Friday at Bernie’s, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #106

December 14, 2010 Arthur Tebbel 5 Comments

Dear Art,

I’m sure you’ve heard by now of my marathon speech this week.  To protest the tax cut deal reached by President Obama and republican leaders I took to the floor and gave an 8 hour and 37 minute presentation on why I thought that we could not continue to hold down the tax rate for the top one percent of incomes and for large estates.  While this did nothing to actually stop the vote I hope it made people look at the issue more closely.  That said, I’m not a young man anymore, what should I be doing to make sure my body can handle these long speeches up at that podium?

-Bernie Sanders, US Senator (I. – VT)

Bernie,

I’m glad you came to me with this.  I’m pretty much an expert on matters of physical fitness.  At least those matters that don’t involve running or agility.  I’m a pretty terrible fielder in baseball.  I only got through one year of high school football before my body crapped out on me.  I’ve driven distances of less than three blocks.  My dorm room was set up so I could feed myself and do most schoolwork without leaving my bed.  Still, I’m pretty much a fitness guru and I’m glad you came to me.

Always be sure to stretch.  Flexibility is important and you need to get your muscles ready to move.  In this case I would say you need to make sure to stretch all the muscles in your legs if you’re going to be standing for so long.  I would think making sure your shoulders and arms are loose so you can point to all of your visual aids.  Last but certainly not least you should be sure to stretch the muscles in your back.  Not only do they need to keep your upper body stable and upright but they have to support your giant balls for attempting something like this.

It was quite inspiring to watch you as you soldiered through that titanic speech.  While the actual cloture vote ended up being rather lopsided in the other direction it was uplifting to see someone actually explain why it was such a terrible idea.  Your words fact-checked as true, all eight hours of them.  While the president was giving away the store on one of the most important issues of our time you were there explaining why it was such a terrible idea.  I hope if this made you no friends over at the White House it at least pointed to some disillusioned progressives where they should be sending campaign contributions.  I have a feeling they’ll be saving a lot of money in the next few campaign seasons.