Star of Bethlehem, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #105

December 7, 2010 Arthur Tebbel 0 Comments

Dear Art,

I seem to have run into a problem.  I am trying to replace the House Speaker here in Texas.  That isn’t the problem, changes like that happen all the time.  I’m trying to replace the incumbent Joe Strauss, a Jewish Republican, with Ken Paxton, a Christian Republican.  My position is that people voted for a Christian conservative majority so that should be helmed by a Christian.  People are making a big deal because Strauss and Paxton look identical from a policy standpoint.  I’ve already gone on the record saying that some of my best friends are Jewish.  What else can I do?

-John Cook, Texas Republican Executive Committee

John,

Oy Vey.  And During Hanukkah no less?  One of the ten most sacred holidays in the Jewish faith (probably).  You really don’t need this.  You guys need the coverage of Judeo-Christian values to hide all the hateful shit you guys are secretly all about.  Without the Judeo in there you just come across as creepy missionaries.  The way things are going you could probably get away with Islamo-Christian values, I hear they don’t like the Jews either.  You might have to let them build mosques though.  That seems to be a deal breaker with your constituency.

It’s pretty strange you pulled the “some of my best friends” card.  Anytime someone says, “some of my best friends are <blank>” it usually means they hate whatever is in that blank.  Do they not have clichés in Texas?  You did cite two Jewish friends and then added that Jesus was Jewish and that he was your favorite person to ever live.  Said more plainly your favorite Jew is one that’s been dead for two thousand years.  I don’t think that really helps your cause.  Maybe after he’s dead Rep. Strauss can have a building named after him.

I understand your concern.  Jews, as a group, tend to lean toward the liberal side.  You never know when Strauss could reveal that he’s secretly a liberal Jew and then Texas could spiral into some sort of gay-marrying aborted-fetus-littered shit hole.  This would be a huge step down from just being a shit hole like it is now.  You don’t want to get some bait and switch Jew.  Everyone knows that every Christian thinks exactly like you and always will forever.

Maybe you’re right.  Maybe this is what people voted for.  The people of Texas might be uncomfortable having someone from another branch of desert-monotheism running their legislature.  Go make a solid gesture to the Jewish community; something that shows you don’t really hate them.  Remember not to suggest they all move back to Israel.  Lastly, make sure your house is paid down, you never know.