The Best Pick Up Lines… Ever, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #195
November 28, 2010 Michael Davis 39 Comments
Yeah, I missed my Friday deadline. I went to Deny Cowan’ s house for Thanksgiving and it has become a Thanksgiving tradition at the Cowan household to make sure I get my share of tequila.
I did.
Sorry.
Friday morning I was getting gas and a lady asked me if I was doing anything for ‘ Black Friday.’ I said; “ Every Friday was Black Friday to me.”
I thought it was clever but this woman laughed like I was Jerry Lewis and she was French. It took me a second but then I realized she was trying to engage me in a conversation. Perhaps she was (wait for it, wait for it) trying to pick me up.
I was looking pretty good. Dark glasses hiding my (bloodshot) eyes, a cap covering my (un-combed) hair, tight jeans on my well formed butt…what?
I realized that this pretty young thing (she was pretty in a injured calf kind of way) suffered from what most people suffer from, the inability to ‘ break the ice’ with the opposite sex.
Below are proven MOTU lines, which I know will work to break the ice with that opposite sex.
For Guys:
1 . Excuse me Miss, would you like some penis?
2 . I’ m horny and your name…?
3 . Right before I met you I was gay.
4 . My wife wants a threesome.
5 . My girlfriend wants a threesome.
6 . My wife and girlfriend want a foursome.
7 . I don’ t want to sleep with you. Sleeping? What a waste that would be.
8 . I like fat chicks…really.
9 . I’ m in a program; you’ re my first step.
1 0 .Before I met you I was a Catholic Priest, I know your little brother.
For Gals:
1 . Yes.
Happy belated Thanksgiving!
Pitt
November 28, 2010 - 6:33 pm
AWESOME!
MOTU
November 28, 2010 - 8:02 pm
Pitt,
Yet true.
Martha Thomases
November 28, 2010 - 9:41 pm
Maybe this is too 1970s, but…
Are you a dancer?
Whitney
November 29, 2010 - 12:37 am
Amazing Martha –
A guy used that line on me at the club last weekend! I honestly had no idea it was a pick-up line! Good to know.
Whitney
November 29, 2010 - 12:40 am
MOTU –
Re: …Gals: “Yes.”
You stole my line.
Suggestion: Drop the use of the word ‘gal’. Astonishingly nerdy. Pocket protector to the tenth power.
Mike Gold
November 29, 2010 - 2:38 am
Whitney, I was thinking of using “dolls” instead of “gals.” Would that work with any women under 70?
Whitney
November 29, 2010 - 1:36 pm
Mike Gold, the Golden Boy –
Surprisingly, “dame” works really well. ‘Doll’ is a close second. But, as I like to tell those like me who used to cross the line by disgarding Ken in favor of GI Joe as a better-suited boyfriend for Barbie, “I’m not a doll. I’m an action figure.”
Hoo Ah.
MOTU
November 29, 2010 - 1:44 pm
Mike, Whitney,
What about ‘Chick?’
Martha Thomases
November 29, 2010 - 2:35 pm
MOTU: You can call women “chicks” as long as I can call men “cocks.”
MOTU
November 29, 2010 - 3:20 pm
Martha,
Strangely, I’m OK with that.
Shane Kelly
November 29, 2010 - 4:28 pm
LMAO! This is one endlessly entertaining entry into the MOTU Blogosphere! There are some classics posted so far.
As for the “chick/doll/dame/gal” debate, I always opted for lady, or (depending on the type of lady she is) broad, as in “You are one tough and glorious broad, and I respect the hell out of you darlin”
carlos franco
November 29, 2010 - 4:38 pm
that was cool… how about, I’m black, therefore… my dick is bigger than everyone else’s in here:)
carlos franco
November 29, 2010 - 4:44 pm
This can work for Italians, as well. It works for me, I’m Italian (well, half – the bottom half;)
MOTU
November 29, 2010 - 5:15 pm
Carlos,
That ‘dick is bigger on black guys’ is a myth.
It’s WAY bigger.
BLAM! RIMSHOT, I’m here all week! Try the veal!
pennie
November 29, 2010 - 5:21 pm
MOTU: “3 . Right before I met you I was gay”
I would use it to the ladies–but have to add, “Nothing’s changed…”
Wanna bet how successful that would be?
}’:>)
MOTU
November 29, 2010 - 5:25 pm
Pennie,
For you?
VERY successful.
pennie
November 29, 2010 - 5:34 pm
MOTU:
}’;>)
pennie
November 29, 2010 - 5:35 pm
MOTU: You are the Sweetheart!
carlos franco
November 29, 2010 - 9:01 pm
pennie with the “neg” hit;) yeh that shit’ll be successful till the mystery movie comes out! after that, u can only use that on women that are too chud-like to get invited to the movies.. actually u can use anything on them! your pick-up line could be “Boo, i have AIDS:)” and close with “i said boo cuz i’m about to TURN U INTO A GHOST!” she’ll giggle girlishly n reply “ok, make sure u use a condum!” wink!
pennie
November 30, 2010 - 6:09 am
@Carlos: nothing negative at all with my comments or lesbians in general. It’s all good. No different than anyone else.
Been to a lot of movies with a lot of women. No mysteries there. Whole lotta love.
If you think lesbians are “chud-like,” well, you can go on believing that. We’ll carry on quite well…besides we don’t use condoms.
carlos franco
November 30, 2010 - 11:18 am
pennie,
LOL … I – am – sorry! wen i read ur comment, i kindve zipped through it and when u put “i use to be gay” with “and nothings changed,” i thought that was like a …”take-back” comment.. that forces some women to want to make you want them. i did not realize u were a woman. no offense. there was an NBA player that went by penny hardaway. that’s why my comment makes no sense. LOL friends?
pennie
November 30, 2010 - 1:00 pm
Sure. Most who post here know me by now–all girl. That was why I wrote what I did. MOTU gave me the perfect soft-serve set up. And, he is the all-time sweetheart.
Last I checked, I had all the usual catalog of female attributes. I know the Penny Hardaway thing but, that is one of the 39 reasons I spell it that way. Besides, “pennie” is a nickname I chose because some have a hard time stumbling over my real name–Half-dollar…
It’s a funny world and you might be surprised at how many women are entranced and go out of the box–or in–when another woman hits on them.
}’;>)
Mike Gold
November 30, 2010 - 5:40 pm
“Cocks” is okay by me as long as if you shout it across a rook people don’t go looking for Mick Jagger. I’ve had enough of that preening prick; he should just shut up and sing. But I don’t see the balance between “chic ks” and “cocks.” Cocks should be older than chicks. Euphemistically speaking, I think “chicks” should refer to jail bait. Or women who play tic-tac-toe all the time.
Dame is really classy. But you know somebody is going to fuck it up and pronounce it “daa-MAY.”
carlos franco
November 30, 2010 - 7:07 pm
i like you pennie… what is ur real name?
Martha Thomases
November 30, 2010 - 8:03 pm
@carlos: Pennie is her real name.
MOTU
November 30, 2010 - 8:04 pm
“Carlos & Pennie sitting in a tree…”
carlos franco
December 1, 2010 - 3:58 pm
LOL ok… thanks martha… haha mike, “and motu sittng in the next tree, J-E-R-K-I-N-G”
MOTU
December 1, 2010 - 6:38 pm
Carlos,
That’s not a tree buddy…
pennie
December 1, 2010 - 7:25 pm
Carlos, trust me, that’s no tree. Girls talk–that’s a woodie!
MOTU is the answer to “who let the dogs out?”
They aren’t barking up the wrong tree…er, woodie…
pennie
December 1, 2010 - 7:31 pm
Carlos, “pennie” is my nom de plume, or pennie name. My real name is (wait for it)…MOTA: Mistress of the Alchemy (all rights reserved, copyright 2010, soon to be a fantasy appearing nightly somewhere someday).
carlos franco
December 1, 2010 - 8:00 pm
LOL… yeh, right, Mike, i thought u had a SPLINTER in ur finger!
carlos franco
December 1, 2010 - 8:41 pm
“pennie,”
alchemy? like tom cruise? i never heard of a witch that was concerned with copyright infringement… actually, i figure a witch would want to stay clear away from trials.. after that “SALEM vs.” one:) jk… please dont put a spell on me, my God would be wrathful.
Mike Gold
December 1, 2010 - 8:55 pm
Pennie, you need to trademark it not copyright it. And you’ve got to use it in trade. Otherwise, it’s just a name and you can’t protect that.
Sinatra trademarked Sinatra. Which is funny, since when I lived in Chicago I used that name on restaurant waiting lists.
pennie
December 2, 2010 - 4:46 pm
Mike, I’ll take your direction: MOTA: Mistress of the Alchemy (TM 2010 with all rights reserved, copyright 2010, soon to be a fantasy appearing nightly somewhere someday)…
Carlos: honestly, when I conjure alchemy, Tom Cruise doesn’t light the lamp. Nary a flicker. Never associated the two.
Rather it is transformative powers from the ages…I’ve been labeled witchy or other words like it so I guess if the broom fits, fly it.
Mistress of the Alchemy is mostly about relying on natural and deep-seated spiritual powers to spread love and peace on all who fall in her spell. It’s also about deep-seated orgasms.
No Circe here–I don’t turn guys into pigs. That’s surely a bearer of a sacrament: the all-hallowed bacon.
Instead, I bestow the glow of satisfying love.
What could go wrong here…
But I can put a spell on: C–A–R–L–O–S…
}’;>)
MOTA
David Peattie
December 9, 2010 - 2:07 pm
I’m afraid you overstated the one, sure pick-up line for women to use. In most cases, “Yes” is really unnecessary. If the woman is good looking enough, “Hello” is really all she needs.
MOTU
December 9, 2010 - 4:57 pm
David,
You sir are SO right.
carlos franco
December 10, 2010 - 12:27 pm
dave, preach my brother!
pennie, no thanks, i don’t want any spells put on me. do u have something else u wanna put on me?:)
pennie
December 10, 2010 - 6:26 pm
@ Carlos: “do u have something else u wanna put on me?:)”
Clothing.
carlos franco
December 10, 2010 - 8:53 pm
LOL anything else? mexican face-hat? no? how about we dress u up? ur tough, so for u how about a roman-soldier-helmet?