The Return Of The Death Ray by Michael Davis: Straight No Chaser #95

December 5, 2008 Michael Davis 30 Comments

I’m about to go big bad Negro on a major appliance company. I spent a GRIP (to the un-hip among you re: republications- a ‘grip’ is a lot of money) on THREE yes THREE (3) washing machines.  The first one stopped spinning and in a stupid attempt to unplug it and then restart it I fell and broke the glass door. I almost broke my neck but even thou I was madder than McCain (“I CAN’T BELIVE I LOST TO THAT B…”) I knew the breaking of that door was my fault.

Because I have NO patience to wait for anything (Except business deals- A deal takes the time it takes) I immediately bought another one. After a few uses the second machine stop spinning. The same thing that happened to the first machine. I called the company who sent out a repairman who promptly told me that the problem was not covered. But he fixed it then told me that the problem would occur again because the issue is a ‘defect’ in the way the machine was made. Some weeks later the same thing happened again. Another repairman was sent out and this time I was told it could not be fixed and it was not covered.

Long story short, I went freaking nuts, I called the manufacturer who AGREED   to refund 80% of the purchase price of the next machine. This was agreed upon only after I informed them I would make such a stink that it would make the ‘War on terror’ look like a GREAT P.R. move in comparison.

I thought the smart thing to do was just replace the damn machine with another model but this is the best that they could do. I was sent three (3) letters from the company stating CLEARLY what our agreement was.

So I bought yet another machine and sent in the proof that I did. Did I get a check? No-I got a letter telling me that they were not satisfied with what I sent them.

W.T.F?

I sent them proof that I bought another machine and everything else they asked for and they sent me this bullshit letter?

OH NO THEY DID-ANT.

If I don’t get my check within the next few weeks I will PUBLISH everything they sent to me and link the MANY websites where dozens of other consumers who are dealing with this SAME issue. Then I’m calling my JEWISH LAWYERS and it’s ON. Why make a point to say ‘JEWISH LAWYERS?’ because in my opinion they are the BEST.

I know, I know this may get pricey but I don’t care. I WANT WHAT I WAS PROMISED! So if I have to spend more than the washers are worth, then so be it-I will NOT be fucked with…period. Trust me when I say the world will know what kind of screwed up operations this major company is running. Can I win? I don’t have to and I don’t care if I do. What I care about is EVERYBODY knows how I was treated.

Or to put it bluntly-it’s DEATH RAY TIME!!!

I’m the kind of guy who will make you regret ever screwing with …ever!!!

I hate HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE, HATEHATEHATEHATEHATE…HATE; companies who talk about ‘service’ then treat people like shit.

Costumer service? Ha! I say HA!

For those of you that don’t know yes, I have a Death Ray. Yep, I have a real life Death Ray. I’m capable of hitting a target 3000 miles away. I can take out an entire country if I so desire. What am I doing with a Death Ray? Hello!!!! M.O.T.U. here. That stands for MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE and as M.O.T.U. I get to have a Death Ray…that and I read comic books.

The time for asshole companies to stop treating people like dirt is now.

So that is why you were targeted Blockbuster Video. Why you Blockbuster? I’ll tell you why…not to long ago YOU, Blockbuster Video announced ‘…no more late fees.’

So why do I get a call from Blockbuster telling me that I would be charged the full cost of a video if I did not return the film before a certain time?

W.T.F?

I took the video back on the day it was ‘due’ and I was told I was going to be charged a ‘restocking’ fee.

Here’s my conversation at the store:

M.O.T.U: Why are you charging me a ‘restocking’ fee when there is no late fee at Blockbuster?

Tool of Blockbuster: Yes sir it’s a fee to restock the film.

M.O.T.U: You are charging me a fee to place the film back on the shelf??

Pawn of Blockbuster: Err…yes.

M.O.T.U: Give me the damn film and I will put it back myself.

Evil henchman of Blockbuster: I can’t do that sir you don’t work here.

M.O.T.U: You won’t work here either if I unleash MY DEATH RAY!

Target of Death Ray: Your Death ra…?

ZAP!! 

I recently went to a strip club (research for a book I’m writing…yeah that’s the ticket) they advertise free admission on Thursday nights. When I got there ON THURSDAY NIGHT and I was told that there was a ten dollar ‘drink fee’ that you had to pay on admission.

W.T.F?

I would tell you the name of the club but it’s not there any more…Death ray.

I’m looking for a new truck. I went to a car dealer who tried his best to tell me how to buy a car. He kept lowering the monthly payments.

Asshole.

Anybody with any brains knows that lowering the monthly payments does NOT lower the price of the car…duh. I told this idiot FORD DEALER on Ventura Blvd in Woodland Hills CA. I wanted him to lower the price of the truck and that the only reason I was even in there is because the new F150 truck is badass. He told me that if money was an issue that I should consider a pre-owned car.

W.T.F?

Instead of working with me like an adult this PUSSY continued to treat me like a silly teenager who was about to buy his first car. So now instead of a F150 I’m looking at the new Dodge Ram, which costs twice as much as the F150, and it’s even cooler. Why not just go to another Ford dealer? Hells no, fuck Ford. This is the company whose CEO took a private jet to Washington during the worst economic time since the great depression to ask for money.

No that’s wrong. The Ford CEO did not ask for money he, along with two other idiot CEO’s BEGGED for money. Begged like a stupid whore who needed money before her pimp beat her ass. Well when Ford goes belly up maybe I’ll return to that dealer and buy that truck for pocket change.

Or maybe I will use my Death ray…

Man, I just hate when companies assume they can get over on you. I simply have a NO tolerance for anyone that thinks I’m stupid. I’m not the one on TV in front of 200 million Americans BEGGING FOR A BAIL OUT.

Lastly, there are about a dozen bill collectors calling my home looking for someone who is not me. I have tried a MILLION times to explain to these guys I am NOT who they are looking for. Now-I no longer tell them it’s not me instead I promise to pay them money but first they must get their daughters to service me sexually. I also tell them they are welcome to sue me and invite them to do so while calling their mothers fat sluts. In fact I come up with the worst stories I can imagine and tell them that.

I went so far as to tell one bill collector something so horrible that I just knew the police would show up at my door.

Nope, the very next day I got another call from the SAME bill collector company just asking for money

Assholes.

Why go though all this? Here’s why, these people simply hang up when they speak to you and your number goes back in the computer to be called again. Over and over.

NOBODY takes the time to make sure they are not calling the wrong person-they simply go on to the next sucker on their list. So I now make it my JOB to waste their time as much as I can. I have even agreed to payment plans and when they call back and ask where the first payment was I simply say; ‘I spent it on white women and watermelon, asshole.”

The next day I get another call.

DEATH RAY TIME.

So be warned washing machine company, you are about to be done like an ugly girl looking for attention at a frat house drunken party.