The Truth About Latinos, by Q. Reyes – Artistic Warfare #30

July 12, 2009 Q. Reyes 2 Comments

I didn’t choose to be Latino or Puerto Rican or half-Dominican or sexy as hell. Those were not my choices! I’m just a prize-package of a man, kicking women off of me and trying to live life. Now, given the choice, would I choose the same? Hell no! I’d be a rich White man – sike!

Latinos are the best people in the world. We’re better than White, Black, Asian and any other group of humans. If you’re in any of those groups above, you probably frowned. I don’t care. The truth is the truth.

Maybe I don’t have scientific proof to corroborate that my theory is right, but I do have religious proof: The Garden of Eden was in Puerto Rico. Plus, when a Latino looks at him or herself in the mirror, he or she sees something so special that it requires the time to stand there and appreciate – like a piece of fine art. Like looking at God himself.

Is God Latino? Obviously! Such magnificent intelligence and beauty of an all-powerful creator can only be encapsulated in the brilliant human receptacle of the Latino specimen.

What is a Latino, though? Hmm. Interesting. Well, we have European blood from the Spaniards, we have indigenous blood from Native Americans and we also have Black blood from the slaves brought to America. So wait, does that mean we are everyone? I guess so. The only blood we don’t have is Asian, which ensures that our superior driving ability is intact.

Moving on, now that I’ve realized that Latinos are not necessarily better as a people, we can move on to looks. We look better than anyone else! There’s no argument there. Come one, we are so hot, and you know it! Latina women are the original brunettes. They’re everyman’s fantasy – and if not a fantasy, most men won’t refuse their charm – if they do, then they are gay men, who themselves rather have a Latino man.

So we agree that our looks are outstanding, but can we finish the job in bed? That’s a stupid question. Have you seen us dance? If so, then you have seen us make love. They don’t call us Latin Lovers for nothing. “Ay, Papi!” has nothing to do with your father. Trust me.

Some of the misconceptions of Latinos include that we are not tolerant of people worse than ourselves. This is not true! We are open to interracial relationships in order to help those less fortunate. Look at Jessica Alba or Charlie Sheen or all those “Latinos Undercover” celebrities that get with other races in order to help them procreate better children.

Another misconception is that Latinos are very fertile. This is untrue! It’s not that Latino men are fertile, it’s just we don’t like to pull out… and Latino women don’t want to go to hell for having an abortion… so what do we get? More beautiful children – at a faster pace than any other race in this country. So when I say “Latino President,” your ass better start learning Spanish, pendejo!

I’m out.