How To Have Sex by Q. Reyes – Artistic Warfare #69

May 16, 2010 Q. Reyes 0 Comments

So I tricked you into reading this. This has nothing to do with sex. I just thought it was an appropriate title for my article number sixty-nine. Ohhhh yeah!!!

In all seriousness, I want to talk baseball (which is a great thing to think about if you don’t want to have an “early arrival” when having sex). Is there anything more boring than baseball? How is this America’s past time? Who’s passing that time? Baseball has become so boring that even the players don’t want to be there.

BASEBALL PLAYER – If I weren’t getting millions of dollars, I’d be home watching basketball.

I have to admit that baseball is great for dating because the tickets are way cheaper, but that’s about it. You ever had a Dodger Dog? You better be starving or drunk or both. If not then they taste like someone stepped on it right before giving it to you.

Beer at the baseball games is overpriced (like at any event) – the problem is that it takes you 200 years waiting in line to get one, then you miss the one play that would have made the entire game exciting.

Look, the most interesting part of baseball is Derek Jeter’s love life. That’s it. But nah, this baseball talk is all a front to get to what I really want to talk about: Sex.

Okay ladies, please don’t bite the balls. Don’t suck the balls too hard. It hurts. Please be gentle. You might think you’re doing a lot, but all you’re doing is hurting us. The balls are a very sensitive area on a man’s body. A good sign that you’re doing it wrong is to listen to the guy go “ouch”! Ouch usually means “stop!”

Also, once we (guys) are done, stop. It tickles. Just go make us a sandwich and hand us the remote control. Thanks.

Hum… I wonder who’s offended this week… how fun! Good times.