Glitter and Be Gay, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise

November 7, 2009 Martha Thomases 9 Comments

This week’s most disturbing election news is not that I’m going to have to listen to this guy on my local news channels for the next term of office.  That’s bad, believe me.    

Unfortunately, even that is not as bad as the fact that voters in Maine overturned their legislature’s ruling on gay marriage.  

It seems to me that our Constitution guarantees equal protection under the law to all citizens.  This equal protection not only grants us certain privileges, but also requires us to exercise certain responsibilities.  We can vote and use government services, including police and fire departments, and be defended by armed forces, but we must also pay taxes, serve on juries, and clean up after our dogs (among other things).  

In fact, being a citizen is a lot like being married.   There are privileges (sex with the person you love on a regular and convenient basis, someone to share child-raising, meal preparation, cleaning, etc.) and responsibilities (the previously mentioned child-raising, meal preparation, cleaning, along with mutual health-care decisions, debts, and getting along with the in-laws).    

The easiest solution to the gay-marriage issue would be to separate Church and State.  Religious marriage would be subject to the rules of each couple’s faith, and legal marriage would be subject to the rule of law.  However, this is not a solution that the people in Maine, among others, appear to desire.  They want to vote on which legal adults can be married.  As long as they’ve opened the conversation, here are some other types of people whose marriages I’d like to nullify:  

• Anyone who sells the photo rights to their ceremony to the press.  It’s bad enough they will get more – and better –

wedding presents than I did.  but they don’t have to rub my nose in it. 

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People whose religious preferences require them to dress alike.  I don’t care if it’s side curls and wigs, or pinafores and funny hats.  When I see that, I wonder how they can tell each other apart.  Disgusting. 

•

Couples who walk around with full backpacks.  They are twice as annoying as single people with backpacks. 

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Couples who dress like twins.  Too much like incest for my taste. 

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Whoever wrote this.  Talk about taking all the fun out of it.  I mean, ick. 

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The obese.  Yes, I know they’re human beings, and they have a right to love others and express their love physically.  However, just thinking about them having sex with each other creeps me out.  What they do in the privacy of their own homes is fine, but it threatens my marriage (and my libido) to allow them to marry. 

Let’s get going, people!  I expect these initiatives to get out the vote in the mid-term elections!  

Martha Thomases, although a Media Goddess, is not able to marry people at this time.  She is taken.