Adding to the Blacklist, by Arthur Tebbel – Pop Art #160

December 27, 2011 Arthur Tebbel 0 Comments

2011 is almost over and I would like to add to my list of people I will no longer accept letters from.  Here are some letters that have come in over the last year that led to me to add them to my blacklist.

Dear Art,

I fear I may have lost my way.  After a decade of controlling the messaging of the Republican Party it seems that people are turning on me.  Far right blogs are starting to turn on me.  They say I’m only looking out for myself and have no interest in conservative causes.  This is insane.  I used to play these people like fiddles and now they won’t even vote for who I tell them to.  What can I do to subdue my straying flock?

-Karl Rove

Karl,

I’ve helped a lot of terrible people in this column but I have no interest in helping you.  I think it’s sublime poetry that the Republican base is turning on you.  I wish I had faith that you could pull down Fox News and the Wall Street Journal through guilt by association but I probably won’t be that lucky.  I won’t be helping you.  Please disappear from politics forever.  No, not that.  I would be afraid if you were suddenly invisible.  Please be frequently in the public eye but widely mocked by your own base.

Dear Art,

My marriage is falling apart.  The tabloids are widely reporting that I have been cheating on my wife, Demi Moore.  I worry this will do a lot of damage to my reasonably clean public image.  I mean, sure I’m the guy from Punk’d but I’ve never been known as a drunk or a drug addict and now I’m a cheater and a lousy guy.  Will this destroy my career?

-Ashton Kutcher

Ashton,

Go Away.  I think Justin Timberlake does everything you do but he’s better at it and I almost never think about punching him in the face.  You don’t even have the sense to avoid a scandal when you got a high profile job replacing someone who flamed out in a gigantic scandal.  You’ve had two if you also account your tweet in support of Joe Paterno immediately after he was fired.  Chill out and stay out of my attention for a good long while dude.

Dear Art,

I don’t know how to feel about Kobe Bryant anymore now that he’s getting divorced.  Please help.

-Every Laker Fan

Laker Fans,

Stop.  Just Stop.  The hand wringing I’ve witnessed in this town over this is just absurd.  Los Angeles worships Kobe Bryant.  The same Kobe Bryant that went through that whole rape trial thing.  It isn’t like that accuser was his wife.  That Kobe steps out on his marriage is hardly news.  I guess this time he just couldn’t find a big enough diamond ring to make it all go away.  I don’t expect every athlete to be a role model or anything naïve like that but I think you’re a terrible parent if you let your young child wear a Kobe Bryant jersey.  Luckily, it looks like the Lakers aren’t even going to be the best team in LA this year so hopefully that will cut down on all the Kobe.  I’m done with you Laker fans.