Why Iran Doesn’t Bother Me, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #138
October 5, 2009 Mike Gold 1 Comment
So Iran’s at the bargaining table, practicing diplomacy with the United States and six other nations. The Great American Right is pissed about this, saying Obama should have demanded Iran abandon their nuclear program before agreeing to talks. Of course, had they done so there would be no reason for talks. And, quite frankly, there is nothing in it for Iran to make such a capricious offering. End sanctions? You mean the same sanctions that failed to bring Cuba to its knees for 50 years? Grow up.
Unless you’re a member of the lunatic fringe group that presently controls the Republican party, we should all take a deep breath, a step back, and look at the situation in the clear light of day before we reach for our Prozac. There is no reason why we should be concerned about Iran becoming the possessor of an operative nuclear offense program. It will never happen.
First, let’s look at why Iran would want such a program. They believe they need it because Israel is their enemy (go figure; Iran’s got a bad attitude towards the Zionist State) and Israel has nukes. “Mutual armed destruction” – appropriately acronymed “MAD” – kept Russia and the United States alive for a half-century. Certainly it would work similarly in the Middle East.
Well, maybe not, but I wasn’t all that certain about MAD, either. Dr. Strangelove is one of my favorite movies.
No, we don’t have to worry about Iran becoming a nuclear power for the same exact reason why Iran wants to become a nuclear power: Israel will not allow it. If it’s absolutely clear that Iran is truly close to activating a nuclear first-strike capability, Israel will take it out. Trust me, the United States, Britain, France and many others are more than happy to privately support Israel in this position. Oh, we’ll cluck-cluck a lot, but we’ll be dancing in the streets that our Johnny-on-the-spot client nation has taken care of another problem for us.
Please rest assured that I do not have a horse in this race. I am totally and completely opposed to theocracies, even virtual ones like ours and certainly totalitarian ones like Israel and Iran. I’m hooked on that “freedom of religion” thing, as well as that “freedom from religion” thing that gets me in so much trouble. No, my position is motivated by pure political pragmatism: Iran possessing a nuclear strike capability will not be tolerated by the non-Moslem world and by some, if not most, of the Moslem world. If diplomacy fails, Israel will take it out. Pure and simple.
Ironically, I have no doubt that Israel will use nuclear weapons to do so if it’s necessary for its survival. But, really, the Middle East is so far away.
Oh, happy day!
Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking bizarro music and blather show starts up Sundays at 7:00 PM Eastern on www.getthepointradio.com , replayed the following Thursdays at 10:00 PM Eastern. Likewise, his Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants pop up every on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday exclusively at www.getthepointradio.com . The regular Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants continue every Monday and Friday on The Point podcasts, available right here at www.michaeldavisworld.com , as well as at www.comicmix.com, www.getthepointradio.com, www.zzcomics.com, and www.ravenwolfstudios.com. You can subscribe to The Point podcasts at iTunes by searching under “The Point Radio.”
Gold is also a regular contributor to www comicmix.com, and edits their online comic book content. Check out the all-new GrimJack: The Manx Cat #5 and Jon Sable Freelance: Ashes of Eden #3, along with the first volume of Trevor Von Eeden’s astonishing bio-comic, The Original Johnson, now being solicited in the IDW Publishing section of this month’s Diamond catalog.
Martha Thomases
October 5, 2009 - 5:36 am
Oy
Vinnie Bartilucci
October 5, 2009 - 9:05 am
Iran is desperately trying to take the position that Iraq had just a few years ago – squeaky wheel of the Middle East. For almost 20 years, Iraq did not have to actually DO anything to be taken seriously. Sadaam Hussein would show up on television occasionally and everyne would pay attention to him. Similar to the place Cuba had in the 60s and early 70s, they were a country it was safe to be afraid of and say things against, because it would never strike back.
Iraq was like the one wimpy kid in your class, who might have been just a little retarded, that you knew it was okay to tease. And then one day a kid would actually HIT him and get him crying, and everybody would look at the guy and just KNOW he crossed the line, and ruined it for everybody. Bush hit the retarded kid, and now we’re…well, we’re where we are.
Iran is trying to take that position of Respect Without Action now. There’s a couple of major differences tho. First off, Iran has not actually done anything to anyone but its own people, and that doesn’t count. Save for the hostage crisis (which we “won” by getting them back so it’s forgotten) Iran has just…been there. Sadaam at least invaded Kuwait. Ask the average person exactly why we hate Iran, and if they can think of anything, it’ll be the Hostages. Like Fonzie said, you have to have a reputation-at least once you have to have hit somebody.
Second off, as opposed to people like Khadafi and Sadaam, the president of Iran is generally considered to be a clown by the world. Publically claiming to be a Holocaust denier is bad enough – his career should have been OVER the day he was almost laughed off the stage (by a largely friendly audience, mind you) at Columbia by declaring there were no gays in Iran. People would look at Khadafi and Sadaam and the comments would be along the lines of “Yeah, he’s crazy, but is he crazy like a fox?” This guys just crazy with no foxness, or any “but” following.
Iran is safe enough to rail against for now, but it won’t last. This guy’s going to do something paralyzingly stupid or dangerous (likely both) soon, and he’s gonna be removed from the board. Plus, there’s a rising discontent in Iran, as we’ve heard about from the assorted news reports since the election. So they’re not a country we can hate whole-hog, like we could classic enemies like Nazi Germany. They’re one of those “the people don’t agree with what the people in power are doing” scenarios, and they’re just not fun enough to despise. We didn’t know enough about the people of Iraq, so it was easy to just assume they all hated us. It’s far easier to hate a whole group than have to remember that some hate us and some don’t. It’s part of the reason the whole War On Terror is going so confusingly – we can’t put a face to our fear without being called racist.
So we’re in a weird holding pattern, waiting for them either to do the aforementioned Something Stupid so we can step in to stop it, or for the people to rise up enough that we can step in to help them. And the “We” is likely going to have to be a far more multi-national force than we had for Iraq.
Marc Alan Fishman
October 5, 2009 - 9:13 am
“I say we let it always be an eye for and eye! A tooth for a tooth” … Great… then the world will be blind a toothless. Frankly, I wish every nation would disarm and give up murdering each other. Murder doesn’t solve problems. It created them. But too many people are too afraid of dealing with problems like adults… and would prefer we just shoot first and don’t ask questions… ever. I swear some days it would just be easier if we cut up israel… nabbed the portion of it we like, and air lift it and dump it near new york.
Mike Gold
October 5, 2009 - 9:20 am
Hey, Marc. I live near New York! Besides, Israelis would be happier if dumped near Cleveland. And before Martha takes objection, check out the Jewish population out there. And with Israel’s track record of developing desert wasteland, we could all plant a few trees in Cleveland.
Of course, there’s that whole “bible sez this is our land” thing. I don’t think Cleveland qualifies. Or New York. Or Philadelphia. Or Boca Raton.
Marc Alan Fishman
October 5, 2009 - 10:13 am
Hey Mike… maybe I’m just trying to push you back to Chicago. 🙂 I’d be fine moving it anywhere… where it’s not surrounded by countries who hate and fear it. And you know… the bible doesn’t get everything right. Wouldn’t God be happier with people ALIVE if all it took was a little geographic shift? Just sayin….
Vinnie Bartilucci
October 5, 2009 - 11:05 am
I was always fascinated that Israel happens to be located on the one spot of the Middle East with no oil at all. Couldn’t have aimed any worse if He tried.
Mike Gold
October 5, 2009 - 1:20 pm
Vinnie, Israel’s located in the perfect spot for others to GET the oil.
Marc, history teaches us that the gods’ followers are rarely, if ever, genuinely concerned with what would make the gods happy.
The bible doesn’t get everything right? You mean, the world isn’t flat? The sun doesn’t revolve around the Earth? Ming is not merciless?
Alan Coil
October 5, 2009 - 4:24 pm
Let’s give the Israelis a new land. Utah.
Mike Gold
October 5, 2009 - 4:28 pm
Alan, evidently you’ve got something against the underwear industry.
John Tebbel
October 5, 2009 - 6:51 pm
I hear Fidel wants to retire in Boca.
Mike Gold
October 6, 2009 - 7:37 am
Fidel’s Jewish? I’d dig him with payot and tefillim. And I’d have to reevaluate everything I’ve ever known about Meyer Lansky.
Alan Coil
October 6, 2009 - 9:45 am
Utah is a perfect place for the Israeli relocation. It has desert, it has mountain, it has a place called Zion, it has salt water, and it is a known location of religious homogenization. It’s perfect.
R. Maheras
October 6, 2009 - 2:19 pm
I sorta promised one of my Lotta Gall fans that in my next strip, I’d have Lotta, the maniacal editorial (stick-figure) cartoonist extraordinaire, take out the Iranian nuclear facility.
Planes? She don’t need no steenkin’ planes!