Aid & Comfort, by Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia – Pop Art… and Chris #56

December 29, 2009 Arthur Tebbel & Chris Toia 3 Comments

Dear Art & Chris,

I had a rather disastrous experience this Christmas. My employer assigned me an important job and I fouled it up in about the worst way possible. I am referring, of course, to my attempt to blow up a plane bound for Detroit. Passengers and crew subdued me while I was trying to detonate a device that may have malfunctioned. Is there anything my associates and I could do to ensure our plans go as unhindered in the future?

-Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, Al-Qaeda

Umar,

First of all you need some sort of scientific training. If that device is going to malfunction you need to fix it. A strong university-level background in chemistry, physics, and engineering is crucial. Unfortunately not many schools will string this together as a bomb-making major despite heavy lobbying. The only school that offers it is UC Berkley and you probably don’t have the grades (if you do you should double major in flag burning). Don’t stop with the diploma though you’ll probably need to aggressively pursue internships and perhaps even an entry-level position in a lab.

Second, you were taken down by a handful of passengers and crew. We’ve looked around airplanes before and never thought the flight attendants had a lot of fighting skill. You guys have got to get into training. Sign yourselves up for some training at a Crunch gym. Lift some weights, do some good cardio, take some kickboxing classes. Do some spin as well, it’s not essential but it’s a great way to work up a good sweat. Maybe some basic self-defense. We suspect you guys probably aren’t too down with Krav Maga but there are a bunch of other options out there. Be advised gyms are a place that a lot of people use to flirt. Don’t do that though, you’ll make the 72 virgins jealous.

Not to toot our own horns too much but improv classes have really helped us and we think they could do well for you too. You need to have a way to justify and deflect when someone calls you out for lighting an incendiary device near your penis on fire. In less than five minutes we were able to come up with the following totally plausible reasons to be trying to light your dick on fire. “This is the only way I can get off anymore I masturbate with too hard a grip.” “My leg was asleep and this is how I remedy that.” “My mom was a phoenix and my dick only rises from the ashes.” If you had had any of these in your pocket you would have had that extra second while everyone was laughing to ignite your pants. Also improv is a good way to meet people you can get drunk with.

Now that you’re college-educated, employed, physically fit, and have a rich social life full of funny people you’re probably confronted with a dilemma, namely that you no longer want to blow yourself up. You’ve probably taken a philosophy class that has made you suspicious of all religion but particularly that which demands you commit suicide. You’ve probably met a bunch of nice girls (boys?) who are impressed by your newfound physique and you’d probably miss them if pieces of you were being fished out of the Great Lakes. Perhaps that’s why most of the suicide bombers are malnourished and stupid. Perhaps it’s also why we would be better served if we dropped some knowledge on these countries instead of dropping bombs.