Stupid Cupid, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise

February 7, 2009 Martha Thomases 7 Comments

A week from today is St. Valentines Day. People will send as many as a billion cards via snail mail, perhaps giving the USPS a reason to live. Men will look forward to getting some loving from grateful women when they present the proper tribute. Florists and candy stores will be busy. Victoria’s Secret will be mobbed.

If you’re a straight woman in love, it’s much more difficult. There simply are no romantic gifts for men.

Think about it. If a man wants to make a woman swoon, he knows he should send her flowers at her office, where all her colleagues can see how much she is loved. If he’s smart, he’ll send several arrangements, scheduled to arrive throughout the day, each more spectacular than the last.

If he wants to melt her heart, he sends chocolates. This tells a woman that the man wants to increase her sensual pleasures. It says he wants to please her. It says he loves her just the way she is.

If a man wants to flatter her, he gives her lingerie. Not cheap nylon panties, but beautiful, expensive garments made of silks and laces. These gifts say she is beautiful, and he wants to adorn her magnificent body with items that will glorify her flesh.

If a man wants to let a woman know he considers her to be a pearl beyond price, he buys her jewelry. Diamonds always fit, and they go with everything. If he can’t figure out which gems and precious metals are politically correct, he can buy vintage or estate jewelry, and let her know he thinks she’s a classic.

If he likes her, but isn’t sure how serious he might be about the relationship, he can still score points by giving her a stuffed animal. A teddy bear says he finds her inner child delightful.

But can women send the same messages with these gifts? Let’s consider.

A woman can send a man flowers, but chances are, instead of impressing him and his friends, it will make him an object of ridicule. He will be teased mercilessly. She can send him a plant instead, which won’t cause teasing, but is oddly impersonal.

A woman can send a man chocolates, but he’ll just eat them. All. In one sitting. He won’t notice that they arrive in a red velvet heart. He’ll probably also drink beer to wash them down.

A woman can give a man sexy underwear, but he won’t wear them. He’ll be too self-conscious in the locker room. Also, what passes for sexy underwear for men tends towards silk boxers, which are not really that hot, or tight little briefs, which most men don’t like to wear. As a fashion tip, let me point out that the hybrid knit boxers slim, elongate and (ahem) enhance a man’s physique.

A woman can give a man jewelry, but it’s a gift that’s either too personal or not personal enough. Cuff-links and tie-tacks do not touch the skin. A necklace, bracelet, or ear-ring will not coordinate with every man’s style. Rings say too much, and will make him run away, unless he’s giving her one, too.

Give a man a stuffed animal? He’ll think she’s his mother. He may love her, but it won’t be sexy.

Magazines like Cosmopolitan often suggest you give him a coupon book, redeemable for kisses, caresses, and other enjoyable, loving acts. This sounds great, and he’ll be happy when he receives your gift. But plan ahead. Do you really think you’ll get aroused when he hands you a coupon? Is that an action that will sweep you off your feet? Or are you more likely to think he’s whiny, pathetic, and insensitive to your needs?

If it’s your first Valentines Day together, get him a book about Georgia O’Keefe. It’s art, it’s flattering, and, if he doesn’t get turned on, you’ll know he’s not a good match for you.

Martha Thomases, Media Goddess, is remembering that 31 years ago tonight, she knew that Mad Dog was the best match for her.