Cats…and the Death Ray, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #181

August 22, 2010 Michael Davis 1 Comment

Over the last couple of months I’ve been having the worst case of insomnia known to man. When I do sleep its hours of restless slumber and then I wake up and I’m just… blah.

I HATE being blah.

Most times when I’m blah I just drown myself in my work (I LOVE what I do) and I’m OK. Lately even that has not worked. I thought maybe I was just beat; I’m working really hard, I’m recovering from Comic Con (and some REAL good brownies) and assumed that I was just having a blah moment.

I’m even OK with the insomnia. I mean all insomnia means is I can’t sleep. Big deal, most nights I don’t want to sleep. So mostly when I have insomnia I just work or read or both. I’m not doing that with my latest bout of insomnia, no I’m just kind of watching a whole lot of The History Channel.

I’m two days late on my column because I can’t really think of anything to rant about. Michael Davis without a rant is like a threesome with two guys and a girl…weak.

NOT my kind of threesome. I’m pretty open sexually but I draw the line at another penis in the room. Well, that’s not entirely true, I draw the line at another REAL penis in the room.

Will you look at that? That entire above paragraph could have been a great rant, threesomes with another guy. That’s a great rant. I should have a slew of things to say about that but instead I have…nothing.

Maybe my lack of sleep and crazy workload has just caught up to me. Maybe I am just mortal. Whatever the case, our very own Doug Abramson is responsible for the piece you are about to muddle though. Doug has mentioned a few times my use or more specifically my non use of my Death Ray. Truth be told I only bring out the Death Ray when things really bug me…you know what? Fuck it; I’m taking a shot at the threesome rant…

What GUY wants a threesome with another Gay, I mean Guy? I mean come on I’ve got…I’ve got…

I’ve got nothing.

I thought that was a good start with the Gay joke and all but I’m just not ‘feeling’ the anger.  So back to Doug’s Death Ray piece.

Cats.

WTF is up with ‘CAT’ people? Except for the sheer uselessness of cats what’s the use of having cats?  Name ONE good reason (except for rats) to have a cat.  If your one reason is that four minutes of purring on your freakin chest then I rest my case.

I once befriended an 85-year-old young woman. Her name was Denise. I met her at a Hollywood party and as usual I was SO bored as soon as I arrived there I was ready to leave. This however was MY Hollywood party, one of the many I gave while I was running the film entertainment division of Motown Records.

Aside to Keu, this is how easy LA women are, I ran the FILM & TV division of a RECORD company. EVERY day some woman thought I could produce their album. This is all I know about music, my favorite band is the Beatles, the best stage show was the Jackson Five and Frank Sinatra was the coolest Mofo to EVER step in front of a mike. I know as much about producing an album, as the Pope knows about threesomes with two guys.  Didn’t matter, all these Hollywood girls heard was blah, blah, blah, Motown.

But (sorry Peter) I digress. At this horrible bullshit, I drive a BMW asshole PARTY; Denise and I hit it off. It was a bittersweet meeting because the next week Denise was moving to New York to live with her son and his family. One of her grandkids was allergic to cats and guess what Denise had? A freakin cat.

Long story short, she talked me, (ME!) into driving her home and taking her cat to live with me. I’m a LOT of things but no matter what I stand by my word and I gave my word to take care of Denise’s damn cat. She said since it was now going to belong to me I could name it anything I wanted. You know what I named it?

Cat.

Yep, and that’s the second cat I had named cat. When my beloved June went away to college she pulled that ‘Please take care of my cat for me…blah, blah, blah.’

I named that cat, CAT also. Really.

I just don’t get cats. For one thing cat PEE is impossible to get out. It stinks to high heaven and just REEKS! Another issue is this de-clawing issue. I’m told that it’s inhumane to de-claw a cat. That may be but it’s impossible to try and get laid when your apartment smells like cat piss and all your furniture looks like Wolverine is visiting. I mean come on!

Relax PETA, I never have de-clawed a cat but that’s because I practice the ‘black people’ way of having pets. What way is that? Let’s just say if you are a ‘pet’ in a black household you will be subject to FOOT IN YOUR BUTT if you pee where you should not.

I have three dogs. ONE will rip your throat out if you dare enter my home uninvited. ‘Just one?’ You ask.

That’s all I need is one.

What will ANY cat do if someone enters your home uninvited?  The most you can hope for is the cat spraying the intruder with some cat piss or some cat ‘I’m in heat’ juice, at least then the cops (after they finish laughing at you for having a freakin cat instead of a PIT BULL) will have something their DOG will be able to track.

Dogs are good for so many things. When was the last time you saw a news report about a cat dragging his or her owner out of a burning home?  I’ll tell you when..

N
E
V
E
R

For that matter when’s the last time you heard of a cat attacking an intruder or alerting someone, anyone to ANYTHING?

“This is Roger Smith Eyewitness News. Today in South Los Angeles a home invasion robbery was foiled by the family cat. Fluffy hissed and ran under the bed so fast and so often that the members of the Yakuza ran from the home in terror. The police were able to track the suspects down because of the smell of cat urine that lead to their underground lair, in Japan. That’s some strong cat piss, back to you in the studio…”

Yeah, that will happen.

So it’s with great pleasure (really) I turn my Death Ray on CATS. If your cat vanishes or is hit by a car or overdoses on catnip (yeah, it was catnip. That’s the ticket) you may think it’s a random act but NO! It was the effect of my DEATH RAY!

BUZZZZZZZZZZ…death.

Look, don’t blame me…blame Doug.