You’ll say “Ow!” every time!, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #17

March 31, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 11 Comments

Dear Art and Chris,

Hey, I’m the guy from the ‘Shamwow’ infomercials. “You’ll say Wow everytime,” that’s me. Anyway, recently I picked up a prostitute and she started biting my tongue and I beat her up. Long story short I’m in a bit of trouble with the police. I’m concerned not only for my own image but for maintaining the image of Shamwow as a quality product. What can I do?

Vince “Shamwow” Shlomi

Dear Shamwow guy,

Slow down. This isn’t some fast paced infomercial; we’re concerned with the facts. Fact one: Your tongue was being bitten by a prostitute, which means at some point you thought it was a good idea not only to kiss your prostitute but to make the moment more romantic with a French kiss. Here’s some advice we’re going to throw in at no extra cost, don’t kiss hookers. Actually, we have another piece of advice, DO NOT KISS HOOKERS. Here’s the thing, we were going to get some cheap laughs out of the whole “you don’t know where their mouths have been” thing but everyone in the world is already aware of that, it’s dicks. It’s not like prostitution is a new thing it is the world’s oldest profession. That means you blatantly ignored thousands of years of social convention and decided to put your tongue in her mouth. We’re not germophobes but kissing a hooker has got to be about as toxic as licking the basement floor at the center for disease control.

Fact two: You sir are famous. Fame comes with certain privileges. Chief among those is that you do not have to pay for sex. We understand that you look like a horrid C.H.U.D. monster. We also understand that until you were a moderately successful infomercial spokesman your biggest claim to fame was a frivolous lawsuit against the Farrelly Brothers. We can empathize with the notion that you’ve probably paid for sex in the past. Those days should be behind you. You’re on TV almost as much as Barack Obama and you were staying in a $750/night hotel in Miami. Women will sleep with you because of your fame and your money. That’s why men want to be rich and famous to begin with.

The overlying issue here though is that you do not have an image to be destroyed. We’re not even sure you qualify as a celebrity. We feel like in a simpler media age the “Where’s the beef?” lady could have killed scores of prostitutes without it making the papers. We don’t think anyone who would buy a Shamwow or a SlapChop is going to not buy these products because of you. They are going to buy them because it’s 4 in the morning, they haven’t slept and they look like amazing products because of that. You do not actually sell amazing products.