Mr. Clean, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #194
November 19, 2010 Michael Davis 26 Comments
I’m a neat freak.
Really.
How much of a neat freak am I? Before I check out of a hotel room I tidy up. I’m not kidding. If I’m in my studio painting, I’ll take a break and tidy up. If I’m in my office writing (like I am now) NOTHING can be on my desk except my computers and keyboards.
I have two late models Mac’s I work on in my office. The reason I have two is not so much that I need the computing power as much as I like my reference materials on a computer screen and not on my desk. It’s gotten so bad I HAVE to have wireless keyboards and wireless mouse(s) on every computer in my house (I have six) so I don’t have to look at wires on my desks.
I know it’s a sickness. I know.
I know.
I know.
I KNOW!
I’ve gotten to the point where I clean up before my maid comes to work.
Really.
REALLY!
Why do I have a maid?
I’m A FREAKING NEAT FREAK!
That’s it. No rant, I just wanted to ask the MDW community if I’m alone in my strangeness.
H
E
L
P
!
Mike Gold
November 19, 2010 - 8:54 am
Adriane and I were wondering if you’d, ahh, freelance. We’re moving everything around in the old homestead, and so we really haven’t cleaned up since, maybe, 1989. We’ve got plenty of bacon.
And by bacon, of course I mean… bacon!
pennie
November 19, 2010 - 6:06 pm
MOTU, I have been hauling way too much stuff around the country to various domiciles. In fact, most of my worldly possessions currently remain in boxes. Like Mike, if you do a cross-country freelance sweep, I have more bacon and there are Asian women waiting for you…
Mike Gold
November 20, 2010 - 7:50 am
Asian women in Battle Creek? Wow, everything’s up to date in Cereal City…
Maybe I should move.
MOTU
November 20, 2010 - 8:30 am
Mike,
My neatness issues only have to do with MY environment. MY home, office, car, etc. That said I’m ALWAYS ready to help a friend if I can. I HATE to move yet I LOVE to move. I don’t get that either. ALL that said- I am SO good at helping OTHER people move stuff because my ability to organize is fantastic. Ask Denys, he and I must have helped each other move at least 20 times since we met.
I remember helping Kent Williams move and no matter what he may think his paintings ended up in my car by MISTAKE. Big mouth damn Denys…
I’d think I’d shoot myself if I had issues with other people’s messes. Very few people meet my stupid standards. Yes-I’m well aware I have some sort of ACD, I get that. I guess it could be worst, I could be one of those people who can’t leave the house, or wash my hands 100 times an hour-man that would suck and I really feel for people who really have life altering ACD.
I hope to get to NYC for a bit over the holidays and if I’m there for a week or so (I HOPE) I’ll be glad to help you…and the bacon does NOT hurt!
MOTU
November 20, 2010 - 8:39 am
Pennie,
I watch these show on Pack Rats on TV and ‘professional organizers’ (BTW what a fucking bullshit job that is) tell you to just throw away stuff you have not looked at in years. I just opened a box from my NY move which was over 15 years ago. There was a Peter Max original I FORGOT he gave me.
FUCK professional organizers. Really.
Oh and Pennie…Bacon and Asian women?
Really?
Am I that shallow that you think I would…
Yes, thank you.
MOTU
November 20, 2010 - 8:44 am
Bacon and Asian women!!!!
DUH! THAT’S the one category porn is missing!
Hello, Vivid video? My name is…err.. Dwayne Cowan Grell, I have an idea for you…
MOTU
November 20, 2010 - 8:53 am
Hey,
Is ANYBODY proud of me? I let the entire Dancing with the stars Brandy / Bristol racist thing go without losing my mind.
Hey, EVERYBODY knows when white people win a dance contest the fix is in. Its like an all white jury in Mississippi during the 60’s. Black man on trial…guilty. White man on trial NOT guilty.
Sorry, that was uncalled for and not true what I said about Mississippi during the 60’s. That would be Mississippi during the 60’s 70’s 80’s 90’s,,,yesterday.
MOTU
November 20, 2010 - 8:54 am
Tomorrow…
MOTU
November 20, 2010 - 8:54 am
…and beyond.
Mike Gold
November 20, 2010 - 11:42 am
Hmmm. You think the Brandy / Bristol thing is racist? I dunno about this one. I think the Brandy / Bristol thing is a shitload of tea baggers calling a shitload of times to vote for their Führer’s hypocritical ugly slut daughter.
Now, if you were to respond with “okay, but the tea baggers are racist” I’d say “outside of a handful of pathetically insecure tokens who’d rather pass than act in their own best interest, you’re goddamned right.”
Martha Thomases
November 20, 2010 - 3:57 pm
I’m lucky enough to be married to the compulsive cleaner. I recommend it highly.
pennie
November 20, 2010 - 4:39 pm
MOTU, you, Master of the Universe, are sitting on yet another untapped goldmine. Bacon and Asian women. True fusion and true genius. Of course, I could use a film credit for suggesting the combo and Mike G would need some love too for starting the thread.
Consider the possibilities: “Eat my Mu shu pork!” Or, “Clean My Box and Pens you P*g” “Stuff my Won Ton” I could go on…
Seriously, (is it possible with this), your column is just that timely. I have gone on a cleaning jag and am determined to rid myself of all this stuff I’ve been hauling. And I don’t even need the ACID this decade. Oh, you meant ACD…
Mike, much to my amazement, BC in in the midst of a veritable explosion of Burmese people. Have no clue why. I like it being one who embraces diversity. Out of nowhere, there are now two Thai restaurants in town. Cereal City is morphing into something else. Maybe we’ll soon see Post Pad Thai and Kellogg’s Korb Kun Ka Krunchies…
MOTU
November 20, 2010 - 8:25 pm
Mike,
Okay, but the tea baggers are racist…and they suck balls.
Reg
November 20, 2010 - 8:49 pm
‘Raising hand’….ummmm….I clean up before leaving my hotel room too. Whether it’s for the day or before I leave.
Mama’s got a heavy hand.
“Boy!! Di…dn’t…I…raise…you…bet…ter…than…THIS! Don’t…you…know…how…hard…these…Don’t you run away from ME!!”
😀
It’s good to not be alone.
MOTU
November 21, 2010 - 1:49 am
Reg,
WhenI was in the 4th grade I decided to play hooky from school. I hid under my bed and my plan was to wait there until my mom went to one of her 15 jobs. i picked the ONE day of the month she was home during the day and she discovered me when she was cleaning my room and the broom could not go all the way under the bed because something (ME) was under there. She leaned down to see what it was and almost fainted. I thought she was going to clean my clock but she calmed down and let me spend the day with her at home.
I could NOT figure that out until my sister told me why she was not mad-we lived in the hood HOOD and finding a child dead was not uncommon. She was so happy I was alive she just let it go.
Point? I felt SO horrible about putting her through that I started to clean my own room, then the kitchen then the living room and her room , etc. I cleaned every room in the house ( what I took for cleaning then was sweeping the floor, hey I was in the 4th grade) EXCEPT for my sisters room. Somehow all the dirt and dust I swept ended up in her room. Some people think I’m a dick now but as a little brother I was the worst.
I’m 100% sure that’s where my cleaning bug started. My mom would have company and brag about how I LOVED to clean house and soon I swear everyone in the projects heard that. NOT what you want to be known for in the hood.
Whitney
November 21, 2010 - 6:58 am
MOTU-san:
Don’t you know that EVERYONE cleans before the housekeeper arrives? It’s like a guy flexing his bicep an instant before a woman’s hand touches him, or a woman pulling in her stomach and arching her back as she walks by a darling dude. It allows one to “act casual”.
Whitney
November 21, 2010 - 7:07 am
@pennie:
RE: Burmese influx to B.C….Not sure, but it might be same conditions that led to influx of Hong Kong biz/then generalized immigration immediately prior to the crown returning the colony back to the commies. I was getting my MBA just south of the border at the time, and many buisnesses were establishing satellite offices to hedge their bets in case the mainland government was too biz adverse. With the global effect of British associative colonial policy, Burma might be mnore diversified to establish outposts in other areas of the Pacific Rim.
But it may be my imagination, because I just had a glass of merlot for breakfast. ‘Nite.
Mike Keener
November 21, 2010 - 9:22 am
I have the same thing, sir.
I inherited my gigantor office desk from my wife (once she switched to a laptop for grading papers); she often remarks how weird it is to actually see the surface of the desk. I’ve been working with a small Cintiq monitor, and my complaint is that it created a small maze of cords in the left rear corner of my desktop (even though there is literally nothing else there).
MOTU
November 21, 2010 - 10:29 am
Mike Keener wrote:
“…and my complaint is that it created a small maze of cords in the left rear corner of my desktop (even though there is literally nothing else there).”
DUDE!!! I KNOW!!! Those things drive me NUTS!
MOTU
November 21, 2010 - 10:49 am
Whitney wrote,
“Don’t you know that EVERYONE cleans before the housekeeper arrives? ”
You know I love you BUT for the 100 millionth time, I’m from the projects and i’m black. If I am paying for something I want every cent of value from my dollar.
Tidying up before paying someone to come in and tidy up goes against every cell in my body…BUT I can’t help it!
You remember what I said when you told me your dog needed an operation that cost a few grand…AND there was no guarantee it would save him? I said, ‘Get a new dog.’ YOU without hesitation paid for the operation. I love my dogs but until they can pay rent…
Mike Gold
November 21, 2010 - 11:52 am
MOTU sez: “You know I love you BUT for the 100 millionth time, I’m from the projects and i’m black. If I am paying for something I want every cent of value from my dollar.”
Hmmm… I don’t think my father was black…
MOTU
November 21, 2010 - 12:34 pm
Mike Gold wrote,
‘Hmmm… I don’t think my father was black…”
Good point, but you know the expression ‘It’s a black thing?’
pennie
November 21, 2010 - 3:23 pm
MOTU and Mike, I live by buying “on-sale.” Food, clothing, anything. It’s how I’ve survived all this time. I want value. I agree. Not sure it’s any one group, culture, race, or gender in this . When you don’t have much, you make the most of your roll. Then again, if I remain true to my get-rid-of-things campaign, I won’t be buying nearly as much…right?
Whitney, Merlot: breakfast of champions!
Not sure about your Burmese illustration but I am intrigued. Little Battle Creek? Seriously? Here? Huh?
Then again, you know how a family moves to a place. They find work and they get along. More family and friends join them. Soon enough, there’s a Burmese peninsula in Southwest Michigan. Certainly far from anything like Southeast Asia.
Hey, isn’t that how America accumulated so many European colonists?
There’s a real nice Burmese woman at work. Always has a big smile when when I see her. I’ll ask her about this and maybe even learn something.
Whitney
November 21, 2010 - 8:42 pm
pennie –
I suppose I should have asked, “Where do you live?” before I assumed “Vancouver”. Apparently, I had no idea what I was talking about.
Grocery list: Two Buck Chuck (no). Captain Crunch (yes)
pennie
November 22, 2010 - 5:45 pm
Whitney, I can only wish to turn BC where I currently reside to BC, Canada.
Dating myself, surely, I remember when Captain Crunch contained high-pitch whistles with the same frequency that allowed hackers, back in the day, to make free phone calls from pay phones… THAT is a whole other thing, right?
Or am I just going senile…
Mike Gold
November 22, 2010 - 6:29 pm
No, you’re not (necessarily) going senile, but you had to stand an exact distance from the microphone, you had to get the pitch just right, and for the right amount of time. It was SO much easier to simply figure out some big company’s telephone credit card number. Each year, that code was cracked within hours of activation. Of course, any kid with an X-Box could do it in minutes today.
There was one guy, who I’m pretty certain is no longer among the living, who created a box that would simulate the various tones that would get AT&T to ship, say, a couple of those huge spools of cable to, say, the local draft broad. Nice guy, kind of quiet, used to work for Ma Bell. Great sense of humor.