Tea Bagger Burlesque, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #219

April 25, 2011 Mike Gold 17 Comments

The Ugly Stripper: Our dear friend Arizona Republican Senator Jon Kyl recently said “If you want an abortion you go to Planned Parenthood and that’s well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does.” When it was proven to Senator Kyl he was actually off by at least 87 percentage points, his staff issued my favorite walk-back of the 21st Century: “His remark was not intended to be a factual statement.” Awesome.

The Slapstick Comedians: Five Republican lawmakers in the Iowa House have introduced resolutions to impeach the state Supreme Court justices who ruled in favor of same-sex marriage two years ago. It was a unanimous decision on the part of the Court, seven for seven. Four justices presently remain on the bench, and three of these four have since successfully stood for re-election; the fourth was still in-term. The hate-filled American Family Association, the equally bigoted Family Research Council and the insanely named National Organization for Marriage lent their support to these measures, which were built around the concept that the justices “knowingly and intentionally usurped the proper function delegated solely and exclusively to the legislative.” These haters are either totally misinformed as to the role of these courts, or they are simply another group of Tea Bagger liars.

The Plain But Talented Stripper: Minnesota Republican State House Speaker Kurt Zellers said voting “is a privilege, it’s not a right.” After he babbled that bit of nonsense, somebody must have sent this fool a copy of the U.S. Constitution, doubtlessly annotated with twenty-seven eight-by-ten color glossy pictures with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining why he was totally full of shit. Confronted with such evidence, Zellers recanted.

The Rim-Shot Comics: According to conservative hate-mongers David Barton and Randy Thomasson, our nation’s children are getting a “homosexual indoctrination.” They were particularly upset about the April 15th Day Of Silence, an event that was held in opposition to gay bashing that routinely occurs in schools. These people, along with our dear friends at the so-called American Family Association, stated the Day of Silence was “another day of brainwashing for children.” They call the Day of Silence an act of intolerance. Yes, according to these lovely god-fearing morons, taking a stand against gay bashing and the violence and sometimes death that accompanies it is an act of intolerance. They talk about god a lot as well; I assume “thou shalt hurl stones at homosexuals” was on that missing third tablet of commandments these dangerously obscene people seem to possess.

The Attractive But Unfulfilling Stripper: Last week, Republicans voted to end Medicare. Amusingly, 70% of Tea Baggers polled (stop giggling, this is a maturish discussion) said they support Medicare. In fact, 80% of Americans support Medicare. We’ve paid into it all our lives, it works fine, and those who aren’t already on Medicare are owed it.

The Featured Performer: Arizona Republican Governor Jan Brewer vetoed a bill mandating proof of U.S. citizenship to run for president, as well as a bill that would have allowed guns on college campuses. Taking on the NRA completely ruins her chances for advancement within the Republican Tea Bagger movement, negating her momentum as a Mexican hater. However, Louisiana’s own state weasel, Tea Bagger suck-up Governor Bobby Jindal, immediately ran out and endorsed his state’s Birther Bill and committed himself to signing it should it pass. This actually puts him at odds with fellow Republican lunatics Michele Bachmann, Karl Rove, Eric Cantor, and Tim Pawlenty. Bucking these celebrities of the hard-right takes an enormous lack of political savvy, as well as a near-Hitlerian level of hatred.

Curtain: I appreciate that some Republicans and a few Tea Baggers do not support these travesties. Obviously, their leadership does. Not unilaterally on every issue: the days of the Republican conga line appear to be behind us. But as long as they continue to put these positions out in public, the Republicans are going to accomplish the impossible: they are going to lose to Barack Obama next year.

Hedgehog trader, anarcho-syndicalist and www.ComicMix.com editor-in-Chief Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking bizarro music and blather radio show on The Point, www.getthepointradio.com, every Sunday at 7:00 PM Eastern, replayed three times during the week (check the website above for times). Likewise, his Weird Scenes Inside The Gold Mind political and cultural rants pop up each and every day at the same venue.