After the Gold Rush, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise | @MDWorld

February 8, 2014 Martha Thomases 3 Comments

The Winter Olympics take place this week.  I won’t be watching, not only because I oppose Russia’s anti-gay laws (remarkably similar to what some conservatives want to impose in our own country), but its human rights record in general.  And also, I hate to watch sports on television.  Even when the competition might be interesting, the commentary by our nationalistic jingoist journalists makes me want to scream.

The events at the Winter Olympics have very little to do with the way I live.  I mean, I get running marathons and cycling and even gymnastics as skills that make life better.  But skiing?  Bi-athalons?  These have nothing to do with the way we live now.  And by we, of course, I mean me.

Therefore, I propose new, urban events for this quadrennial event, games that have more to do with the way people really live.

•  Competitive Ice-walking.  Olympic ice-skaters are so limited.  They skate on a rink where the ice is always smooth, level, and frozen.  And they have skates.  In this event, one must traverse sidewalks with different kinds of concrete squares, some more slippery than others.  One must watch out for cracks and slopes and strollers.  Extra points for doing it in heels.

•  Corner climbing.  Olympic skiers only go downhill or, at best, cross-country.  In this event, competitors need to scale the massive pile of snow, salt, sand, dog poop, dead pigeons and melting sludge that accrues on the corner of city cross-walks after the snow-plows have swept by.  Extra points for doing it with the afore-mentioned stroller.

•  Icicle dodging.  Like being on the receiving end of the javelin toss, urban athletes must navigate across town not only looking both ways when crossing the street, but also watching the skies.  As soon as the temperature climbs above freezing after a major snowstorm, icicles form and then drop from high atop skyscrapers.  No medals are awarded in this competition, but the losers receive a respectful funeral.

•  Team street-crossing.  It’s the cabs against the pedestrians in this action-packed competition, as one side tries to cross the street on foot without sinking into a puddle as deep as Lake Erie, while drivers try to splash them without losing control of the car.  Judges award points on style, but also by examining the teams for signs of dents, wet pants or doping.

•  Outerwear machismo.  It’s easy to get through an urban spring, summer or fall with an average coat.  Winter, however, provides special challenges.  Is the coat rugged?  Does it show one’s gym body, or has the competitor wussed out with down?  Will the wearer be able to get into a nightclub in the Meatpacking District?  Is it made with cruelty-free, sustainable local materials by American workers paid a living wage?  Judging will be held in Williamsburg, and, again, extra points for high heels.

• Plow whining.  It is a law of physics that all streets cannot be plowed simultaneously, with the corollary that therefore some areas will be plowed before others.  Some streets will be first, and some will be last.  In this game, teams will be judged not only by the speed at which they voice their complaints, but also for the artistry and agility of the conspiracy theories they devise to explain their situation.  Staten Island, the reigning champion, may sit out this year’s battle in protest over a recent change in the rules which requires them to explain why anyone would choose to live in Staten Island.

Media Goddess Martha Thomases didn’t watch the Super Bowl either.