You People by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #97

December 19, 2008 Michael Davis 27 Comments

Michael Jackson was once the biggest star in the world, now at best he is the butt of silly jokes and at worst he will be remembered as a footnote in the music business he changed. He changed the music business, he changed music. His influence is STILL being felt and his legacy may be a knock knock joke.

His downfall is entirely his fault. Who knows what was going though his mind when he made the statement that’s it’s “ OK to share your bed with a child.”

Shit. That was stupid.

Trust me this is a painful thing for me to write. I’ve met Michael Jackson, I’ve almost been in business with him twice, and I’ve been to his family home.  Worst of all I was the biggest straight fan in the history of Michael Jackson. Man did I love me some Michael Jackson and The Jackson Five.

Mike, I know you are a comic fan and I know you are still cool but dude, however your current state in the world is your doing and no one but yours.

That said you are still the baddest motherfucker who EVER hit the stage…period.

People have jumped on Mike like there is a video of him with a toddler. There is none. There is a video of a certain big time soul singer with an underage girl who just beat that rap but there was NO public outrage on that guy.  If that singer were convicted would there have been a public out cry? Maybe, maybe not. I could care less.

If he was convicted it would have been his own fault. Not mine, not yours but his.

President Bush has one of the worst- if not THE worst approval rating in the history of the presidency. He really screwed up the country; man oh man did he screw up the country. He screwed up the country so bad that a black man won in a landslide!

How screwed up is that? Imagine you are married to the sexist woman alive and you are such a bad lover she leaves you for vibrator.

A black vibrator.

A BIG BLACK VIBRATOR.

You know WHY she’s picked a vibrator and not another guy? Because she wanted to make SURE the job got done. Her next move will be to call me…

We elected Obama because he can get the job done. After four years of Bush the American public wanted to make sure we GET the job done. Now people are jumping on Bush like he is the Anti-Christ. Yeah, I’ve done it also but you know what?

Bush has grown on me.

Wait!! Don’t go!

Come on admit it, he’s a likable guy. He really is. I realized this when I saw how cool he was when he ducked those shoes hurled at him last week while in Iraq. He made a joke out of it; he often makes jokes at his own expense.

That to me is, likable.

OK, OK he is the reason the whole WORLD hates us but that aside, he’s pretty likable.  He’s also grown on me and the reason the USA is in the state it’s in is not all Bush’s fault.

Nope.

It’s YOURS.

I mean if you are a republican who voted him in TWICE, YOU are responsible for the state of the country. I’m not responsible at all. I never voted for him once.

Not me buddy. I take NO responsibility for W.

It was crystal CLEAR after a few months on the job what kind of man this guy would be. Look, I have a HORRIBLE short-term memory but I remember some of the things this guy said:

“Bring it On.”

“Mission Accomplished.”

“If you are not with us, you are against us.”

“I’m the decider.”

“Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?”

“I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.”

“That Hillary has a GREAT big ass for a white girl!”

I am not making this stuff up. Well except for the ‘Hillary’ one, that’s all me.

Bush really said all of the above stuff. And he said most of it in his first term.

His first term.

Now talking like an idiot is not a crime. Neither is acting like one…unless you run the FREE WORLD. Then that may be a wee bit of a problem.

Look let’s be serious, George Bush is not an idiot…his son is!

Blam! RIM SHOT! I’m here all week, try the veal!

Sorry, let me try this again. George W. Bush is not an idiot. He really is not. He is simply a guy who thinks he is right and damn everybody else. All jokes aside I like that. That is in fact a lot like me. I could give a flying fish what everybody else thinks at times I go with what I want.

But, I’m not President Of The United States.  I’m just Master Of The Universe.

W, you did the best you could and yeah you royally messed up a LOT of stuff dude but hey it’s not all your fault you had help. Help from a bunch of small-minded assholes (yeah I finally used the A word but it took me 870 words to get there so I’m trying) that voted you in twice.

Why say this now?

I’ll tell you why. I’m a simple guy (must A V O I D obvious Bush joke) if you tell me you are going to hunt down the terrorists who made 9/11 happen then do that. Don’t divert my attention by invading a county that had NOTHING to do with 9/11.

If you tell me you will provide great Internet service then do that. Do YOU hear me TIME WARNER?? I swear if I get up ONE more freakin morning and your service is down I’m switching to AT&T. I had the same damn problem with Time Warner Cable and that’s why Direct TV is in my house!! Oh, and while I’m at it, where in the hell is the TOY LINE FOR STATIC SHOCK??

Like I said I’m a simple guy; I don’t care if you are the President of The United States Of America or the President Of Time Warner, do what you say you will, or I will take action.

I would be a complete asshole (1053 words before I used it again) if I continue to use a service that was horrible, or vote for a man who was doing a horrible job. Bush was voted in twice. He clearly was messing up in his first term and YOU people voted him in again. Oh how I love saying that…YOU PEOPLE.

So again, why now? Well I’m starting to hear little rumblings from the ASSHOLES (1127) on the right. These idiots are starting to try and link Obama to the scandal in Illinois. “What did he know? When did he know it?” They are also starting to criticize his lack of actions on the financial crisis.

He’s not even President yet and he’s doing the job wrong according to some of these geniuses. Yeah the very same jokers are starting again with their stupidity. Remember how they went after Bill Clinton when the country was in the best shape in a century? I do.

Look, I could give a shit what the mailman does with his penis as long as my copy of Asian Chick Monthly is in my mailbox every month…in the plastic.

You people! HA! Sounds kind of crappie when it describes you eh, Mr. & Mrs. Right? YOU tried that ‘Real American’ shit and it did not work. You tried to scare us, AGAIN and it did not work and now you are slowly ever so slowly trying to screw with Obama even before he takes the job.

Good luck, I hate to tell you all this but… we are on to you.

Or at least I am.

So every so often I will use my one small voice to remind people that YOU PEOPLE help destroy our goodwill around the world to say the least. It won’t just be in this column, nope, it will be in every comic book I create, every novel I write, every TV show I produce every goddamn thing I do because this time YOU people will not get your way.

Yeah, I remember the contract with America and the Moral Majority. I also know that porn outsells every single other category in video history at least 10 to 1. So MOST Americans enjoy a bit of the nasty and there is nothing you can do about it.

So how’s that for morals?

Now YOU people remember this, it’s OUR time and you have two options, you can help or move to Utah.

Stop worrying about how other people live and just keep in mind that you don’t know everything.

In fact judging from the fact that you put Bush in office TWICE you don’t know shit.