Leave That Coke Alone, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise

October 1, 2011 Martha Thomases 23 Comments

In a recent interview with the Financial Times, Coca-Cola CEO Muhtar Kent said that the United States was less friendly to businesses than China.  According to him, the conditions in the world’s largest Communist country are preferable to those here.  Specifically, he cites their tax policy.

Let him move there.

For most of my life, I’ve had an addiction to Coca-Cola – specifically to Diet Coke (and, before that, Tab).  A few years ago, I managed to wean myself to flavored seltzers, so I’m not getting the caffeine fix.  I use the word “addiction” deliberately, because nothing would satisfy my thirst (or whatever word accurately describes that need) except that one specific product.  Forget Diet Pepsi.  Too minty.  Seven-Up, Sprite, Dr. Pepper – nothing else hit the spot.

It’s not surprising that I was hooked.  Caffeine is highly addictive (just ask me on a day when I missed my morning cup of coffee).  Cocaine, formerly an ingredient in Coke, is also addictive, and it makes sense that, when the law required them to change the formula, they’d look for something that worked the same way.  And sugar, especially high-fructose corn syrup, also delivers a buzz.

So when a man who makes his living peddling an addictive substance, one that serves no nutritional purpose, tells me he’s happier in China, I’m not surprised.  China has a totalitarian government, and whatever passes for a department of consumer affairs in their country lacks the teeth of ours.  Because of these more pro-business standards, they’ve killed people, including children and people with teeth.  They’ve even killed our pets.  These are those anti-business regulations that conservatives are so quick to oppose.

Maybe the taxes are lower in China.  You get what you pay for.

At the moment, I’m not so excited about using my tax dollars to support Coca Cola.  As Elizabeth Warren so eloquently put it, my tax dollars pay for the roads that allow Mr. Kant to deliver his addictive substances to stores.  My schools taught his drivers how to read traffic signs and follow a map (and, probably, how to drive).  The public airwaves allow him to pimp out his product to the largest possible audience.  

Can you imagine if a progressive person said something like, “Europe provides a much more supportive environment for labor?”  Or even if he said something about a Republican candidate to a spouse that may or may not have been a private joke?  You’d see letters in the newspaper for years, demanding the person leave.

I’d say let’s start a boycott, but I don’t use any Coke products anymore.  Minute Maid is crap.  New York City tap water is superior to any of their brands (and paid for with my tax dollars).  If you consume any of these products, I beg you to reconsider.  

Media Goddess Martha Thomases wanted to use Allan Sherman’s “Seltzer Boy” for the title of this column, but decided it was too obscure.