Girls in Their Summer Clothes, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise

June 4, 2011 Martha Thomases 7 Comments

While it was still May, New York had an entire week of days in the mid- to high 80s, with swamp-like humidity.  And, while i know this is better than tornados that kill hundreds of people and destroy thousands of homes, it is a situation that is happening to me, and that makes it important.

Lots of cities are miserable in the summer.  Philadelphia, DC, Miami – all steam.  If you’re a kid, this is delightful.  You can go to the beach, or a swimming pool, or run through the sprinklers.

If you aren’t a kid, it’s more complicated.  If you have a job, you are expected to come to work looking professional.  For a woman, this means you can’t wear a bathing suit and cover-up, but more likely a suit or a dress.  After being covered up all winter, now you have to shave.  If you’re a man, you have to wear a suit, or at least pants that come down to your ankles, plus a shirt with some kind of sleeve.

At the same time, if you have a job, you most likely have air-conditioning, and it is also most likely freezing in your office.  You need to dress in layers to survive all the indoors-and-outdoors of your commute, your workday, and your breaks.

All of this gets escalated in New York, and not just because I’m here.  This is the fashion capital of the United States.  Seventh Avenue designers, major department stores, modeling agencies and fashion magazines have staff here, and expect them to look stylish.  That ups the ante for the rest of us.

If you’re a young woman with a great body, you love this time of year.  You can show off and still look pulled together. A little skirt and a tank-top, maybe a scarf around your neck, and you look great.  A sundress from a vintage store?  Fabulous!

For those of us older than 40 who aren’t Goldie Hawn, it’s more complicated.  The jeans I wear in the winter (which are tight enough to hold my stomach in, but have enough stretch to allow me to continue breathing) are too hot.  Baggier pants not only look sloppier, but also make me look even more lumpy.  A little skirt and a tank top do no favors to my wide, flat saggy Jewish ass and my untoned arms, and I’m too prone to sweats all year round to wear a scarf when I don’t need one.  Vintage sundresses, at least at the decent vintage stores, are not available in my size.

There is one good thing about not having a day job, and that is that I don’t have to look professional.  And that means I can wear big dresses that don’t touch my body at all.  It’s like a parasol for my whole body.  I look like a sack of potatoes, but I’m not sweating like a sausage, and my personal parts are covered.  Not that I’m all that shy, but, well, see above about my Jewish ass.  I fear graffiti.

In reality, no one is looking at me.  If they are, it’s only to appraise the customs of the locals, and check if they are dressed appropriately.  I know this because I barely notice what anyone else is wearing unless that person looks spectacularly good or bad.  Women my age are invisible.

That’s okay.  We’re plotting.

Martha Thomases, Media Goddess, doesn’t get to wear as many sweaters in the summer.