I Scare Myself, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise
October 31, 2009 Martha Thomases 14 Comments
Halloween is supposed to be scary. Monsters, vampires, serial killers, zombies – they’re supposed to make us cower in fear, or hide under the blankets.
But let’s get real for a minute. There’s no reason for me to be afraid. I’m a middle-aged Jewish woman, who is kind of on the dumpy side. You never see dumpy, middle-aged Jewish women threatened in scary movies. The closest you get is Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure, and, in that case, she didn’t sink the boat with her fatness. It wasn’t her fault.
Monsters are for wusses. What do real men – and women – find terrifying this year?
10. It’s been 20 years since the first successful use of the Twinkie Defense. Yet despite their potential to incite violent crime, including murder, one can still buy snack cakes over the counter, without a license, or even any identification.
9. South Carolina is part of the United States, and they elect people to Congress to pass laws for the rest of us, when they have people in their state legislatures like this.
8. There are organizations in this country that are proud of their convictions that some seniors deserve to die.
7. Mike Bloomberg (who is only called Mike during the campaign, but reverts to his preferred, more formal Michael the rest of the time) is probably going to be Mayor of New York for another four years.
6. And that, horrifying as it may be, is not even as scary as the possibility that this guy could be governor of a state close enough to be on my television all the time.
5. If you’re a Canadian folk singer, be careful of nature. It’s out to get you.
4. It’s even scarier to be a size queen.
3. The recession is allegedly over, but there still aren’t any jobs. And my COBRA runs out soon.
2. Tonight, there will be people dressed like this guy, a zombie who doesn’t know he’s (professionally) dead yet.
1. I’m going to die fat, and, if there is an afterlife, I’ll probably have to diet there, too.
Media Goddess Martha Thomases is afraid she’s going to eat too many of the Reese’s Cups her husband bought, allegedly for trick’r’treaters.
Alan Coil
October 31, 2009 - 9:05 am
Life is scary.
I’m thinking of going retro — Turn on, Tune out — for a couple weeks.
Mike Gold
October 31, 2009 - 12:29 pm
Define “dumpy.”
Martha Thomases
October 31, 2009 - 1:46 pm
@Mike: My ass is so far down, it looks like up to me.
Frank Miller
October 31, 2009 - 2:07 pm
1a. Somebody was paid to write the last issue of “Firebird.”
Frank Miller
October 31, 2009 - 2:07 pm
Make that “Thunderbirds.” I was so awful I temporarily blocked out the name.
pennie
October 31, 2009 - 2:42 pm
There are people who think we are going to win something by fighting in Afghanistan–scary!
There are people who watch Foxsnooze and trust the information–scary.
There are people who listen to Russhhhh–and believe him. Scary…
And there are some who swear Elvis is alive and Paul is dead. Well, on second thought…
John Tebbel
October 31, 2009 - 3:05 pm
Happy to report the kids downstairs snarfed up most of the Reeses.
Reg
October 31, 2009 - 4:04 pm
Martha, I beg to differ with your first assertion of how Jewish matrons are never in horror flicks?
Zelda Rubinstein, anyone? She scared me almost as much as the poltergeist.
#10. Yeah.. I got nuttin’. Suffice to say, that attorney was worth every penny he received for that piece of …….
#9. Ahem. Let’s just hope that part or member 😛 of the South doesn’t rise again.
#6. “Better get a bucket!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BlK62rjQWLk
#4. But that only applies to the unclipped, my dear! 😀
#3. Thinking good thoughts for you.
#1. But just think…you’ll have 100 male virgins at your beck and call. Wont’ you??
Mike Gold
October 31, 2009 - 5:10 pm
Reg: “Zelda Rubinstein, anyone? She scared me almost as much as the poltergeist.”
Grayson Hall, nee Shirley Grossman. The darling of avant-garde off-Broadway before she (and her husband) got to Dark Shadows. But if you want to get technical over the word “flicks,” well, she played the same role in the first movie version of Dark Shadows, the one that’s actually worth watching. In fact, it’s one of my favorite vampire flicks.
She died 25 years ago, and is therefore somewhat unlikely to have a cameo in the new Johnny Depp version of the property.
Reg
October 31, 2009 - 5:42 pm
Mike: I adored Grayson Hall!! She put the ‘phere’ in the atmosphere of Dark Shadows. Wonderfully unique in visage and voice. Had no idea she was one of the ‘chosen’.
Tis indeed too bad she’s not around for the remake as it would have been perfect to cast her as a crone of warning.
I’ve gotta admit that Depp is perfect casting for Barnabas. I just hope that they give good respect to the property.
Martha Thomases
November 1, 2009 - 7:13 am
@Reg: I didn’t say old Jewish women weren’t scary – ROSEMARY’S BABY! – but rather that they are not attractive victims in scary movies. You never see Bea Arthur in a refrigerator.
Mike Gold
November 1, 2009 - 8:30 am
Reg — That’s what Burton says. I have a hard time believing that; he’s got such a specific vision and very little range. And I wonder if Dark Shadows doesn’t work best out of a sense of “wonderful cheapness.” Small budget + large minds = great fun. Then again, I firmly believed Doctor Who worked the same way, which is why I lost interest after the Jon Pertwee shows. But the new series has proven me totally wrong. Still, I’ll be seeing Depp the week the movie opens.
Martha — These days, the only place you might see Bea Arthur is in a refrigerator.
And some find Sarah Silverman very scary. I find her an oddly effective community organizer.
pennie
November 1, 2009 - 5:53 pm
Martha my dear, if I see Bea Arthur in mu refrigerator I’m taking her back to the supermarket. I forgot to use coupons!
Vinnie Bartilucci
November 2, 2009 - 7:57 am
Seek out a copy of literary Genius Daniel Manus Pinkwater’s sole (Fish Whistle notwithstanding) adult novel, The Afterlife Diet. It features a psychistrist who holds his sessions in a delicatessen, and a delightful scene in heaven where chronic dieters and excercize nuts are driven from Heaven, because God is fat.
Jewish women in horror – Renée Taylor was in an episode of Tales from the Darkside where she played (shock of shocks) a yenta who gets a magic charm that makes all of her motherly threats come true. So she tells her daughter’s boyfriend “If you don’t stop eating that pound cake you’re going to turn into a pound cake” and he does. Unlike most episodes of the series, it actually had a good ending, as opposed to most that just stop. She tries to convice her family that she’s sorry for making all these happen, saying “If I’m not sorry, I should turn into a pillar of salt!”