A Plague On Both Your Houses, by Mike Gold – Brainiac On Banjo #379 | @MDWorld

If you were to conduct a survey that tried to determine which groups of people are the most hated right now, you’d doubtlessly select “Muslims” for that vaunted “11,” right?

You would be correct, but for you Jews out there, never fear. You’re still an “11.” The Czar retired that jersey number for you-all a long, long time ago.

As it turns out, acts against Jews and Muslims seem to be reaching a post-WWII height. Go know, as they say in Hymietown. You’d think that with the Muslims targeted as part of our 9-11 paranoia, they’d have a solid lead. You’d think that, with almost all American politicians supporting Israel and even the Tea Party using support for the Jewish State as part of their lengthy litmus test, American Jews could bask a bit in the nurturing spotlight of support.

And you’d be wrong. So-called hate crimes against both groups have skyrocketed in the past several months. Even in Hymietown, hate crimes against these two groups have more than doubled this year.

Let’s start with Pat Robertson. Sure, the guy is older than Methuselah, but his views and values haven’t changed much since he ran for President back in 1988. He’s still on teevee all the time as host of The 700 Club, one of the very few shows to be on the air longer than The Simpsons. A former Southern Baptist minister and the son of a United States senator, last week Pat made the following comment on this show: There is a left-wing radical named Mikey Weinstein who has gotten a group about “people against religion” or whatever he calls it and he has just terrorized the Armed Forces. You think you’re supposed to be tough, you’re supposed to defend us, and you’ve got one little Jewish radical who is scaring the pants off of you.

Wow. There’s a lot going on there. First of all, Mikey Weinstein is not in a group called “people against religion.” He’s with a group called “the Military Religious Freedom Foundation.” Whereas he, like me, has a Jewy surname, he’s actually advocating for a constitutional position that promotes atheism and not anti-theism, a substantial difference that is beyond the ken of many religionists. What Mr. Weinstein and the group to which he belongs are trying to do is to make the words

“so help me god” optional in the Air Force’s oath of enlistment.

Optional means wannabes don’t have to pledge to any hoary thunderer or cosmic muffin while they’re pledging their lives to their nation to protect us all and defend the very constitution that claims to promote religious freedom. If you want to, fine. If you don’t want to, fine. Your service should not be dependent upon your belief structure. Where’s the beef?

And why does he conflate Jewishness and an atheist position? Jews, atheists… evidently there’s no difference in Pat’s rattling brainpan.

Now let’s take the case of Robert Ransdell, a coordinator for the Cincinnati-based National Alliance, which, by the way, is a Neo-Nazi group. He’s a write-in candidate in this year’s Kentucky senatorial campaign running against Republican Mitch McConnell and Alison Lundergan Grimes.

Personally, I wish him well. I figure that – hanging chads aside – every vote for Ransdell is a vote against Creepy McConnell, the living embodiment of Willoughby the Dog. But even Ransdell admits he doesn’t have a prayer of winning. He’s just trying to get his white supremacist philosophies out in the open. That must be why he chose the snappy catchphrase “With Jews We Lose.”

Well, heck, I’m all in favor of standing up and being counted. But while you’re standing, Pat and Rob, you might as well go all the way and do that straight-armed salute that the Nazi’s think is such good stage direction. I prefer seeing the enemy coming, so let them call a schnozzle a schnozzle.

Some good can come out of this. Some Jews and some Muslims just might realize they’re all in the same boat… and that boat’s on fire.

A tip of the skullcap to Rob Reiner, Christopher Guest, Michael McKean and Harry Shearer for giving us perhaps the most enduring metaphor in the past 30 years, the one I noted in my lead paragraph. It’s about time somebody thanked these guys for that.

And while I’m at it, Willoughby the Dog is the creation of Tex Avery for the Warner Bros. cartoon Of Fox and Hounds, voiced, of course, by Mel Blanc. Has anybody ever seen Mel Blanc and Mitch O’Connell together?

Mike Gold performs the weekly two-hour Weird Sounds Inside The Gold Mind ass-kicking rock, blues and blather radio show on The Point, www.getthepointradio.com and on iNetRadio, www.iNetRadio.com as part of “Hit Oldies” every Sunday at 7:00 PM Eastern, rebroadcast three times during the week – check www.getthepointradio.com above for times and on-demand streaming information. Gold also joins MDW’s Marc Alan Fishman and Martha Thomases as a weekly columnist at www.comicmix.com

where he pontificates on matters of four-color.