My Birthday, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #216
April 29, 2011 Michael Davis 29 Comments
Michael Davis in home Circa 1980
Today’s my birthday.
I’m 30 years old today.
What Jean?
Like I said I’m 21 years old.
As I sit here on my Unicorn watching the sun come up over my vast estate on the English countryside I’m wondering just what kind of day my 20th birthday will bring me?
It’s not everyday I turn 16 and I want to make the most of it. What shall I do on my 25th birthday?
I know!
I’ll use my vast power to travel back in time to 1961!
I’ll plant a false newspaper story announcing the birth of a child who will one day become President. I’ll have to be very slick and make sure that the lie is foolproof!
I’ll have to pick a child in 1961 whom will be given all the perks and privileges that will insure his raise to power.
WHAT kind of young child in 1961 could I choose who would not draw attention to himself while he grows up during the Civil Rights Movement? What kind of child would be given all the perks and privileges of a chosen child and would be a shoe in for the Presidency in say 2008??
What kind of child would it make sense to plant a lie about in 1961 that would pass muster during the racial strife of the early 60’s?
I know!!
A BLACK CHILD!
Now, I need a name that will blend into the American mainstream and not draw any undue scrutiny like John Smith.
I know!!!
Barack Hussein Obama!
Now I need a racist rich asshole that will attack first his birth, then his schooling and question his intelligence.
I Know!!!!
The Donald!
This is the genius of my plan! I’ll have ‘The Donald’ ask to see Obama’s ‘papers.’
Rich white men man have been asking for hundreds of years to see the papers of black men.
“Show me your freedom papers boy.”
“Show me your papers that says you can vote coon.”
“Show me you were born here Nigger.”
“Show me your school records Jungle Bunny because I don’t think you nearly as smart as a white man.”
Yes, this is what I want for my birthday!
A rich racist who loves his country so much he marries anything BUT American women and will continue to embarrass himself and his party so that Barack Hussein Obama can crush whatever GOP asswipe opposes him in 2011.
Americans are simply NOT as stupid as The Donald thinks they are.
Now the sun is up here at my English Estate. I sit here on my Unicorn being fed grapes from my Asian Nymphs marveling at my foolproof time travel plan!
To The Donald I say-Obama is now and in the future the HNIC.
Get used to it.
What, pry tell, IS the HNIC, Donald?
That’s Head Nigger In Charge you comb over bastard.
Ah yes, this will be a glorious 18th birthday indeed!
Martha Thomases
April 29, 2011 - 4:08 am
Happy birthday, sweetie. It’s a shame you’re so young, you’ll never get to use that Medicare you paid into.
Vinnie Bartilucci
April 29, 2011 - 4:54 am
You had me buying it until you said:
“Americans are simply NOT as stupid as The Donald thinks they are.”
That was when the reality of the narrative collapsed for me. Because they totally are. Trump has been on television for decades now, and so many people take their telkevision’s advice, and the assumption that if he’s been on TV that long, he MUST know what he’s talking about. We listen to ANY celebrities like they have some actual knowledge on the topic they’re addressing. Don’t get me started on how many people have died from measles since Jenny McCarthy started convincing people to skip the vaccines.
Obama’s handling of the reveal was glorious. From his snippy comments at the press conference, to the White House Blog entry that could easily be translated as “STFU”, right down to the letter to the Birth Certificate department in Hawaii which basically said “Look, YOU know and I know the short form is legal, but THEY don’t, so just gimme the goddamn long form one so we can shut them up, okay?”
He should not have had to. The documentation provided was enough to pass muster for the primaries, the election, and two years in between. And if he’d had a higher approval rating, and people were more satisfied with what he and his party had done to date, it might not have had the staying power it had. But like Bartilucci’s Inverse to David’s Law states, if people aren’t happy with the outcome of a story, they will latch onto any inconsistency they can to make the story Not Have Really Happened.
I drive to Harrisburg to work every day, about 85 miles. And at about the halfway point there’s this bilboard reading “WHERE’S THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE?” The billboards are sponsored by a website called World Net Daily. After Tuesday, I looked for the billboard as I drove. Couldn’t see it. I probably just missed it, as usually billboards don’t get taken down that fast, but it was a nice feeling.
Alas, that doesn’t mean the website has given up.
http://www.wnd.com/
Pretty much proves what’s was being said all along. There are folks who won’t let go. It’s the point Obama made all along-no amount of proof will be enough for them.
In fairness, the majority of folks will see the Long Form and think “Well, okay, there you go, that’s the end of it”. But they’ll be perfectly willing to start saying, “Yeah, he DOES have a point, how DID he get into Harvard?”
Same way everyone else does – he got turned down by Yale and they snapped him up.
Oh, and it’s still not cause he’s black.
Mostly.
OK, yeah, maybe it is…
Doug Abramson
April 29, 2011 - 5:36 am
MOTU…are you really Skynet?
Doug Abramson
April 29, 2011 - 5:39 am
I not only want to see The Douche’s birth certificate, I want to see one for that mutant Tribble on his head.
Reg
April 29, 2011 - 10:28 am
“A DAY that will live in Fameony.” *
Happy Happy Burfday, Oh Great and Powerful mOTu!!
* With apologies to FDR
McCarthy
April 29, 2011 - 10:38 am
“Have you seen my child-hooood?”
MOTU
April 29, 2011 - 12:13 pm
Vinnie,
How DARE you ruin my 14th birthday by making sense! A POX on you on my 33rd birthday!
MOTU
April 29, 2011 - 12:17 pm
Doug,
The Donald said if Obama released his birth certificate then he (The Donald) would release his net worth.
I’m going to do it for him right here on my 26th birthday-The Donald Ain’t worth shit.
MOTU
April 29, 2011 - 12:18 pm
Reg,
Thanks…I think.;-)
MOTU
April 29, 2011 - 12:20 pm
Kevin,
If I were old enough to drink I’d toast your choice in song!
Mike Gold
April 29, 2011 - 1:16 pm
Nice wheels, MOTU. A step up from what you usually drive. What did you do with that kid in the picture?
Vinnie’s right on the money. Bill Maher’s been saying this for a couple years now, and he stood by that outrageous claim until it became obvious to even Ray Charles (you know, the blind guy who’s dead) that he, and now Vinnie, is totally right. Just look at today’s ratings for the Royal Pain In The Ass.
MOTU
April 29, 2011 - 1:59 pm
Mike,
You guys are right.
I should have written, I HOPE Americans are simply NOT as stupid as The Donald thinks they are.
But I’m only 15 give me a break.
carlos franco
April 29, 2011 - 2:03 pm
Happy birthday michael davis stymey!!!
Jeremiah Avery
April 29, 2011 - 2:05 pm
MOTU, you’ve finally obtained your time machine? May I borrow it?
Maybe Trump has read the quote my H.L. Mencken: “Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public.”
MOTU
April 29, 2011 - 2:56 pm
Jeremiah,
GOOD point!
Now that I’m in my early 20’s I understand what that means.
MOTU
April 29, 2011 - 2:56 pm
What?
Dorian Gray
April 29, 2011 - 2:57 pm
I want my painting back!!
MOTU
April 29, 2011 - 2:58 pm
As soon as you return the hat!
Steven Atkins
April 29, 2011 - 5:02 pm
Happy Birthday!
Now some (hopefully) amusing stuff.
Two things:
1 – “Jungle Bunny”…Why did you avoid “Jiggaboo” or “Tar-Baby”? I know “Jiggaboo” is silly (like all racial slurs are), but “Tar-Baby” actually got a Disney movie put into the vault and LEFT THERE. Why pass on that kinda power?
Note: Not trying to be offensive. Just haven’t heard the term “Jungle Bunny” since that Richard Pryor/Chevy Chase skit.
2 – “HNIC”…How did you know I recently watched LEAN ON ME again?
BTW, I met Joe Clark when I was young. He was VERY cool. Still carried the megaphone, too.
I hope you get that Captain Action doll that you always wanted. 🙂
MOTU
April 29, 2011 - 5:05 pm
Steven,
Ahhhhhhh Captain Action.
MOTU
April 29, 2011 - 5:06 pm
WAIT A SEC!!!
It’s not a doll it’s an ACTION FIGURE!!!!!!
Mike Gold
April 30, 2011 - 7:29 am
You know, “jungle bunny” can be perceived as a very powerful and very outrageous being. Yeah, I know, but think about it. Think about a comic book by Jack Kirby called Jungle Bunny (and, damn, I think Jack came close to that a couple of times). If you were an evil-doer, would you want to take on the mighty Jungle Bunny?
Jiggaboo is a bit tougher because it sounds like something from Lewis Carroll. And Tar Baby (trademark and copyright Disney Productions, All Rights Reserved) has been replaced by Mud People. And the Mud People guys starred in the second Flash Gordon serial, before they opened a punk rock club in Manhattan.
Yes, I was listening to the Beatles’ “For the benefit of Mr. Kike” while writing this.
carlos franco
April 30, 2011 - 1:44 pm
LOL mr. Gold! as usual:)
what evil doer will take on the mighty jungle bunny? the caucus mountaineers with thier bullet whippers!!
bullet beats spear.
if not then there would be bunches of RED whites n poor, in Zimbabwa, fighting for the right to kill lions, to:)
Whitney
April 30, 2011 - 3:31 pm
MOTU –
Only 18? What a shame…that means you can’t be fetted in my gin joint.
We’ll do the Electric Slide in your honor and tell you all about it.
xoxo…w
pennie
April 30, 2011 - 4:52 pm
MOTU, Happy Birthday Baby!
When you reach adulthood, maybe we can catch a drink sometime and tap glasses. Of course, I’ll need mine back to see clearly now. Or not…
MOTU
April 30, 2011 - 7:51 pm
Whitney,
It’s not like you have not contributed to the delinquency of minors before!
MOTU
April 30, 2011 - 7:52 pm
Pennie,
Fot you, I’ll time travel to the future where I’m legal! 😉
Marc Fishman
May 1, 2011 - 10:04 am
Happy Birthday from the Fishmans! Given that I’ll be 30 at the end of this year, I’m glad knowing the black Benjamin Button!
Steve Atkins
May 1, 2011 - 4:42 pm
@ Mike Gold –
I thought the Mud People were the villains in some Lost In Space episode.
I DO remember that they had a “Great Vegatable Rebellion.”
That one was actually physically painful.
Seriously, though…”Kike?” Where did THAT term come from?