Rock’n’Roll High School, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise

September 12, 2009 Martha Thomases 8 Comments

In the news cycle before the President’s speech to schoolchildren on Wednesday, NBC News showed short clips of parents discussing whether or not they would let their children see the speech.   

(And, by the way, what does it mean that our schoolchildren – or at least those at the Virginia high school – are more polite than our Congress?  Do we need a detention room in the Capitol?) 

One clip, which I saw at least three times (why, yes, I do watch too much television, thanks for asking) showed a mother, with a young child, who said she didn’t want her kid to see the speech because “Obama supports things I don’t believe, like gay marriage and abortion.”  This made me think three things: 

1) Someone at the White House better cancel the dildo demonstration planned for the teaching materials. 
 

2) Do gay people have that many abortions? I’d guess they actually get the fewest. 

3) Could I have skipped school just by insisting something went against my parents’ belief?  Because I could totally fake my mom’s signature on a letter like this one below. 

Dear Principal: 

My daughter, Martha Louise Thomases, must be excused from any classes that violate our core values.  We do not want her exposed to any of the following ideas: 

• Spelling.  English spelling follows very few phonetic rules consistently.  After learning how to spell “tough” and “though,” our child might think very few other rules should be followed consistently. 

• Geography.   If Siam can be Thailand, she might think right can be wrong.  Until countries figure out what their names are and where their boundaries are drawn, we’d prefer that our daughter not study them.  

• History.  We do not endorse the policies of the Filmore administration, nor do we want to have discussions about it with our child.  Please don’t ask; it’s still too painful to talk about. 

• Physical Education.  Learning how to play on a team is very similar to learning how to cooperate.  Learning to cooperate is very similar to learning how to appreciate the skills and talents of others.  Socialism! 

• Reading.  Many novels invite the reader to consider the viewpoints of many different characters.  This leads to empathy.  If our daughter learned empathy, she would never be able to serve on the Supreme Court. 

• Math.  I forbid you to introduce my child to the Islamo-fascist mind-control of Arabic numerals.  If Roman numerals were good enough for the Holy Roman Empire, they’re good enough for us. 

Media Goddess Martha Thomases was not only forced to go to class when she was in school, but she also had to go to chapel five times a week.