Vote Theapian, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #148

December 14, 2009 Mike Gold 14 Comments

Back in 1950, Florida Congressman Claude Pepper challenged George Smathers in the Florida Democratic Primary for the Senate. It became famous because, according to Pepper and to, you know, history (widely reported at the time and covered by Chris Matthews in his book Hardball) Smathers and his people used phrases on the stump such as “Pepper is known all over Washington as a shameless extrovert!” “Pepper has a sister who was once a thespian!” “Pepper practiced celibacy before his marriage!”

Smathers denied the story, but Pepper believed it and a lot of reporters confirmed it. In his research, Matthews said “One night in Leesburg, after the Senator had completed a speech and was stepping down from an outdoor platform… he was approached by a man who reached out to clasp his hand. The picture filled a half page in the next day’s Orlando Sentinel, for the man was black. In segregationist Florida, the picture of a major white politician glad-handing for black support was a political death warrant. “That hurt,” Pepper recalls. Only later would affidavits confirm that the man, a janitor at a local theater, had been paid to stand there, grab the Senator’s hand when he came down, and “hold it until the light flashes.” Either way, the line about his thespian sister stuck.

Smathers beat Pepper, although 12 years later Pepper ran for the House and won reelection every term for the next 26 years. In fact, he died in office.

Last Saturday, the good folks in Houston had the chance to vote for mayor in an election between City Controller Annise Parker and former city attorney Gene Locke. Parker is a lesbian who has never made a secret nor an issue of her sexual orientation.

Locke and his cabal have jumped all over this. He put together a coalition of conservatives, religious fanatics, black ministers, and bigots to condemn Parker’s homosexual behavior and its potential impact upon the city should she become its leader. One well-distributed leaflet said “Just Because You’re a Lesbian Doesn’t Mean You’re Qualified To Be Mayor.” Interesting turn of the phrase; it begs the question “Just because you’re a bigot, are you qualified to be mayor?”

Her detractors point out that the city of Houston is broke – just like every other major American city in this, the second year of the Bush/Cheney depression. But according to these slimy toads, it’s all her fault. Not the fault of the economy that has brought most Americans to their knees, and certainly not the fault of the Republican administration that put us into a mindless war and deregulated the economy. Nope; according to Gene Locke, it was all that lesbian’s fault.

Parker went into the weekend with a four-point lead on her opponent – the far end of the margin. So it was a great time for the bigots to throw their Hail Mary. Tits to the wind, they mailed out their anti-lesbian hysteria to the electorate.

It probably came as a surprise to the mighty coalition of hate, but it’s the 21^st Century in Houston. Annise Parker won the race by a 5.6% margin – well ahead of the pre-dyke-bating numbers. If the Hail Mary pass did anything, it was to Ms. Parker’s advantage.

See? A happy holiday ending! I’ll bet you same-sex marriage becomes legal in Texas before it does in many of the more liberal northern states.

Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking bizarro music and blather show starts up Sundays at 7:00 PM Eastern on www.getthepointradio.com, replayed the following Thursdays at 10:00 PM Eastern. Likewise, his Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants pop up every on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday exclusively at www.getthepointradio.com. The regular Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants continue every Monday and Friday on The Point podcasts, available right here at www.michaeldavisworld.com, as well as at www.comicmix.com, www.getthepointradio.com,www.zzcomics.com, and www.ravenwolfstudios.com. You can subscribe to The Point podcasts at iTunes by searching under “The Point Radio.”

Gold is also a regular contributor to www comicmix.com, and edits their online comic book content. Check out the all-new GrimJack: The Manx Cat #6 and Jon Sable Freelance: Ashes of Eden #4, and Andrew Pepoy’sThe Adventures of Simon and Ajax, now being solicited in the IDW Publishing section of this month’s Diamond catalog.