Path to Power = Path to Loneliness?, by Tatiana – In The Mix #12
March 12, 2009 Tatiana EL-Khouri 1 Comment
In the last few years after college, among the gallery openings, film screenings, award show, and Hollywood party invites; the invitations to weddings from my college friends have increased at a staggering amount. It’s about that time a year again- more engagement announcements and wedding albums are popping up in email. Sometimes I feel like I’m not on the same wavelength as my peers. When I mentioned my observations to a few of my friends, their response was, “What do you care? You’ve chosen the path to a successful career not marriage and a family.”
Really? Me? Huh???
Yes, I know what you are thinking:
Duh!
Tatiana you are probably too picky.
You need to get out more and stop working so much.
Guys may be intimidated by your drive and power, you think of toning that down?
I don’t understand why people automatically place that stigma on me because I happen to be a strong, goal-oriented woman. Goals are great- in fact I feel they are necessary to achieve success, they act as a map, a guide of sorts.
So why is it that my goals to be a successful career woman, make people leap to the conclusion that having a marriage and family are not destinations on my path?
Or that a women’s strength or drive makes her an unsuitable mate for a man that also possesses strength and success?
Or that I must being looking for a pushover who will allow me to walk all over them like a business conquest?
I recently had lunch with a comedian friend of mine, Erik Griffin. As we were catching up, we began talking about the effect Feminism has made on the strength of relationships and gender roles today. He made a joke that the following were attractive qualities in females that draw men; selfish, crazy, and dramatic but independence and strong minded are not. We then went on to talk about how the women’s equal rights movement has created a distinct shift in gender roles, leaving men feeling emasculated and a new breed of power executive women complaining about being unfulfilled and unsatisfied, wondering where all the good men have gone and why those men aren’t looking for them.
I’ve been outspoken, opinionated and driven long before I knew what a 401k was, what a CEO did, or knew about company acquisitions. The person I eventually settle down with will not only understand me but appreciate my strength and find it attractive. I strongly believe that behind every strong man is a strong woman. The most successful relationships are a true partnership and collaboration of mind, body, and spirit to create a unique union that celebrates life and all the variety in it.
Society is quick to put labels and place things in neat, tidy boxes. According to those societal norms and antiquated notions, my natural drive and risk taking in business deem me as aggressive, and hard. In a traditional sense of relationships, somehow that make me less attainable, approachable or soft. Whereas a man would be praised and applauded in the workforce and viewed as a solid suitor and provider for the same qualities.
I’m living my life, attaining my goals, testing my limits, chasing my dreams, thinking outside the box, and shaping myself along the way. In a day where two incomes are necessary for the bulk of Americans to survive and provide for a family, why are single women given a hard time for investing in creating a solid financial foundation and doing things that make them happy?
When did a career or a family become choices that didn’t coexist?
Vinnie Bartilucci
March 12, 2009 - 6:15 am
The idea is still there that women “cannot have it all” for some reason. Apparently there isn’t enough room in the female brain to juggle books, keep the husband and kid(s) happy, and still have enough mental real estate left to be able to think about shoes.
Men, on the other hand, seem to be allowed the job and the family. I think it’s because it’s assumed men will have a woman helping them. While a woman will only have a man helping them. And this is the MEN thinking it.
Which is why you see a lot more successful lesbian couples.
Martha Thomases
March 12, 2009 - 6:19 am
Hang in there, and don’t settle.
You can’t have it all, in the sense that you can be a high-flying CEO, creative artist, socialite, wife and mother. Days only have 24 hours.
However, you CAN find someone to love you for your true self. And you can use each day to the best of your ability, juggling your responsibilities in a way that works for you.
Yes, you’ll make compromises. Yes, it won’t be like the movies. But it will be the solution that works for you.
Also, any man who is intimidated by you doesn’t deserve you.
pennie
March 12, 2009 - 7:10 am
Martha said it so well, especially, “Also, any man who is intimidated by you doesn’t deserve you.”
Gender roles are such a mine field. No old rocking-chair-bound fogie, still from one who has explored all sorts of roles and relationships I came away knowing it is possible to forge a personally satisfying life with a mutually respectful, loving relationship as an important part. And I have real high standards.
Yes, there are real idiots of all persuasions out there. But just as true, no matter the direction of your attraction, there are some jewels. Hey, I’m no grand prize and though it took me years, I found one.
As a woman Tatiana, you recognize we have much baggage to haul. But we can be selective in how we pack our purses. If we can’t have it all at once, we can certainly pick and choose the time, place and participants and spread it out. JMHO
Mike Gold
March 12, 2009 - 8:14 am
We are who we are, and eventually we find the right partners. You can’t find the right partner if you try to be somebody else. It just can’t work.
Personally, I’ve always been attracted to independent, intelligent and strong-minded women. This is because I honor the art of conversation and, let’s face it, in a long-term relationship you’ve got a lot of conversation ahead of you. I admire people who have the courage to stand up for themselves. I appreciate people who are strong enough to share their lives without greed.
And, after about a million years, I hit the jackpot — twice at once! Linda and I have been married 15 1/2 years, and her daughter Adriane, who is now our daughter Adriane, is of the same stock. It’s awesome; I revere every minute. Even those minutes that don’t work out; that’s part of the deal. A relationship requires an enormous amount of work, but there’s nothing more rewarding.
Sadly, such maturity only comes with age and experience. I wasn’t ready for this until, oh, about 15 1/2 years ago. And I’m hardly “mature” today.
At first, men mature more slowly than women. Then, both genders tend to mature in different areas and in different ways. A relationship requires an enormous amount of effort from all concerned but always keep this in mind: it’s worth it.
Barbara J Carter
March 12, 2009 - 9:32 am
Relationships (at least good ones) take time. If you’re working an 80 hour week, it’s going to be hard to meet good men and date them. There’s only so many hours in a day. Texting and IM’ing are not the same as a face to face conversation, walking slowly holding hands, or having a good snuggle by the fire. You have to spend time on it, big chunks of time. But if you are willing to put in the time, I know for certain there are men out there who appreciate and even prefer intelligent and talented women.
Shane Kelly
March 12, 2009 - 10:16 am
A wisened “Bar Sage” of mine gave me a couple of pearls of wisdom (and several more cocktails) one night, while discussing this sort of thing.
I was going through one of my many rough patches, courtesy of my first marriage. So, I asked my Sage, “What happened, and what went wrong?”.
You see, I thought I had married a girl (she was 24, I was 22 at the time) who used to get me, and stand with me through thick, through thin, and she did, up until that point in time. We shared the same beliefs and dreams. Needless to say, I was awfully confused.
My Sage looks over at me and shakes his head, smiles, and downs the rest of his Vodka Seven, almost shot-like. Then he tells me… “Kiddo, there is one thing in this life that I am certain of, and have lived through time and again. (at which time, he slaps his hand on top of my shoulder grabs it tight, and looks me dead in the eye) So, listen good and listen well… Men marry women…hoping they won’t change…Women marry men..hoping they do… If you can remember that next time, you’ll be fine” He then proceeded to buy another round and wax poetic about our beloved White Sox.
I wound up getting divorced a few years later, and told myself that I was done. That I would never get married again, never be treated in that way again, never have kids and lead a fairly hedonistic life from that point forward… Which of course, led me to my “Amazing Amy”, who “got it” and “got me” and now 8 years, marriage, 3 1/2 children later (she’s expecting again), I have never been happier in a relationship or in my family life.
Business-life, on the other hand, is another animal entirely.
So, there you go…My 2 cents…For What it’s worth.
McCarthy
March 12, 2009 - 10:17 am
I don’t think “too picky” is necessarily a bad thing, in an age where spell phone contracts last longer than many relationships.
Did I say “spell phone?” I meant cell phone . . . read GEE, WHIZZARD! every new comics Wednesday on MDW — now IN COLOR!
Reg
March 12, 2009 - 12:22 pm
Yo Tatiana!!
Brown bagged Steel Reserve here!! ‘pstuusch’ ….. ‘slllluuurrp’ ‘aaaahhhh.’ Got two on ice.
😉
On the serious. Co-sign with Ms. Carter. We’re out here. And yes..the real takes time.
Jim
March 12, 2009 - 9:27 pm
I grew up with a grandpa that was a successful lawyer, great career man, loads of money, but as a family man, was a bit of a flake.
Well, okay, a HUGE flake. Since then, I kinda just took it for granted that if someone ever decided to chase down a career with 100% commitment and drive, that a family life would be the price. Male or female. For me, I’m still thinking I won’t get married until late in life since so much of my life is devoted to other stuff.
I don’t know, though. I’m still a kid, and when it comes to this stuff, I won’t presume to know anything.
M
March 12, 2009 - 10:32 pm
…And stay on your natural path!
I know the double standards you present in your article are unfair. However stay on your path and continue to not allow that to be a deterrent.
My mom has a very strong personality and was very successful in her field while maintaining integrity. It always amazed me how far her reputation stretched throughout the L.A. area and beyond. (Sound great…but it sucked for me! Cause, that meant wherever I went growing up…people were watching. I would come home and she would tell me exactly what I was doing!!)
I remember her being very busy, yet she also managed to keep my dad happy and raise three brilliant children. BTW…If one is to find any lack of brilliance in me, it is because of my own doing not hers.
I like Mike Gold’s comment: “We are who we are, and eventually we find the right partner. You can’t find the right partner if you try to be someone else. It just can’t work.”
And to reiterate what everyone else has said so far. There is someone out there for you, and he will accept you for exactly who you are. He will also find you strong personality very attractive!!
R. Maheras
March 13, 2009 - 2:18 pm
I don’t know if I agree that there is a hard-and-fast double standard — I think younger people who are male OR female are putting their personal lives on hold much longer than previous generations. But women do still unfairly get flack from some quarters for trying to juggle both personal and professional lives — as was obvious when Sarah Palin burst onto the scene last years election.
Still, I remember when I got married at the age of 24 back in the late 1970s, my mother-in-law kept asking my wife, “He’s not married yet? What’s WRONG with him?”
Well, since my wife and I have been married 30 years now, I hope my dear mother-in-law’s worries have abated. But the point is, I guess I was just ahead of my time. For example, my younger brothers and sister all married even later in life than I did, and both my daughters are in their mid- to late 20s and are unmarried (although my youngest is getting married later this year). Times have changed.
I’ve noticed one other thing seems to have changed: Even in this era of computer dating, it seems that young people are having a harder time than ever meeting nice people.
Tatiana
March 17, 2009 - 1:21 pm
Thank you for all the encouragement and words of wisdom. When I first read the comments I taken back by the overall warm and fuzzy supportive tone of the comments. The MDW community is truly one of the best on the net!
Tatiana
March 17, 2009 - 1:23 pm
@ Pennie – “As a woman Tatiana, you recognize we have much baggage to haul. But we can be selective in how we pack our purses.”
That is a fantastic quote!
Tatiana
March 17, 2009 - 1:27 pm
@ Vinnie- “Men, on the other hand, seem to be allowed the job and the family. I think it’s because it’s assumed men will have a woman helping them.”
I grew up with the notion that it takes a village. I know chasing after the pie in the sky and growing my own family will be I can’t be at a stay at home mom. But I have the example of my parents who have been married for a few decades and both worked full-time.
My grandmother, aunts, and cousins had a huge hand in my upbringing. When you have a community behind you, the strength will help support.