Flinging Feces At Fate, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #181

August 2, 2010 Mike Gold 1 Comment

In man’s evolution he has created
The cities and the motor traffic rumble
But give me half a chance and I’d be taking off my clothes and living in the jungle.
But the only time that I feel at ease

Swinging up and down in a coconut tree.
Oh, what a life of luxury, to be like an Ape Man.

– Ray Davies, Ape Man

This Wednesday I turn 60 years old. One of those big deal birthdays, maybe the biggest. For me, it means I’m no longer 59 and the crappiest year of my life is over.

Hey. “The king is dead, long live the king.”

I’m not saying this to generate birthday greetings or sympathy from my friends here at Michael Davis World; I know you’re here with me and I genuinely appreciate that. But it’s so easy to fall into the trap of self-pity.

Not that I believe in stoicism. I think we’ve evolved our emotions for a reason, although it made more sense when our ancestors simply threw their shit at one another. Monkeys are admirably honest and direct: if they don’t like you, they throw their shit at you. We humans used to reach for our guns; now we reach for our lawyers.

That’s not progress.

My 59^th year started with my insurance company deciding they shouldn’t pay for my pain medication. It’s for a chronic condition, and that’s a long story and a boring one at that. It took me until sometime around February to find an acceptable substitute and, as it turns out, it would cost me about three grand a year. I was able to get it from a legitimate Canadian outfit for less than one hundred bucks a year. Then it took me a couple more months to balance out the dosage so I wouldn’t be in a permanent fog, easing about nine months of constant pain.

About two months after I got all that straightened out, I went to bed with my wife of 17 years and we were happy and conversant and playful. About four hours later I awoke to the sound of her choking and totally incommunicative. I called EMS, started CPR, and went through that particular circus of horror… to no avail. Throughout our marriage, we spent no more than four nights apart. I used to joke I was the most married guy I knew, and I liked it that way. I still do; I wouldn’t trade a minute of that time for anything.

People have been fantastic. What I’ve learned from this and from the benefits we held for John Ostrander is that the comics community really is an extended family that really comes together in time of need. I’m proud to be part of it.

Year 59 is not one that I will miss in any way. I’ve got tons and tons of stuff to deal with; financially, sudden death is a deep nightmare. Obviously, our daughter Adriane is going through the same process, but we’re continuously there for each other and what has been the most amazing experience of my life has become a profound lifesaver that has further enriched my life.

So I’m ending my 59^th year with only slightly subdued defiance.

Fuck you, Age 59. I shall outlast you.

I’ll be your Tarzan, you’ll be my Jane
I’ll keep you warm and you’ll keep me sane
We’ll sit in the trees and eat bananas all day

Just like an Ape Man.

– Ray Davies, Ape Man

Media metaphysician and www.ComicMix.com editor-in-Chief Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking bizarro music and blather radio show on The Point, www.getthepointradio.com, every Sunday at 7:00 PM Eastern, replayed three times during the week (check the website above for times). Likewise, his Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind political and cultural rants pop up each and every day at the same venue.