The Perfect Murder, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #158

March 12, 2010 Michael Davis 5 Comments

When he awoke in his hotel suite Rush Limbaugh could not believe his eyes.

In the mirror, staring back at him was a young Latino woman. What the hell was going on here he wondered, “ I must still be high.” He mutters to himself…wait a second; high or not that was not his voice he heard. The voice he heard was of a young Latino woman. Limbaugh turned around quickly hoping to see the person who was playing tricks on him.

No, he was alone.

“Man, I got to cut down on those pills.” He thought as he went into the bathroom to take a shower. He knew the shower would wake him up and bring him back to his senses. Opening the shower door and stepping in Limbaugh tried his best to ignore the supple round brown breasts that he could have sworn was hanging from his chest. “ Man! Do I really need to cut down on those pills!” He stood in the shower for a long time letting the water run over him. He reached for the soap so he could lather up. As always Rush started his shower by washing his privates.

Maria was her name she was forty-one, Mexican and had worked as a maid for over twenty years. Maria thought she had seen or heard everything working in hotels for as long as see had.

“WHERE’S MY DICK??”

Maria had not heard that. That was a new one. She went about cleaning the suite after a chuckle or two. When the bathroom door opened and a naked young Latino woman ran screaming into the bedroom Maria just smiled and turned away.

“WHERE’S MY DICK??”

Maria having walked in on quite a few people over the years had long ago realized that people were a little freaky. Mr. Rush Limbaugh, whose suite it was, was famous and rich. Maria knew that famous and rich people were the freakiest. She expected to see the famous Mr. Rush Limbaugh come out of the bathroom at any moment to continue playing this freaky sex game so Maria thought it best if she left. “I’m sorry.” Maria said in perfect English. “I’ll come back and finish later.” Maria was surprised that Mr. Rush Limbaugh was into Latino girls. “No, wait!” Rush said trying his best to wake up from this pill-induced nightmare. “I’ve lost my DICK, I don’t have a DICK!”

Maria was a maid but she was also very smart, only a few credits away from her masters in social work, not an easy feat taking care of your family, working and going to school nights but she was doing it. She realized quickly that this young lady had lost a sex toy in the room and this may be an attempt to blame Maria.  That or the famous Mr. Rush Limbaugh spent the night with a crazy Latina. “She must be Cuban.”  Maria thought.

“Perhaps your toy is under the bed.” Maria said, determined to remain calm. She had been working in the hotel for twenty years and she had seen some freaky stuff in all that time. Freaky stuff ran across all races she knew. She also knew that the freakiest people were white people.  Freakier still were rich white people.

Maria realized long ago the best way to deal with rich freaky white people was to remain calm. She fully realized that the young lady looking for the dick was not white (must be Cuban cause she seemed crazy so no way she could be Mexican) and probably not rich but she was in the suite of fat, ugly over 50 Mr. Rush Limbaugh so she must be crazy. Maria knew from her social work training that remaining calm was also the way to deal with crazy people.

“Perhaps my toy is under my bed? Toy? My dick is not a toy!”

“ Sorry, where did you see your to…eh your dick last?”

Rush pointed between his legs.

“Right here you stupid wet back!”

“ Madam please don’t talk to me like that.”

Maria thought, who was this crazy Cuban calling a wetback? Maria had walked across the boarder. Cubans swim.

“Madam? Do I look like a fucking madam to you?”

Maria thought it best to just remain silent and leave. “Answer me you spic, do I look like a madam to you?  Maria turned and started to walk away.  “Wetback? Spic? Cubans really have issues.” Maria thought as she reached the door. Rush flew across the room and slapped Maria on the side of her head. Maria thought; that bitch is crazy and she had had enough.

Maria cold cocked Rush on the side of the head with her massive key ring. Rush fell back and cracked his head on a coffee table. Rush could hear the maid saying something but could not make it out. He fought a losing battle to try and understand what she was saying but soon all went dark. Maria stood over the now unconscious bleeding woman for a long moment then she called security on her walkie-talkie…

“Rush, Rush, RUSH?”

Rush opened his eyes. Yes, he was Rush. Rush Limbaugh! Whoever this black woman staring down at him confirmed that he was waking up from a bad dream.  Rush asked; “Miss, where am I?”  “You’re in the emergency room at a downtown hospital. You cracked your head on a coffee table. You’re in pretty bad shape.” So he had fallen back and hurt his head, that was real and not part of the dream. “ Are you a reporter? Oh, my god has this made the news?” Rush asked franticly. “Rush, listen to me closely. I’m not a reporter. In fact you know me.” Rush’s head was throbbing but try as he might he had no idea who this fat, black woman was. No biggie he thought, this must be one of his few black conservative fans.

The woman looked around the crowed E.R. no one was paying her any attention but still she whispered; “Rush it’s me Michael Steele”

Rush considered this. He MUST still be high; in fact this was becoming quite funny. He started to laugh but stopped immediately. His head hurt something awful.   “My GOD this is a bad trip.” He said out loud instead of laughing. The black woman (continuing to look around, making sure she was not being overheard) stared at Rush with an intensity that made Rush pay attention despite how high he thought he was or how much his head hurt. “Listen to me Rush. I’m Michael Steele you’re Rush Limbaugh. Somehow, someway you have been turned into a Mexican woman and I’ve been turned into a black woman.”

Rush pondered this; something about this was bothering him even more so than the statement this obvious crazy welfare mother (she must be on welfare she was black Rush thought…duh) just uttered. Something that maid said at the hotel before after she cold cocked him but before he passed out. What was it?

“Screw you, you Cuban whore!” That was it.

“I’m not Mexican.” Rush heard himself saying. “I’m Cuban.”

“OH MY GOD” was his next thought. Somehow he knew it was all-true. By some horrible set of cosmic circumstances Rush and Steele had become what they hated most. Rush had become a poor, Cuban illegal alien-she had to be poor and illegal she was Cuban…duh.

And Steele had become what he hated most. Black.

“Is it just us?” Rush asked. “No.”  Steele said. “Glenn Beck has been turned into a Gay man with a lisp. He’s over there.”  Rush followed Steele’s gaze. Sure enough there was Glenn Beck sitting on the other side of the E.R. Beck was still a man but he was wearing a wife-beater tee shirt with the words, Sorry girls I suck Dick, in bright red letters.  A man sitting next to Beck was trying to get him to do just that.

“How is this possible and what are we doing in this hospital?” Rush asked while trying to rise from the gurney he was on. He couldn’t move he was in too much pain. “No idea how it happened but I’m sure why.” Stelle answered. “It must be a plot by Liberals for revenge.”  “What?” Rush shouted and regretted it immediately as the pain shot through his head. Lowering his voice Rush asked; “ What kind of revenge is this? Those spineless Liberals, they find the power, magic or fucking technology to exact revenge and THIS is what they came up with?  I may look like a women but I’m still Rush Limbaugh! If it was me I would have used that power to wipe out those fucking cowards one and for all.”

Steele looked at Rush and started weeping. “Don’t cry you damn fool. As soon as I see the doctor for my injury we will figure out a way out of this nightmare.” Rush said with determination in his voice.

“That’s just it.” Steele started. “You, Beck and I have horrible life threatening injuries.” Rush now took another look at Steele, he had not noticed before but Steele had what looked like a screwdriver protruding from his neck. A glance at Beck and Rush could clearly see the kitchen knife sticking out of his side. Then Rush glanced over to the framed photo that hung on the wall right next to where he was laying. In the reflection of the glass Rush clearly saw what appeared to be a fairly large piece of wood imbedded in his head. Rush tried to remain calm; as he repeated, “As soon as I see the doctor for my injury we…”

“ WE SAW THE DOCTOR!!” Steele yelled so loud that the entire room went silent. Steele did not care rather or not anyone could hear him anymore. “ We saw the doctor, all of us. You were delirious when they brought you in. You were screaming “I’m Rush Limbaugh! Everyone thought you were crazy but I knew you were telling the truth because, well look at me.”

Rush stayed silent as Steele continued. “ By law all a hospital has to do is stabilize you. We’re all been stabilized and they may or may not give us additional care, it depends.”

“Depends on what?” Rush asked tears flowing from his eyes because he already knew the answer.  “On health insurance.” Steele uttered.

Rush smiled at this. He smiled at the sheer genius of the plan. How it was done he would never know, what he did know is that whoever did this had just committed the perfect murder. As Rush put his head down, resigned to his fate, slowly feeling his life slip from him he uttered his last words…

“Rosebud.”

Rush felt himself drawn to no light, there was only a dark road with a long line of people walking ahead of him. The smell of sulfur and brimstone was all around him and he was hot beyond belief. He realized that the road he was on was the road to Hell. The man in front of him turned and looked at Rush, who was Rush again, no longer was he a Latino woman. “ Why are you here?” The man asked. No longer a woman Rush heard his own voice when he answered the man’s question. “I have no idea, I’m entertainer I was just pushing people’s buttons looking for a few laughs.”

“Really?” The man said as he turned away from Rush.

“ I guess you weren’t funny.”