Five Predictions of 2012 Hysteria, by Mike Gold — Brainiac On Banjo #255

December 26, 2011 Mike Gold 4 Comments

This is the time of year when they don’t take ratings, so teevee and radio fills the ozone with sundry “year’s best” and “year’s worst” lists. Seeing as how I pontificate on both throughout the year, I’m going to join in on the more tricky tradition of predicting things for 2012. As always, your comments and foresights are welcome.

Prediction 1: The Economy Is Not Going To Be The Big Issue of 2012…

… despite the media’s insistence that it should be and therefore is. Do not be fooled. The world’s longest-running reality show, The Middle East, will tap hardest into our inner Leo Bloom.

The Arab Spring is turning into Edgar Winter: things are for shit in Egypt, the military is now in charge and if they give in the Muslim Fundamentalists take over. Not good for the nation that is Israel’s greatest friend. Syria is smoldering, Iran may decide to go ahead with its nukes, Iraq is already falling apart, we’re still in Afghanistan, Pakistan is as reliable an ally as Vidkun Quisling, and the Israelis and the Palestinians can’t get along… for about two millennia.

Prediction 2: The Winner of the Iowa Primary is…

… possibly going to come in second, but he’ll be seen as the winner anyway, forcing both the media and the Republican Party to take Ron Paul seriously at last. For maybe three weeks.

The story will be about Paul because the Republican National Committee is scared shitless of the crazy li’l fuck and because the media could never take him seriously. Oh, and because his son is an idiot. Well so is Ron, but he talks about stuff people can relate to. Not Republicans and not Democrats, but people. Unfortunately, then Ron babbles some Libertarian Fundamentalist dogma and he gets blown off again.

Prediction 3: The Winner of the Republication Nomination Will Be…

… Mitt Romney. Yeah, that’s a no-brainer, but my reasoning might surprise you. Obama’s victory on the two-month middle class tax break extension wasn’t a victory for Obama anywhere near as much as it was a defeat for the Tea Party. The GOP finally realized the Tea Party’s stridency makes them unelectable. As the Baggers have only token presence in the Senate, it started there. The House had no choice but to go along, hoping voters won’t remember anything of all this by November. However, they will be reminded – in two months. Go figure.

Sadly for the Republican late-bloomers, it will be too late… because…

Prediction 4: The Next President of the United States will be…

… the same guy who’s on the job right now. Mitt Romney is damaged goods, he’s got all the charisma of John Kerry with none of the wit, he flip-flops like Doctor Mudd in the breeze, and goddamnit, some people can’t get past the magic underwear. Obama, on the other hand, has a lousy economy, hasn’t been able to get anything through the Republican House, is way too conciliatory, was born on Mongo and is black.

But the independents – whose ranks have grown 14% thus far – are tired of all the bullshit. They’re tired of the birthers, they’re tired of the Socialism hysteria, they’re very very tired of Congressional roadblock and while they might not like some of Obama’s ideas (me, too), they hate the Republican “just say no to everything” approach to government even more. He’s been less conciliatory – note the tax break extension and, while it still sucks, the economy is getting noticeably better. As we said back in 1972, why change dicks in the middle of a screw?

And hell, we survived with a half-black Commander-In-Chief and his full-black attractive First Lady; that ain’t a bugaboo to quite as many voters as it was in 2008.

Prediction 5: One Insane Law Will Change…

… but this one only affects us in Connecticut. I’ll share. In this state, if Christmas and New Year’s fall on a Sunday, the one day of the week when all liquor sales are illegal, then stores can’t sell beer and alcohol the following Monday either. Look, I don’t drink alcohol and even I think that one is beyond ridiculous. I’d like to blame it on Joe Lieberman but it’s too stupid even for him. It will be changed.

Tune in 52 weeks from now and we’ll see how it all turned out. Assuming they haven’t unplugged the Internet by then.

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Freelance Soothsayer Mike Gold does some sort of Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind rock’n’blues show that streams four times a week on www.getthepointradio.com and is also available at that same venue on demand so listen to it already! He also joins Martha Thomases and Michael Davis as a weekly columnist at www.comicmix.com, where he pontificates on matters in four-colors.