Had Ourselves A Bloody Little Christmas, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #150

December 28, 2009 Mike Gold 5 Comments

On Christmas day, the first thing we heard after seeing Sherlock Holmes was that some idiot set off a bunch of firecrackers while his plane was landing in Detroit. My immediate thought: I had never, ever been that enthusiastic to be in Detroit.

My second reaction was “Where did this idiot think he was going to go? He’s on a plane.” My wife, the saner of the us, said “how did he get firecrackers on board the plane in the first place?” I mumbled something about hiring dopers to do security in Amsterdam – I guess I’m prone to jealousy – and then resumed my fight with the drunken lunatics that often surround me on I-95.

This followed the story earlier Christmas day about how a lady attacked Pope Benedict during Christmas Eve mass. Well, timing is everything, I thought. I’m having a hard time tracking it down, but it appears she rather liked the guy. Amusingly, the same thing happened last year. Both incidents were caused by women who wore the same clothing, so it’s possible the same person might have been repeating her endeavor. Either way, beware women wearing red hoodies.

After we got home we heard that those firecrackers in Detroit were actually incendiary powder bombs strapped to the guy’s inside thigh and he was attempting to either blow up or set fire to the plane. It was an experiment, a test drive for a new detection-less way to blow up a plane. Maybe the friendly folks in Amsterdam weren’t so lax at the security station, although the guy’s name was on the suspect list. Great. We bust six-month-old babies for having a name on the No-Fly, but when we get us a genuine crotch-igniting bomber, we blow it.

Being who I am, I couldn’t help but think that setting fire to your crotch is not the best way to impress 72 virgins – but, hey, you know how guys are.

That day we had more clashes in Israel and Iran, and three locals were killed in a bomb explosion in Iraq. In Little Rock, a Salvation Army major got gunned down in front of three children.

It was a weird news day; extremely weird for Christmas. Usually, things calm down a bit – not out of respect, I suspect, but out of a diminished presence of news cameras. Note to publicity seekers: if you want press, don’t stage your event on the first day of a three-day weekend unless you’re planning on jumping the Pope or setting fire to your Uncle Willie.

Anybody remember the Simon and Garfunkel song “7 O’clock News / Silent Night”? Things have gotten a lot more weird in the ensuing 43 years. A couple weeks ago I prattled about things going to hell in a hand basket. Today it seems more like “you can run, but you can’t hide.”

Oh. Linda, Adriane and I enjoyed Sherlock Holmes. It was great fun.

Turns out we needed it.

Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking bizarro music and blather show starts up Sundays at 7:00 PM Eastern on www.getthepointradio.com, replayed the following Thursdays at 10:00 PM Eastern. Likewise, his Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants pop up every on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday exclusively at www.getthepointradio.com. The regular Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants continue every Monday and Friday on The Point podcasts, available right here at www.michaeldavisworld.com, as well as at www.comicmix.com, www.getthepointradio.com, www.zzcomics.com, and www.ravenwolfstudios.com. You can subscribe to The Point podcasts at iTunes by searching under “The Point Radio.”

Gold is also a regular contributor to www comicmix.com, and edits their online comic book content. Please go out and buy a copy of Trevor Von Eeden’s The Original Johnson. It’s a great book, we’ve all worked hard on it, Trevor’s spent 15 years of his life on it, it’s his best stuff, and it’s got a lot of good, clean, non-gratuitous sex and nudity. From IDW/ComicMix.