Eight Easy Steps, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise

December 4, 2010 Martha Thomases 10 Comments

Hanukkah is really early this year.  How early is it?  The holiday started Wednesday night, and is already nearly halfway over.  Since I don’t have any small children in my gift-giving circles, this doesn’t affect me much, except that it means our annual Donut party has to take place when people are still full of turkey from last week.

Also, since I’ve just helped my father move from a four bedroom house (plus den and office and card room) to a two-bedroom condo, I’m not particularly in the mood to shop.  Don’t get me wrong – I love stuff – I just don’t want to think about it right this minute.

Instead, this is what I’d like you to get for me:

8.  World peace.  I mean, what kind of person doesn’t ask for that first?  Also, cures for cancer, HIV, diabetes, heart disease,  poverty yada yada yada.

7.  A direct subway connection from the West Village to the Upper East Side.  The Broadway line goes from the East Village to the Upper West Side.  This would be only fair.

6.  A device that somehow punishes people for making incorrect assertions during political debates, commercials and discussions.  If you’re going to talk about “the President is a Kenyan Muslim” or insist that an income of $250,000 provides no more than a middle-class standard of living, you should get a pie in the face.  Or Death-Rayed.

5. Cooperative fields, barns and vetinary care in major cities, so I can raise cashmere goats, alpacas, merino sheep and/or angora rabbits without all the icky stuff.  However, if you get this for me, I’d like my own dog, please.

4.  Get Disney to make a Dakota North movie so I get paid again.  I see Keira Knightley.

3.  A job.  Please.  For the love of God.

2.  A change in the culture so that instead of skinny young thinks like Angelina Jolie or Olivia Wilde, the new hotness is defined as dumpy, middle-aged Jewish women.

1.  Comfort and joy.  Days that are merry and bright.  Also, better Hanukkah songs.

Media Goddess Martha Thomases has four knitting projects ahead of her for people other than herself, and none of them will be finished in time for the holidays.