Pleasure Bribe, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise

May 30, 2009 Martha Thomases 6 Comments

It’s been more than six months since I’ve been gainfully employed. It’s been tough, both emotionally and financially. It’s tough because I’m not the only person having this experience. While some economic indicators seem to say that the current crisis is slowing down, unemployment is still high.

The conventional wisdom isn’t working for me. I’ve spruced up my resume. I prowl the job boards. I keep in touch with those I know who have jobs and influence. I volunteer in several areas to expand my circle of contacts. My business cards are always with me. I keep myself looking like a professional.

In fact, I’m so busy trying to get a job that I don’t know if I’ll have time to get one. But that’s a problem I should only have.

My cover letter is snazzy. I study the company before my interviews so I can speak with some intelligence about the potential challenges in the job. I write sincere and witty follow-up notes after interviews. The rejections are kind (I’m over-qualified, not old). Despite my best efforts, it’s not working for me (I’m sure it’s working very well for VistaPrint).

So I have a new strategy. I’m going to start offering bribes.

No, I’m not talking about sexual bribes. Not only am I opposed to such tactics politically and morally, but it would humiliate me beyond belief to offer such a bargain and be rejected.

Instead, I’ll do something that will be a pleasure for both of us. I’ll knit something for you. Only for you. Baby, it’ll feel so good.

Already, I’ve made socks for Tatiana, who takes such good care of my copy every week, and offers moral support. Also, I’ve made socks for various people named “Mike” who have given me work. I’m working on a scarf for Kai, who mentored my resume. I’ve made a cashmere cowl (like a scarf, not a Batman costume) for my step-sister, who boosts my morale with entrepreneurial suggestions.

So help me out. An introduction to someone who is hiring will get you socks. Offer me an interview, and I’ll make you your choice of a scarf, hat or cowl. Hire me, and you get a cashmere sweater (or, if you’re allergic, another fiber of your choice).

This should work out for everyone. You will get a couture garment, made specifically for you, made to your measurements in your choice of fiber and color. Local merchants will profit from the sale of yarn, perhaps buttons and other accessories. I’ll have a chance to demonstrate my talent, persistence and efficiency.

It’s a stimulus package for those, like me, who don’t work in the building trades. And it’s a promise I will keep.

Martha Thomases, Media Goddess, would like to wish a most happy birthday to The Boy.