You Suck, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #107
March 6, 2009 Michael Davis 33 Comments
Every time I sign into my website there is a welcome paragraph from my server it says as follows:
Hello Michael, your site has been up for 216 weeks. We hope you’re having a great experience. Keep checking your Main Menu for the newest features and tools, inspiration for your site, gift giving ideas and more. Check out Upgrade My Site for a great deal any time you need more power or features.
That’s real easy to understand, clear and to the point.
Yep-clear and to the point.
However-if the above was written like the customer service people sound and act at Freeservers it would read like this (read very fast):
Hello whoever the hell youare.Yoursitehas been kind of upfor216 weeks. We hope you’re able to get on line today. Having a great experience is a bit much to hope for BUTKeep checking your Main Menutoseeif yoursiteis working at all Check out wesuck.com for a great dealany time you need more power or features. You like curry?
I’m beyond pissed. I’ve been paying for this site for 216 WEEKS that’s over four damn years. In all that time I have had HUNDREDS of problems with these people but THIS IS THE LAST STRAW!!!
Before I continue please note that I have nothing but respect for INDIA. I keep the Kama Sutra written on my fore arm and have added some chapters over the years. Who could have an issue with the people who made sex an art or like I call it in my house the Hell no I’m not done yet, book.
Indian women are some of the most beautiful women in the UNIVERSE. As Master Of The Universe I would know that. So yes I’m a fan of India.
But they give HORRIBLE phone.
This may not be politically correct but I can’t understand a freakin word they say over the phone. When you call Freeservers you are connected to an India service center. They are NOT tech support, they won’t let you speak to tech support, they are there to relay the message. Here’s the message-my site was down for more than a damn week and these people took their sweet time fixing the problem. I had meetings all week in which I had to hand my card to someone and say “ My website is down.’ That was OK the first couple of days but after a while it’s just GHETTO.
So now this is being posted in the afternoon (MAYBE) east coast time and we have missed more than a week of content and more important COMMENTS!!!
The name of this server should be changed to FREESUCK. No-I’ve been paying for 216 weeks so that won’t work. How about PAYSUCK? No not quite there, it needs something.
SUCKSERVERS.
Bingo.
I’m serving a public notice (to go with the blistering email and hard copy letter I sent) to SUCKSERVERS that as soon as I can make the move I’m gone. I’ve been turning down posting ads until after Comic Con and my big MDW party and BOY am I glad I did. Could you imagine people paying for ads when the site is down for over a week?
That’s BEYOND GHETTO. I know GHETTO-that shit is WAY beyond Ghetto. Shit, Ghetto would be a step up.
To all the loyal great wonderful souls that have been patience I extend to you my deepest and more sincere apology for the unprofessional way this site has been from time to time. Every SINGLE issue has been a SUCKSERVERS issue but their name is not on the site, mine is, and like the Pimp says to his Ho’s “The bitch better have my money.” That’s ‘The Buck stops here’ in Pimp talk.
I am sorry. I love this site and all the people (yes even YOU Better Dead than Red) who make up our community. We are a small yet growing original piece of the net and I want to do the best job I can for all of you.
Damn that’s gay.
That cool, I like Gay people…unless they work in India for SUCKSERVERS. Then again I would not know if they were Gay or Straight, I would not be able to understand them.
Hey, I wonder how the phone sex industry is in India? They must have a phone sex industry they invented the freakin Kama Sutra and a zillion American companies outsource to India so it stands to reason…
India Rep: Thankyoufor calling Hustler hotline.
Horny American: Hello??
India Rep: YESHELLO!Thankyoufor calling Hustler hotline.
Horny American: Hello? Is this Hustler Hotline?
India Rep: YES!Hustler hotline.
Horny American: Hello??
India Rep: THIS IS Hustler hotline. Credit cardnumberplease.
Horny American: What?
India Rep: Credit cardnumberplease.
Horny American: What?
India Rep: Credit card numberplease.
Horny American: Credit card What?
India Rep: CREDIT CARD NUMBER!
Horny American: OH! Could you get someone that speaks English?
India Rep: Iamspeakingenglish!
Horny American: What?
India Rep: I AM SPEAKING ENGLISH!
Horny American: Ok. My card number is Amex 4444-7777-9999-0000
India Rep: ThankyoumynameisCindy.
Horny American: What?
India Rep: MynameisCindy.
Horny American: Whatever-when can I speak to a girl?
India Rep: Iamagirl!
Horny American: What??
Look like I said, I’m a fan of India and the people I have met from there are cool with me. BUT- let’s be REAL. The reality is it’s HARD to understand an Indian rep on the phone because of their dialect. That’s not racist, that’s not prejudice, that’s not bias that’s the truth. Me racist? Ha! I said HA!!
Considering all the women I have dated outside my race, if you were going to say I’m racist it would be against black people. Shit when I got married my wedding party looked like the United Colors Of Benetton. BTW-if you are new to this forum I’m black…and hella sexy.
Hell, it just may be me. Let’s assume it is just me because I don’t want to deal with silly comments about my obvious issues with India. Forget the fact I said a few times I had no problem with India, there’s bound to be someone who sees this as racist or some such other stupidity. So let’s assume IT’S ME. I, me Michael Davis, MOTU can’t understand these Indian customer service people and I CAN’T STAND IT!!
Wait a sec…now that I think of it my issue is not the Indian Reps it’s the freakin companies that outsource to other countries with little or no regard to HOW their customer service is handled. I’m SURE that there are a LOT of people who have the same complaint I have. I don’t want to spend my time yelling and screaming What??? when I’m trying to resolve a problem with a service I’m paying for!
Truth be told I didn’t do that this week. Tatiana did. She dealt with these people all week and guess what? SUCKSERVERS did not figure out the problem Tatiana did. Tatiana figured it out and STILL these people at SUCKSERVERS took over a week to restore my site. Why did Tatiana handle the problem when I LOVE dealing with these kinds of issues? I love his stuff, last year some asshole at The Westin in San Diego cancelled 30 rooms I had reserved for Comic Con a week before the Con. 30 rooms GONE days before the con! As soon as they were back in the system those rooms disappeared and a Westin manager told me that the rooms were booked wrongly and there was nothing she could (and even worse) would do about it.
Oh really, Bitch who must not be named? With one phone call to corporate I had 30 rooms BACK at the Westin and then told them to kiss my ass because I also got 30 rooms at a competing hotel because…wait for it…that’s HOW I ROLL.
So Tatiana handled the service call for two reasons, the first reason is all I know to say to SUCKSERVERS is, “FIX MY SHIT!” That would have gotten me nowhere especially with MY Indian issue. The second reason Tatiana handled the problem is she wanted to keep me out of jail, boy was I mad!
How mad?
FUCK Slumdog Millionaires and their dancing finale, that movie was as overrated as Sarah Palin.
That mad….You betcha!
Well it looks like the site is up but we WILL be moving to another server just as soon as someone tells me how to save my emails (not you Reg. YOU stay away from that button! Sorry folks, inside joke.)
I’ll say it ONE LAST TIME I think India is a fine country but I’m a little worried that they have the bomb…
In the White House the Red Phone rings.
Ring. Ring.
Hello, this is the President Of The United States.
LASTCHANCEGiveusRichardGereor we will launch our missiles!!!
WHAT??
Martha Thomases
March 6, 2009 - 3:58 pm
Good to see you back, sweetie. I thought the problem was the incredibly controversial column I sent, now scheduled to run tomorrow.
SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE rocked. I assume the aforementioned SuckServers couldn’t afford suck expensive talent.
M.O.T.U
March 6, 2009 - 4:16 pm
My dear Ms. Martha there are no ‘incredibly controversial columns’ on MDW just thought provoking insight into the world that we never made.
There are however idiots who think because you have a point of view that differs from what they think therein lies the reason to call something ‘controversial.’
You could write an article that talks about man and gorilla love and you would have a home here. The Gorilla has to be of age mind you…and a member of the GOP.
M.O.T.U
March 6, 2009 - 4:23 pm
Slumdog was NO Watchmen-then again Watchmen was a bit- you know I’m not sure what Watchmen was. I’m not even sure I liked it. I am sure that EVERY single comic book MOFO on the planet BETTER see that film.
Love it or hate it it’s an important movie for our industry and if it fails then we are back to Bang! POW! -You know Hollywood…
Martha Thomases
March 6, 2009 - 5:01 pm
My feelings about WATÇHMEN are mixed. It looks great, some of the performances are knock-outs. But, if you’re going to change the ending (I don’t think this will be a spoiler, but just in case ….)
Why not change it to something that makes sense?
M.O.T.U
March 6, 2009 - 5:20 pm
DON”T get me started.
Arthur Tebbel
March 6, 2009 - 5:57 pm
Really? Have to see it? I sort of pledged on this very site not to.
Couldn’t I just send Warner Bros. 12 bucks and a defaced dvd of Batman & Robin?
Alan Coil
March 6, 2009 - 6:18 pm
Arthur, send me 12 bucks. I’ll see it for you.
M.O.T.U
March 6, 2009 - 6:32 pm
Arthur,
I say you have to see it because it’s SO ambitious and such a ‘grown up’ Superhero film that I feel if it fails we are doomed to years of corny safe shit that I’m sick o death of.
I enjoyed Iron Man, I thought the last ‘Hulk’ and Spider-Man sucked. The last Bat-man was great but none of these films go where The Watchmen went with regard to the Superhero.
I’m not sure if I liked the film or not but its WELL worth supporting because of what may come after if it succeeds.
M.O.T.U
March 6, 2009 - 6:33 pm
HEY-what about MY RANT????
McCarthy
March 6, 2009 - 7:15 pm
Think of it as a page from the .com-a Sutra. They figured out a new way to fuck you.
Oh, and as a horny American, just out of curiosity . . . what were you going to do in those thirty hotel rooms? You’re on some Dr. Manhattan type shit, aren’t you?
Vinnie Bartilucci
March 6, 2009 - 7:33 pm
Dear friend, if you’re going to mock Indian call centers, go all in or go home.
Step one – no t’s, p’s or any other hard consonants. Like this:
“Thangyou for galling microzoft my name is Bob, how gan I helb you?”
Segond, um, second off, you have to address the way they repeat back everything you say. This is to give you the impression they have heard your complaint; the first step to helping you. But they have not – they have received the syllables you spoke, and are well enough trained (like a salty old sailor’s parrot) to be able to pan those syllables back, and type them into their terminal.
“Yes, my Website is broken.”
“Alright, zo you are delling me that your website is brogen?”
If you said to them, “My mambo is dogfacing in the banana patch”, they would ask you to repeat it, then when you did, they would indeed say “Alright, zo you are delling me that your mambo is dogfazing in de banana batch, I gan help you with dat”
They will then ask you a few Basic Troubleshooting questions. They will ask you these questions if your problem is a disk error, a networking issue, or if your television has fallen off the wall and landed on your foot.
“Alright, led me asg you some gwezions. Is your gompuder durned on?”
“*sigh* yes.”
“Was dat a yes?”
“YES”
“Thangyou for delling me dad your gompuder is durned on. Gan you gonnegt do de Inderned?”
In point of fact, their goal is that if they waste enough time on the phone with you, you’ll keep jiggering (with a “j”, Michael, put that face away) with your machine and you’ll fix it yourself.
Have you put together a spreadsheet listing all your lost business over the last week yet? Exactly HOW many meetings did you have to go to and tell them your website is down? What’s their online guarantee?
Can you tell I’ve been through things similar this before?
Hell, I had to go to three different goddamn Wendy’s on the way home because they couldn’t get my order right. When a customer says “Onions and ketchup only”, how the HELL is their answer “With cheese, right?”
Admit it…you missed me.
Mary Dee
March 6, 2009 - 9:58 pm
You know, Michael, earlier today I referred college student who is majoring in art to your site here. I did tell them that I was not sure if the site was up (because of the down time). It’s good you’re up and running.
Regarding getting a referral to the right company to have your website and email working correctly, there is a business person whom I know who knows people. I called his office WHILE I was reading your article but IT’S FRIDAY NIGHT NOW! One of his family members has a company that creates websites for companies like Pepsi! Yes, the soft drink! This computer company is on top of it. I will get their contact information and give it to you.
Keep doing well!
ed zarger
March 6, 2009 - 11:22 pm
I figured you had the website down because I was working so many hours last week that I couldn’t get time to visit.
At least I didn’t get behind at your site last week.
Maybe all those comments to your column last week burned out the Internet.
On the communication aspect, I recall a senior level Math course from my college days. (We didn’t have to learn as much back in those days, since the wheel hadn’t been invented that long before.) The instructor (professor?) would be speaking mostly equations to us, and we had to struggle to understand what he said. “h squared” somehow became “etch scared”.
Luke Kruse
March 6, 2009 - 11:42 pm
Dear Michael Davis,
Today I had a conversation with a woman named Mary. We spoke about education as I plan to go back to school and gain a teaching credential. It wasn’t my original life plan however my father worries about my life as an animator and wants me to have job security, and he is willing to pay for it all.
Anyway Mary referred me to you for advice on how I should plan this out. She told me that you have the ability to be strait-forward and blunt, and I greatly appreciate and need that kind of advice.
Looks like she was right that you web site was up and going. Hope to hear from you soon.
pennie
March 7, 2009 - 5:17 am
MOTU–you rock–and roll!
I missed you and your site–and I don’t miss much…}’;>)
Jeremiah Avery
March 7, 2009 - 1:30 pm
I wouldn’t say it was a rant, Mr. Davis, but rather passionately pointing out a serious problem. Back in college some friends of mine and I read an article (I still see it circulating now and then) about how less Americans are going to college for engineering, Computer Science and other technical disciplines. The writer couldn’t figure out why that was and tried to hint that it was perhaps our educational system is degrading.
I may not be a journalist but it was obvious to most techies as to why the decline exists. Why should someone go to college for 4 or 5 years to get a degree to discover that their job no longer exists here, but was sent overseas to someone who makes a fifth of what you would have made?
Though I was in college around when the Dot.com bust happened, so I was going down with the ship, as it were. I still remember graduation day when a friend went “about 2,000 people here and about a 0.2% job-placement rate”.
A couple friends of mine got jobs working tech support at Lehman Bros. You can see how that turned out.
Mike Gold
March 7, 2009 - 1:52 pm
Well, my review of Watchmen will be part of this Monday’s THE POINT podcast. Actually, it’s more of a review of the Watchmen reviews, sort of a “who watches the Watchmen watchers.” Thank you, MOTU, for providing me the opportunity to plug it.
I had a long conversation with Terry Gilliam the day after Warners killed his version of Watchmen. I think you’re tight with (or at least met on several occasions) Sam (Batman The Movie) Hamm, who did one of the screenplays for Watchmen. And even if you haven’t had any discussion with people who tried to tackle this one in the past, it’s DAMN obvious: transferring Watchmen to the screen is one bitch of a job. I think these folks did a very, very good job, and they managed to keep it 40 minutes shorter than War And Peace.
Martha, I think FOR THE MOVIE the ending they did was fine. It worked. The book ending might have undermined credibility.
Plus it was a pistol to see so much of Dave Gibbons’ work right up there on the screen. I agree with Ebert: I want to see it again, this time on Imax.
By the way, the great nation of India produces some of the finest looking women I’ve ever seen. Thinking of them makes these telephone service calls go far, far better. Even when the person on the other end of the line sounds like a guy.
Martha Thomases
March 7, 2009 - 4:19 pm
@Mike: I thought the ending was trying to wrap up everything too neat and tidy. Like in Tim Burton’s first BATMAN movie, where the Joker had to be the one behind the Waynes’ murders, it was just too much of a coincidence.
YMMV, of course.
Mike Gold
March 7, 2009 - 4:44 pm
@Martha: “I thought the ending was trying to wrap up everything too neat and tidy.” Yeah, movies are like that. But I don’t think the squids would have gone over. But, of course, there will be the director’s cut DVD — which will be longer than War And Peace — so we’ll see how the plays there. And then there’ll be the seven-disc alternate endings box set with a rubber inflatable squid and Tom Servo SAP… In the world of DVDs, we don’t really need sequels — we need extra footage.
Martha Thomases
March 7, 2009 - 5:30 pm
@Mike: I don’t require squids (there’s a sentence I never thought it would be necessary to write). I just require an ending that doesn’t untie in my brain within 5 minutes of leaving the movie theater.
Most likely, this is not a conversation to be had online, but over drinks. Otherwise,, we’ll spoil it for those who haven’t seen it yet.
Alan Coil
March 7, 2009 - 9:15 pm
I recently had to cancel my internet provider. Unfortunately, I had a similar experience. The first guy I spoke to was too hard to understand, so I had to hang up and try a second time. I am usually very good at “getting” accents; for instance, I can understand Mark Millar quite well. But not the guy on the phine.
M.O.T.U
March 8, 2009 - 1:04 pm
Luke,
I have no idea why Mary would suggest you contact me on the site instead of giving you an email address-unless she did not want to give my email address out without permission. BUT she could have called and asked permission…oh well.
I will be happy to talk to you-email me at: motu@michaeldavisworld.com and I will give you a contact number so we can speak.
M.O.T.U
March 8, 2009 - 1:08 pm
Mary!
Next time please just call or email me if you want to hook me up with someone. Thanks for looking out for me on the website but I’m covered on that front but thanks just the same.
M.O.T.U
March 8, 2009 - 1:11 pm
McCarthy asked,
…just out of curiosity . . . what were you going to do in those thirty hotel rooms?
Dude, I’m like H&R Block-I got people.
M.O.T.U
March 8, 2009 - 1:15 pm
Thank you very much Pennie!
Better Dead Than Red
March 9, 2009 - 12:55 pm
M.O.T.U. wrote, “I am sorry. I love this site and all the people (yes even YOU Better Dead than Red) who make up our community.”
Aww, you are going to make me blush now aren’t you? Seriously, I truly, deeply, and sincerely appreciate the opportunity you have afforded all of us, who post here. There have been other site(s) that shall remain nameless, within the comic book community, that have shut people like me down, for simply stating a POV or facts that don’t jibe with what their version of “truth” is.
So, M.O.T.U. though you and I disagree on many things, I thank you for allowing me to have a voice, albeit an unpopular one, with many here.
Kudos to you and your staff for taking care of business. Please keep it up.
Reg
March 9, 2009 - 2:19 pm
Oh mOTu, you have NO IDEA the depth of angst, worry, and trembling that I’ve gone thru. I even tinkled a little bit.
And the Richard Gere reference was hilarious. Not to mention all the rest.. and frighteningly accurate.
MOTU
March 10, 2009 - 5:23 pm
Better Dead wrote,
” So, M.O.T.U. though you and I disagree on many things, I thank you for allowing me to have a voice, albeit an unpopular one, with many here.”
The only way to have real any dialog is to hear the other person’s point of view. Your voice is welcome here-those other comic book sites are not MDW and truth be told I can’t (except for comicmix ) tell them apart.
MOTU
March 10, 2009 - 5:35 pm
Reg,
I wonder if you are the only one to get the Richard Gere reference?
That was my favorite line in the piece.
Oh BTW- the Death Ray was never aimed at you…for more than a little bit.
Reg
March 10, 2009 - 7:42 pm
HowCanHeKiss??! HowCanHeKiss??!! TheGigoloMustDIE!!
🙂
MOTU
March 17, 2010 - 6:11 pm
Marissa,
How can I say this…no.
Alan Coil
March 17, 2010 - 8:42 pm
Hey, what’s with all the spam lately?
MOTU
March 17, 2010 - 8:52 pm
Hell if I know. I’ll have it checked out after I get off the phone with Marissa.
UGH-that’s not even funny to me.