You Say You Want A Resolution, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #151
January 4, 2010 Mike Gold 0 Comments
I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. First of all, I’m not that resolute. Second, I have a short attention span. But I do have some hopes and wishes for this new year.
I wish people wouldn’t think it’s cool to spend 300 million dollars to make a cool looking movie. I wish people would realize that golf is only slightly less boring than watching paint dry, and people those who are good at the game are no more pious than the rest of us.
I wish we get meaningful health care that will cover everybody from womb to grave. I wish President Obama actually grows a pair – I’m about three months away from wondering what his real agenda is. Not only can’t you be nice to everybody in politics, there’s no reason to. If you’re going to toss away your second administration, do it for something that will actually help us all.
I wish people would mind their own business – particularly those busybodies who legislate in the name of their religion. I wish the pro-abortion movement finally realizes that “rights” that can be granted can be taken away with equal ease. I wish we’d stop throwing people in jail for using substances that some idiot didn’t like back in 1937. I wish people would stop abusing all drugs: alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, acetylsalicylic acid, sugar, and the less dangerous stuff that is also illegal.
I wish Disney didn’t buy Marvel Comics. I wish Warner Bros. didn’t realize they owned DC Comics. I wish comic book publishers would stop thinking in terms of endless overlapping mega-events and go back to simply producing good stories.
I wish somebody would finally release Frank’s Place on DVD. Also T.H.E. Cat. I wish ABC-Disney would pick up The Uncensored Mojo Nixon Variety Hour. I wish John McCain would start swiping Henry Rollins instead of mumbling his usual mindless, bitchy, hypocritical crap.
I wish the Geico lizard would get in a sex scandal with the Progressive Insurance chick. I wish the insurance industry would go to hell. I wish the pharmaceutical industry would stop screwing Americans. I wish the pharmaceutical industry would stop killing Americans. I hope and pray Joe Lieberman will suffer a massive coronary.
And, finally, I wish the Chicago Cubs would win the World Series, although I realize that would send the planet spinning into the sun. I gotta make some sacrifices.
I wish you-all a great 2010. Quite sincerely. You deserve it.
Unless you’re Joe Lieberman.
Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking bizarro music and blather show starts up Sundays at 7:00 PM Eastern on www.getthepointradio.com, replayed the following Thursdays at 10:00 PM Eastern. Likewise, his Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants pop up every on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday exclusively at www.getthepointradio.com. The regular Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind rants continue every Monday and Friday on The Point podcasts, available right here at www.michaeldavisworld.com, as well as at www.comicmix.com, www.getthepointradio.com,www.zzcomics.com, and www.ravenwolfstudios.com. You can subscribe to The Point podcasts at iTunes by searching under “The Point Radio.”
Gold is also a regular contributor to www comicmix.com, and edits their online comic book content. Please go out and buy a copy of Trevor Von Eeden’s The Original Johnson. It’s a great book, we’ve all worked hard on it, Trevor’s spent 15 years of his life on it, it’s his best stuff, and it’s got a lot of good, clean, non-gratuitous sex and nudity. From IDW/ComicMix.
Marc Alan Fishman
January 4, 2010 - 11:29 am
“I wish Disney didn’t buy Marvel Comics. I wish Warner Bros. didn’t realize they owned DC Comics. I wish comic book publishers would stop thinking in terms of endless overlapping mega-events and go back to simply producing good stories.”
So long as Disney and WB allow them to continue to put out their material, I’ll be happy. But like you said… endless overlapping mega-events do take over far too much of an editorial calendar. We’re lucky to enjoy a series for 6 issues before it’s dragged down into the lastest crossover, aren’t we? Well, at least comicmix delivers single concept “good stories”. Unless Grimjack is making an appearance in Simon and Ajax anytime soon.
It seems to me you guys just need to debut some more… fresh and fuzzy faces… something to really turn comic readers on their ears…
Happy New Year Mike. May 2010 be 2009% better for all of us.
Reg
January 4, 2010 - 12:23 pm
Mike said: First of all, I’m not that resolute.
Bwaaaahaaaaaahhaaa….haa…..ha… *koff* ahem…
Webster’s Defintion of Resolute:
1. firm in purpose or belief; steadfast
2. characterized by resolution; determined a resolute answer
Yo man… ain’t nobody I virtually know that’s more resolute than you, dawg. And that’s a good thing.
Respect.
MOTU
January 4, 2010 - 3:22 pm
“And, finally, I wish the Chicago Cubs would win the World Series, although I realize that would send the planet spinning into the sun. I gotta make some sacrifices.”
BAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA…need to…catch..my…breath…BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHASHSHSAAAAAA…HA!
pennie
January 4, 2010 - 6:36 pm
“I wish the Geico lizard would get in a sex scandal with the Progressive Insurance chick.”
THAT made me laugh. The Lizard King…Mr. Mojo Rising….
Definitely pay to see THAT on the tube.
The Cubs?…well my Red Sox did it with a miracle finish sweep of The Evil Empire then they ate the whole enchilada—and the planets somehow remained aligned. That Goat thing can’t be too far behind, can it? Uhhhhh…..
As for “Say it Ain’t So, Joe”…It Ain’t.
pennie
January 4, 2010 - 7:02 pm
PS: Great title! Rattling jewelry!
Mike Gold
January 5, 2010 - 8:03 am
Adriane and I met a couple of good friends at a Billy Goat on New Year’s Eve, before the Blackhawks/Devils game. My pal Charlie Meyerson (WGN-AM news director, formerly of WXRT) politely and charmingly disclosed he was never thrilled with the place. Me neither. Not only did the founder put the jinx on the Cubs, but he stole credit for the SNL Cheezborger routine.
There are lots — and I mean LOTS — of Chicago places that COULD have been the inspiration for the routine, including a place a across the street from Second City (Stagecoach) that I used to frequent. But the fact, as revealed by the sainted Mike Royko (a Billy Goat regular), there was a short order joint in the Logan Square neighborhood that was run by the Belushi Brothers’ uncle, who hired pretty much the whole family. That’s where the routine came from.
So a pox on Billy Sianis family. His nephew Sam has been trying to remove the curse and various exorcists have given it a try, but the curse holds. I think there are only two ways to remove the curse: either get Ernie Banks to butcher the goat and burn the heart, or have the Sianis’ family stop using goat meat in those crummy cheezeborgers.
I mean, that IS goat meat, right? If not… OMG!
Reg
January 5, 2010 - 8:19 am
So *this* is what is meant by… ‘The Chicago way!’
Marc Alan Fishman
January 5, 2010 - 9:41 am
@Mike… if it’s one thing the city has, it’s PLENTY of decent burger stops. The Goat used to be a sacred place for me and the unshaven crew. When we were in high school, and took the train downtown to go to the art institute, or just hang around, we’d always go to the goat on lower wacker. We marveled at the “old bar” feel of the place, and loved to be bossed around.
Over time though, as we all work downtown, we see the goat for what it is… just another local chain… that DOES sell fries, and DOES sell coke… and is manned by any number of bossy greeks. meh.
Have you ever taken Adriane and Linda to Kuma’s corner? I think they’d dig it.
Mike Gold
January 5, 2010 - 3:43 pm
Last week’s trip to Chicago fulfilled a desire: I wanted a couple of truly great bar burgers, and I got them — thanks to you. When we-all (Linda, Adriane, the Unshaven clan) met for New Year’s Eve lunch at the Bull and Bear I had the Kobe burger with sweet onion marmalade. It was fantastic. Mike Norton recommended one at a bar called The Logan in Logan Square; it was quite good. It’s also near Challenger’s Comics, one of the absolute best comics shops on Earth. And I had a pepper encrusted burger at the Goose Island Brewpub that was excellent. But the Bull and Bear burger was the best, and I thank you deeply.
R. Maheras
January 5, 2010 - 6:32 pm
I wish I were back in Chicago to SEE the Cubs attempt to win a world series.
This L.A. weather is nuts! I’m walking around in 75-degree weather during the first week in January and I’m actually worrying about getting sunburned???
It just ain’t normal, I tell you!
Mike Gold
January 6, 2010 - 11:13 am
I always have the same reaction in southern California. i love my seasons, and I enjoy cold weather. When we went to Phoenix in January about a decade ago, Linda had a really bad time: she thought the weather was a perversion of nature. And she grew up in New Jersey, not Chicago!
Still, the Cubs winning the World Series would cause SO many catastrophic events — polar bears giving birth to iguanas, hurricanes in Utah, Yankees meeting the salary cap — I think the world would go Krypton on us!
Reg
January 6, 2010 - 12:58 pm
Mike and his cold weather fetish….. Capillaries shrinking, skin cracking, dried mucous membranes, static shocks…yeeaaah…fun times!
Mike Gold
January 7, 2010 - 1:07 pm
Outside of the occasional static shock — no doubt brought on by my magnetic personality — I’ve never suffered those problems. People who respect the cold and dress appropriately handle it just fine. Those that can’t belong in California, where they can enjoy all those mudslides, earthquakes, mammoth conflagrations, and the worst air quality in the nation.
Every area has its drawbacks. Cold weather doesn’t bother me because I can dress for it. Hot weather, on the other hand, sucks for me — I’m still hot, even when I’m naked.
Hey. Come to think of it, I’m PARTICULARLY hot when I’m naked.
Reg
January 7, 2010 - 2:08 pm
See? I feel exactly the opposite.. I think one can almost always cool off…just by minimizing your activity.. but man, when you’re cold…especially if you’re outside…you can’t always warm up.
Coldest I’ve ever been was a February in Schaumburg… and they had to de-ice the plane *3* times on my way out. Really pleasant memory
*Greeeeen country is the place to be….Cold weather’s juust not for me… 😀
As far as the last… I think we’d best get Linda’s assessment before the rest of us can accept that little toot of your own horn as fact.
R. Maheras
January 7, 2010 - 2:47 pm
She-ooot! I’m using my bloody air-conditioner during the first week in JANUARY!
Like I said… it just ain’t RIGHT!