Can’t start a fire without a Sparks, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #7

January 13, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 6 Comments

Dear Art,

This past weekend, the satiric community lost its brightest star, me.  As of Saturday January 10th I have decided to dedicate my life to the revolution.  California has outlawed all alcoholic beverages that are ‘spiked’ with caffeine.  Among these beverages is Sparks, the drink that dragged my lazy ass through college on the hazy back of its caffeinated camel.  Granted, Sparks has many side effects.  After consuming this sudsy stimulant outbreaks of awesomeness have been known to occur.  I for one found that the more Sparks I consume the less drunk I become.  Ahh Sparks, saccharine sweet savior, and now the state of California has told me it’s illegal for me to drink.

Giving up my mad Michael Davis World money will be difficult.  I expect without my comedic creativity PopArt and…??? will quickly deteriorate into a mediocre dissemination on the minutiae of economics in the Marvel Universe.

Apparently Sparks is a beverage targeted at the teen and tween crowd.  I too find Hannah Montana unbearable without knocking back a few.  Throughout high school I drank.  Alcohol is to beverages as porn is to literature.  Whenever I had access to porn, liquor, or both, I indulged.  Hell, I wish Sparks existed when I was in high school then maybe I would have passed a test or two.

Here’s my problem.  Now that Sparks is illegal I’m supposed to believe that underage drinking in California has ended.  This in the same state where kids that can’t pass remedial science, cook meth in their basement.  I suspect that if a teen wants alcohol and caffeine they’ll figure out a way to get their fix.  Some enterprising kid is bound to find a way to stop the explosive reaction vodka has when combined with Red Bull.  Bottom line, I believe California is attempting to legislate parenting, I don’t think Sparks is righteous, but I for one am tired of the government taking away things I enjoy in the interest of removing responsibility and accountability from the citizenry.  Does anyone really believe the government should legislate parenting?

-Chris Toia, MDW columnist

Chris,

I think people would be very interested in my thoughts on the Marvel Universe economy.  Their constant state of crisis would have crushed consumer confidence and the number of incidents in New York City would probably have resulted in them moving most of the finance industry out of town.  I have no idea how the Marvel Universe New York ever go out of the 80s.  You’re right this is boring.

The main contention of the case against Sparks was that they made misleading claims in their ads and that those claims were mostly designed to make their product more appealing to underage drinkers.  At a Christmas party this winter Chris and I were discussing this matter and when we explained that Sparks was “a mix of beer and Red Bull” a 19 year-old at the table instantly perked up.  Sparks couldn’t be more popular among college kids unless it could come to a party and play acoustic guitar.

I know there’s some alcoholic haze and the folly of youth clouding this for you but the stuff tastes like Tang made with urine.  Also, it doesn’t make you less drunk it just makes you a hyper, more annoying drunk.  There’s no defending this product on any level except as a cheap quick drunk.  It’s a malt liquor for white kids and hipsters.  Shockingly when it targets these communities there’s a public outcry.

I agree that we can’t legislate good parenting but we can certainly use government to attack a vile product that misrepresented itself in ads that targeted a demographic illegal to target.  It’s the same thing as when we said cigarettes couldn’t have cartoon characters as front men.  Chris, certainly you remember the time you took up smoking because there was something about Joe Camel’s face that you just loved.  Sure you were 22 at the time and you had this revelation of Christopher Street at 3am but it was still predatory advertising and we should protect our kids from it.

That’ll do it for this week.  Join us next week for the shocking return of one half of Pop Art… and Chris once he realizes he needs charisma to lead a revolution.