Child is Father to the Man, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise
April 23, 2011 Martha Thomases 13 Comments
This hasn’t been much of a week for me to read the newspaper. My son is visiting, and that makes any extra-familial news seem less important. Of course, I still totally want to end the wars in the Middle East and Africa, stop the radiation leakage in Japan, and smack the pundits on television who only care about who “wins” in our political discourse (not who most improves the way people live), but, even more, I want to go to the park and play on the swings.
My son is 26 years old. Even if he wanted to go to the park and play on the swings, he wouldn’t need me to push him.
I have a lot of trouble feeling comfortable in the way I talk to my kid. Don’t get me wrong: He’s fantastic. However, with every fiber of my being, I want to run his life. I want to tell him what to do. I want him to listen to me.
He’s a good kid, and he does listen to me. He does not obey me. However, since I have no real experience with his goals and ambitions, I’m aware that my advice is useless. He would be a fool to actually do what I suggest.
There was a time when this was not the case. There was a time when I could tell him that, if he tried the sugar-snap peas at the Green Market, he might like them. I could tell him that Alan Moore is a fantastic writer, and he would read him. I could tell him not to pet a doggie, no matter how nice it looks, without asking the owner, and I could keep him from getting bit.
But I have no clue how to be a 26 year old in this century, in this economy. If I knew how to get a job, I’d have one myself.
And I remember – painfully – how I felt when my parents gave me advice at that age, when they didn’t know what it took to get hired or meet people at that time. Not only did I hate them sticking their noses into my own personal business, but I felt like I was disappointing them. I don’t want to do that to my boy.
Did they want to do that to me? Probably not.
Were they as excited by my visits as I am by my son’s? Maybe, but they never said so.
I’m saying so.
Once one has experienced the complete adoration that a young child offers a parent, it can be difficult to go without it. Maybe that’s why parents persist in giving advice to their kids, even when it’s neither apt nor appropriate. That’s why I volunteer with kids once a week, so I can get some of that back.
Which brings me to the point of this column. One of my kids, a girl, is in really bad shape. She seems to feel okay, but I’m told her cancer is quite advanced, and her parents have already signed a DNR (“Do Not Resuscitate”) order. And she’s ten.
If you believe in prayer, pray for her. If you don’t, send good thoughts. It can’t hurt, and it might help.
Media Goddess Martha Thomases still enjoys going to the comic book store with her boy, as she has since he was 18 months old.
pennie
April 23, 2011 - 3:54 pm
Martha (Self-aware Mother of the Millennium): we should all be so lucky to have you for a mother.
Arthur scored big time.
You can’t help being a mother (especially at this late date) and you can’t help being you (la meme chose). Not a bad thing at all.
I’m not all that experienced at praying but I will do my best for your ten-year-old girl. That’s just heartbreaking.
Your humanity in the face of both the mundane and extreme is one of your most amazing and endearing traits.
Maudlin, this? Not so much.
Martha Thomases
April 23, 2011 - 5:26 pm
There is no doubt in my mind that I’m as annoying as the next mom. At the same time, I do pay for the movie tickets.
Reg
April 23, 2011 - 9:10 pm
Martha, good parents will always be good parents…and kids so blessed with them will eventually come to appreciate their wisdom and sacrifices. Your son is most fortunate. As are the rest of your ‘kids’.
I, for one, certainly do believe in the power of prayer. And I am and shall lift up your charge in the sincere hope for a miracle. If you feel comfortable and if her first name is not singularly unusual, would you mind sharing it?
Doug Abramson
April 24, 2011 - 4:48 am
A 10 year old needs a DNR? A child should never get so sick and parents should never have to make such decisions! Martha, my thoughts go out to your young friend, her family and you.
Martha Thomases
April 24, 2011 - 6:58 am
@Reg: I can’t tell you her name because it is unusual, and I don’t want to violate her privacy. But it starts with an R, so you can call her Rosie and any deity worth praying to will know it’s her.
Thanks, sweetie.
MOTU
April 24, 2011 - 1:19 pm
But I have no clue how to be a 26 year old in this century.’
No one born in the 50?s 60?s or 70?s knows. I remember a commercial when I was a kid. In the Ad Abraham Lincoln was interviewing for a job. The slob conducting the interview told him since he did not finish ‘school’ then there was no job for him. The commercial was a public service Ad that promoted hiring people who had experience and talent but no degree.
In other words it’s not where you went to school it’s what you know.
This commercial was before background and credit checks were common place after your job interview. If Abe could not get hired THEN-NOW he would be homeless.
Gone are the days when you could get a shot based on sheer talent and drive. If you don’t have the degree most companies will not even interview you.
Period.
I’ve written and/or produced TV shows and books, ran divisions at major companies, written curriculums and created reading programs for private and public schools. I’ve lectured all over the world and I have no degree that says I should be doing ANY of that. My degree’s are in art. An art degree gives you NO pull running, writing, producing anything except something art related and even then it’s a long shot.
Everything I’ve been able to do is because I figured out how to do it or found someone to give me an ‘in.’ In a few years I’m confident I will have the resume to support running a studio which is my ultimate goal. Hey-go big or go home.
Denys Cowan has a goggle alert for his name. Well-Denys spells his name a unique way so he gets alerts that 99% are about HIM.
My name is Michael Davis when I tried that all I get is a slew of hits of Michael Davis’ that are 100% NOT ME. In fact most of those Michael Davis’ have committed some kind of crime.
Credit checks, background checks and the like now have just as much if not MORE pull in a decision to hire you as your resume and references.
The problem with the ‘checks’ is you can’t explain why you were arrested when you were 12 or why City Bank tried to have you killed. Don’t think the people reviewing your file are smart enough to figure out these may be mistakes. I was once pulled over and the cops ran my name. The told me they were taking my car because I was driving on a suspended license and had been for 20 years. I told them it wasn’t me and they said it WAS me. I told them 20 years ago I was 8 and I was.
They still took my car.
I still hire people based on what they know and my sure fire method question-would they be fun to hang out with at Christmas?
Martha Thomases
April 24, 2011 - 2:16 pm
That’s more like it.
Howard Cruse
April 24, 2011 - 3:22 pm
As a teenager and young adult I became an expert at politely tuning out my mom’s advice when it became seriously annoying. But my gratitude only grew over the years for my good fortune in having a mom whose love and concern never faltered over the years and whose counsel was intelligent and worth considering even when, upon consideration, I chose not to follow it.
My sense is that Art knows he fared well in the parents department.
pennie
April 24, 2011 - 4:10 pm
MOTU, Because you remain in touch with basic human values–often rare for one blessed with the talent and success you have achieved–you can separate substance from stats. You understand people and the creative process–facets of life that have little to do with a cookie cutter approach.
Like you, I’ve often created my own jobs that often have little to do with the original vocational posting. “They” may have hired me with one thing in mind, but I’m apt to run with it, mold the opportunity into my own creation, and most often pleasantly surprise my employers.
This recent standardization of credit checks bodes poorly for those who were thrown into this country’s economic death grip. Layoffs, downsizing, newly graduated, mortgage hysteria, big bank credit line revaluation…wrecking havoc with formerly decent scores—how does that indicate a human being’s real worth? Does a really credit score measure imagination, intelligence, or integrity?
I love and subscribe to your coda: “I still hire people based on what they know and my sure fire method question-would they be fun to hang out with at Christmas?”
MOTU
April 24, 2011 - 5:28 pm
Ah Pennie,
You get me! You really get me!!!
Sally Motu Fields
pennie
April 25, 2011 - 3:46 pm
MOTU, If Sally Fields was the Flying Nun, the you are the Flying(MOTU)–Much– more– than– None…
Reg
April 26, 2011 - 1:07 pm
Michael, I spend Christmases making my grandmama’s homemade yeast rolls. Warm butter, honey and hot rolls…what’s more fun than that?
Whitney
April 27, 2011 - 12:10 pm
Momma Martha –
I’m praying, Dear.