporter as he’s walking away.  That tape recorder must look at least as much like a gun as a rolled up t-shirt.  You need someone to handle the press.  Might I suggest Media Goddess Martha Thomases?  She’s fantastic; you never hear about any of the people we shoot.

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Art and Chris met in 2003 at Hofstra University where they both worked on Nonsense, Hofstra’s only intentional humor magazine. They have been working together ever since. They currently share an apartment in Los Angeles. Recently their apartment was recognized by the United Nations as the highest concentration of “Yo’ Mama” jokes in the western hemisphere.