Kelloggs Sells Crack to Kids, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #11

February 10, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 2 Comments

Dear Art and Chris,

Next week I’m going to be in Los Angeles, and I was wondering where I could score some of that sticky Cali Green?  Oh sorry what I meant to say is as a 14 time Gold Medal winning athlete I feel that I must show an appropriate amount of remorse.  Remorse at losing my lucrative million dollar endorsement deal with Kelloggs.  Goodbye Wheaties Box, hello High Times Sportsman of the year.  This sucks, Wheaties paid me money, High Times bought me a box of Wheaties, but I had to give them back the box so they could make a bong.  Is there anything swimming related I can do to restore my image as one of America’s greatest, most wholesome, athletes?

-Michael Phelps, Olympic Swimmer

Michael,
We don’t know where to score weed, but sources tell us its easy to get a medical card and purchase marijuana legally in the state of California.  Just don’t use appetite loss as an excuse, you’re already famous for your 10,000 calorie a day diet.

We are a little surprised you were dropped by Kelloggs, the company that’s slinging Smacks.  We feel this sends the wrong message, keep the kids doped up on Smack, but keep these Smacks fiends off dope.  Basically, Kelloggs seems to feel that endorsing someone who has used pot is the same as endorsing the use of pot.  However, they don’t feel that naming one of their flagship cereals after heroin is problematic.

Dude, in today’s world we’ve all had to untag a few bad Facebook photos.  However, its never cost any of us a potential 80 million dollars in endorsements.  We’ve been to parties before with jerks, the only thing worse than a jerk is a dickbag with a camera.  Stay away from parties with dickbags.  Here’s a quick test, if the guy handing you a bong is holding a camera and asking you to say cheese, go to a different party.  The least you can do is roll deep to a party. Your entourage isn’t going to let some jerk slaughter their cash cow. Notice how the pictures we have of famous athletes doing drugs have never surfaced.

Hell man, we’ve heard you came from Baltimore.  We watched this documentary series once on Baltimore, The Wire. We’ve learned that smoking pot in Baltimore is the not smoking pot of the rest of the country.  Near as we can tell you’re allowed two murders.

Maybe it’s been said before, but the problem we’re having addressing your question is that we’re not entirely sure what the big goddamn deal is.  USA Swimming issued this statement when they banned you from competitive swimming for 90 days, “This is not a situation where any anti-doping rule was violated, but we decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero.”

We believe that USA Swimming should be disappointed, Michael broke no rules and now must face punishment, that’s the message we’re supposed to believe kids need.  You swim fast our expectations beyond that are non-existant.  Certainly you should be a model kids follow for athletic success.  There’s no reason why people should expect you to be a role model in any other way though.  Here’s the real problem, the stereotypical pot-smoker is supposed to be lazy and unmotivated, two things that certainly don’t apply to you.  The next time some kid is getting a lecture from their parents for smoking pot the kid’s going to yell back at their parents that Michael Phelps smoked pot and was still successful.  You’re punching a hole in a myth cherished by many Americans, and throughout history when people buck status quo they face severe penalties.