Unexpected Rock – N – Roll Essentials, By Whitney Farmer – Un Pop Culture

December 2, 2009 Whitney Farmer 7 Comments

When I was a wee lass, I remember reading about green M&Ms and white roses in the green rooms of performers.  I was puzzled why lawyers had to negotiate terms like these that didn’t seem to matter but were deal breakers for rock stars.  I came from close enough to Seattle to drop its name and hope for grunge cred (like “I’m with the band…”), and I figured that anything less dramatic than thresher sharks, groupies, and Led Zeppelin off-leash wasn’t worth much press.

I have new sympathy for how tough rockstars have it.  The road is tough. The green room requests might at first seem extravagant.  But if you walk a mile in their black Converse high-tops, things make sense.  For example, why clean black socks, a frequent request?  Anyone who works in disaster relief or with the homeless – or in rock-n-roll – can tell you:  Not enough time in one place or access to water leads to smelly socks.  Answer: Put on clean ones and throw the others away. Same challenges with bottled water. Did you know that the only public drinking fountain left in downtown L.A. is at the Union Rescue Mission?  All the others were taken out because addicts used them for their works.  Now, everyone has to plan on their next drink of water. More often than not, we are asked to load in a flat of water into tour buses – not liquor.

Here is the beginnings of a list of what rockstars need and why, in case you want your tract house in the ‘burbs to become an informal rest stop for musicians on the road:

Jack in the Box tacos: No one cares if they might be soylent green – no one ever says no.  Even snarky rock intelligentsia will talk with nostalgia about Their First Time at Jack’s drive-thru. Sometime around Christmas, Lee Oskar jammed here with some of his friends (note: legends).  Astonishingly, Lee still has the humility to get too nervous to eat before he goes on stage.  That night, we were having our famous Club Christmas Taco Extravaganza which starts with sending Victor from the box office to Jack in the Box drive-thru with $40 bucks.  That’s the cash equivalent of 80 tacos, enough for all our people who were working non-stop through the holidays.  After last call – and after all of the restaurants nearby were closed – I came back into the break area and saw Lee. On a whim, I offered him all-access to our employee taco stash.  He ate four.  I felt kind of maternal.

Sharpie markers:  This might be the only place where getting marked up increases value… We had a chick steal our tour bus parking sign off the loading area to have Leon Russell sign it. The most prized possession of Chris our production manager has his name misspelled, even more priceless because it proves that it was signed by a guy who’s famous for his brain burning addiction as much as his music.

black hand towels:  Visible lint on-stage is forbidden, especially important when everyone wears black.  Note:  These are the most frequently coveted and jacked item in venues, more than guitar picks.

fresh ginger: Maria Callas blew out her voice something like ten years into her career. Bono doesn’t include some of U2’s best songs in their set lists on tour because it requires him to use his falsetto in an operatic range.  Fresh ginger, chewed or steeped, pampers the hardworking vocal cords.  It also helps calm nausea from winding roads on a tour bus, a hangover…or too many tacos.

toys (squirt guns, blow bubbles with wands, etc): Remember how you would fight with your sister in the car on long trips because you had nothing better to do?  Touring can be like that, and the key is putting something in the green room that will help our artists relax, even laugh, without hurting them. Heroin: no. Light sabers: yes.

salads:  You would be amazed at how responsible and healthy rockstars are. Sorry…

wireless internet access:  Most musicians are also closet tech geeks.

shower shoes: A lot of bands like to take showers after they perform and before they hit the road again. And no one wants to share Axl’s toe jam…

absinthe: It has the distinction of being the most frequently smuggled item out of Spain in guitars.

lanyards: These plastic necklaces truly separate being “with the band” and really being with the band.  If our security is looking for lanyards, the only other excuse that is left for being in an unauthorized area is, “I thought this was the way to the restroom…”

Quote of the Blog:
…overheard from Ed, our Dude of Light and Fog and Resident Sage: “Why do beautiful and smart women end up with guys who are no good for them? Maybe they want to fix ‘em or rescue ‘em…Come to think about it, that’s probably how I got a few of my girlfriends…”

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Whitney runs a rock music venue located in L.A.  She has an M.B.A. and no one cares.