I’m RICH BITCH!, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #196
December 3, 2010 Michael Davis 30 Comments
I’ve always said if I ever get really rich I’d tell all my haters to kiss my well formed black ass, well…wait a sec…I already do tell all my haters to kiss my well formed black ass…
I’ve always said if I ever get really rich I’d tell all my haters to kiss my well formed gold plated spinning rims black ass…with the diamond center.
Well pucker up mofos!
Below is the word for word email I received from Gerald Walter! Who, pry tell, is Gerald Walter? He’s just the man who is making it possible for me to spend a few million dollars on cars, gold chains and malt liquor.
Feast your eyes upon my meal ticket bitches!
Good day
We wish to notify you again that you were listed as
a beneficiary to the total sum of $11,300,000.00
(Eleven million Three hundred thousand American dollars)
in the codicil and last testament of the deceased.(Name now withheld since this is our second letter to you).
I contacted you because you bear the surname identity and
therefore can present you as the beneficiary to the
inheritance. I therefore reckoned that you can receive
these funds as you are qualified by your name identity.All the legal papers will be processed in your acceptance.
In your acceptance of this deal,I request that you kindly
forward to me your letter of acceptance; your current
telephone and fax numbers and a forwarding address to
enable us file necessary documents at our high court
probate division for the release of this sum of money
Get back to me through the following contact mail
address: garaldmakulo_xxxx@yahoo.cnYours faithfully,
Gerald Walter.
You see that? I’m RICH BITCH!!!
Forget this small time Michael Davis World bullshit; now that Gerald Walter has made me a millionaire 11 times (and some change) over, prepare yourself for The Michael Davis Universe!
Oh, Gerald Walter thank you so much!!!!
Gerald Walter, Gerald Walter, Gerald Walter…you stupid mother fucking con man.
Gerald, first off I’m pretty sure that’s not your real name, so I’ll just call you Stupid Fuck Face. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it.
Thank you so much for my 11 million dollars!
Here I was wondering where I was going to get the money to jump start my crystal meth habit, speed though Beverly Hills while driving an half a million dollar sports car while drinking a 40oz of Colt 45 while being chased by the Beverly Hills Police…
WHY am I being chased by the Beverly Hills Police?
NOT because I’m on crystal meth and I’m drinking a 40oz of Colt 45 while speeding on Wilshire Blvd. in Beverly Hills shouting; “FUCK THE LAKERS!”
It’s because I’m black.
Duh.
I noticed you withheld the name of the person who died and left me the 11 million dollars. That’s OK. The fact that I know people with that kind of bank but alas they are still alive is really not an issue. I’m sure that I’ve met someone I don’t remember who remembered and liked me so much that they left me 11 million dollars. I mean I am unforgettable.
DUH-I AM Michael Davis.
Perhaps when I met that person who I don’t remember. I was high on crystal meth and we were both drinking Colt 45…from a brown paper bag and that’s why I don’t remember.
Really.
It’s not a stretch to think that my incredible personality can cause someone to write me an 11 million dollar check. Nope, not a stretch at all to think that. I’m also not going to give a second thought to receiving this notice by email instead of a registered letter or bonded currier.
DUH-I AM Michael Davis.
DUH.
A registered letter or bonded courier? Oh Hell no, I feel so much more security having you send me and ‘undisclosed recipients’ a letter in which I’m not addressed by name at all.
NO! The ‘Good day’ you started the email with is good enough for me!
Really.
So, Mr. Fuck Face, when can I expect my check? I do so hope you will deliver it in person. That way I can see your face when I shove it so far up your ass your scream will travel back in time and kill your mother.
How’s that for a forwarding address?
Doug Abramson
December 3, 2010 - 2:04 am
MOTU, they wouldn’t stop you because you’re black. They’d stop you for drinking a Colt 45 in Beverly Hills, too “urban”. They just don’t understand that Billy Dee made it cool. Now, they’ll SHOOT you because you’re black, but that’s another bottle of malt altogether.
Martha Thomases
December 3, 2010 - 7:34 am
If you think $11 million is rich, you haven’t been living in LA long enough.
Shane Kelly
December 3, 2010 - 8:55 am
I don’t know how to break this to you Michael, buuuuuuuut Mr. Walter reached out to me as well recently, with a similar proposition. So, we may have to split the difference.
Vinnie Bartilucci
December 3, 2010 - 10:27 am
I recall a story where someone who got a similar letter actually wrote back, claiming to be a pastor of a church, anxious to start the transaction. Small problem – the bank wants a small processing fee to start the transfer. He asked the con man to send him the money to initiate the transfer.
The guy did.
So nice to know stupidity and greed can be on both sides of the line.
MOTU
December 3, 2010 - 10:45 am
Martha,
11 million dollars is more than enough to fuel any stupid thing that a guy like ‘Gerald Walter’ would expect from someone stupid enough to fall for this con…
…and buy some Colt 45, it’s downright, upright!
MOTU
December 3, 2010 - 10:47 am
Doug,
I do believe you are correct sir, join me in a brew?
MOTU
December 3, 2010 - 10:52 am
Shane,
Don’t worry about that, I’m sure I know someone who will send me another 11 million dollar email, after all it’s Christmas.
MOTU
December 3, 2010 - 10:54 am
Vinnie,
I LOVE the stuff you always find out!
McCarthy
December 3, 2010 - 11:19 am
Coincidentally, I was recently contacted by an attorney representing a Nigerian Prince requesting my help in accessing a dormant account in a bank in Abuja. My cut? $12M.USD minus my relatively modest $100,000 investment to help secure the monies. The attorney’s name? Walter Gerald, Esq.
Colt 45’s for EVERYONE! “It works every time.”
MOTU
December 3, 2010 - 11:28 am
McCarthy,
Dear Walter does get around, just like his mother.
Reg
December 3, 2010 - 12:28 pm
McCarthy,
Yes…yes…I believe that Billy Dee would agree with you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pK5HmuCMBM&feature=related
“A Completely Unique Experience!”
Unlike it seems, encounters with Mr. Gerald…or Walter.
Mike Gold
December 3, 2010 - 12:35 pm
Several years ago I got a call from an outraged lawyer buddy I’d known for decades. A very smart guy, highly rated as a lawyer, blah blah blah. He had just received his first Nigerian prince email. He thought it was so outrageous and so blatant that it just might possibly be true. I told him I’d received enough Nigerian hustle emails in the previous several years to keep AOL alive and healthy. He remained oddly overwhelmed.
A couple months later, said lawyer introduced me to Ron Perlman, who was filming the first season of Sons of Anarchy. Perlman briefly told me about the series, which is now among my favorites. Then I asked him if he ever got emails from Nigerian princes. Perlman responded “yeah, anybody stupid enough to believe that crap deserves to lose his cash.” My lawyer buddy shit a brick, right there on the spot. That’s the definition of “too smart for your own good.” But to the best of my knowledge, he didn’t buy in.
At least that’s what HE says.
Vinnie Bartilucci
December 3, 2010 - 2:10 pm
Perlman responded “yeah, anybody stupid enough to believe that crap deserves to lose his cash.”
Can we just all pause and “Marvel” in the irony of this statement?
Vinnie Bartilucci
December 3, 2010 - 2:13 pm
Yeah, that would have been funnier if we were talking about the same Perlman…
Mike Gold
December 3, 2010 - 3:59 pm
It WAS funny, Vinnie, but in only to the chorus. We’ve got a lot of singers here.
Then again, it would be even MORE funny if the Revlon Kid played the part in Sons of Anarchy.
MOTU
December 3, 2010 - 8:35 pm
Mike,
You want to talk about Marvel and funny? Remember when they brought a distributor? THAT was HO-LAR-RI-OUS.
Yes, I meant to spell it that way, I’m about to have 11 million dollars in the bank so screw my spelling! The alphabet is racially bias anyway…
MOTU
December 3, 2010 - 8:39 pm
True story, I saw a guy get scammed on the street by a guy who TOLD him he was a con artist.
THAT’S a freakin con artist and THAT’S an idiot who fell for it.
MOTU
December 3, 2010 - 8:40 pm
…I was very young then…
Mike Gold
December 3, 2010 - 9:06 pm
MOTU, I do remember when Marvel bought a distributor. I also remember when Marvel introduced a black Bucky. One of my favorite moments in comics. Turned out it was a white guy in blackface.
Hey, speaking of blackface, you do think the Joker’s really black?
carlos franco
December 3, 2010 - 9:55 pm
michael if all you want is 11 million dollars you should come work for me.
carlos franco
December 3, 2010 - 9:56 pm
seriously
Jillypoo
December 3, 2010 - 10:39 pm
Damn, I was gonna ask you for some $$$ and then I read the rest of this article. Sigh.. so much for the lipo.
Shane Kelly
December 4, 2010 - 12:21 am
Mike wrote: “Hey, speaking of blackface, you do think the Joker’s really black?”
It is so funny that you mentioned that Mike. I have contended for many years that exact idea would have been one of the best things the Batman film franchise could have done in bringing back the Joker to the silver screen (this was well before the Nolan films).
Seriously, the idea that a black man (in my vision, the role went to Chris Tucker) winds up in the Red Hood (ala the Killing Joke) and taking a chemical bath that bleaches his skin albino white. Just the thought of what a potential mindf@*# that would be to him and how that helps to push him over the deep end, the irony of which falls right in line with the twisted humor/sensibilities of the Joker.
MOTU
December 4, 2010 - 3:20 am
Carlos,
Here’s my favorite all time movie line from Citizen Kane, “Making money is easy if all you want to do is make money.”
Seriously.
Also remember what I told the class all those years ago, it’s not how much money you have, it’s how much money you control.
Seriously.
Now leave me alone so I finish my Colt 45.
John Tebbel
December 4, 2010 - 7:03 am
Bernstein: Have you tried to see anybody except Suzie?
Reporter: I haven’t seen anybody else. I’ve been through that stuff of Walter Thatcher’s. That journal of his.
Bernstein: Thatcher! That man was the biggest darn fool I ever met.
Reporter: Made an awful lot of money.
Bernstein: Well, it’s no trick to make a lot of money; [beat] if all you want [longer beat] is to make a lot of money. You take Mr. Kane; it wan’t money he wanted.
Mike Gold
December 4, 2010 - 8:03 am
Yeah, great scene in a movie that really is as good as its rep.
But here’s a better line:
“So, Mr. Fuck Face, when can I expect my check?” MOTU, Straight No Chaser, #196.
John Tebbel
December 4, 2010 - 8:33 am
Yeah it’s a great scene. Bernstein delivers the start of the “money” line crossing upstage to a ticker tape machine, with his back to the camera, but everyone remembers that line.
MOTU
December 4, 2010 - 3:08 pm
Mike, John-
I could watch that movie all day long.
Whitney
December 5, 2010 - 5:34 am
Truth: We used to have a neon Colt 45 sign with Billy Dee at the club. It lasted about three weeks before someone stole it.
Reg
December 5, 2010 - 10:39 pm
Whitney…The thief or thieves apparently didn’t want to take any chances.
😛