200 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall…, by Michael Davis – Straight No Chaser #200

December 31, 2010 Michael Davis 37 Comments

…take one down, pass it around 199 bottles of beer on the wall, take one down, pass it around 198 bottles of beer on the wall…

On long car rides that’s the song my stepfather taught my sister and I to keep us occupied.  I was six, she was ten, he was an alcoholic.

It took me years to realize what my sister and I thought was a catchy little ditty was in fact an affirmation to my step dad.

I once asked, “ What happens to the bottles after you pass them around.” I thought the bottles were being passed around like the game ‘Hot potato.’ I got stupid looks from my sister but no answer.

Years later, I was in a art class in high school when out of the blue it just hit me…you DRINK the beers!

DUH.

What kind of sick game is that to teach your kids? That’s like a singing game called ‘How many times did you stab Grandma?’

Song to the tune of, What would you do for a Klondike bar?

How many times did you stab Grandma?

I stabbed Grandma 2 times, once in the face, once in the behind!

How many times did you stab Grandma?

I stabbed Grandma 3 times, once in the face, twice in the behind!

How many times did you stab Grandma?

I stabbed Grandma 4 times, twice in the face, twice in the behind!

How many times did you stab Grandma?  Trademark & Copyright Michael Davis 2011

Who the fuck drinks 200 bottles of beer? My Stepfather that’s who. Sometimes it seemed he would drink that many in an afternoon. It’s amazing that my sister and I did not die in the back seat of one of his many cars. I can’t remember a time when he did not smell like malt liquor while driving us somewhere. To this day I can’t smell beer without flashing back to my step dad.

Ahhhh good times.

When I was a kid I remember with laser clarity the day I passed 200 in my comic collection. With that number it no longer was just about the comics, it was about the numbers. The talk among us ‘serious’ comic book collectors went from ‘What comics do you have?’ to ‘How many comics do you have?’

The book that put me over the top I had just traded my friend Julian Butler for. Fighting American was the book. Julian did not want to trade until I convinced him that Fighting American was the cheap version of Captain America, much like ‘*Skips’ were the cheap version of *Pro Keds and Pro Keds were the cheap version of *Converse and they were ALL cheap versions of *P.F. Flyers.

*Note to the uninformed all of the items mentioned above are sneakers. Hint to the uninformed, get some black friends.

Really.

Or if making friends with a Negro is not on your New Year resolutions list, buy my book; Uppity, Everything you ever wanted to know about black people but are afraid to ask. Everywhere fall 2011! Look for it at an angry black woman near you! I meant Bookstore near you…heh.

Yeah, even when I was 11 or so I was honing my skills as a dealmaker. Pretty soon after that I learned to buy 2 copies of the same book. That way I would drive an impossible bargain in a trade and still have the book I had just traded for. O.K I didn’t really BUY 2 of the same books. Most likely both books were secured under my shirt and stolen from the corner store.

What?

Yeah, I stole them. I lived in the hood and the white man was bringing drugs and malt liquor into my community so I stole from him.

What?

YES I KNEW all this when I was 11. We grow up quick in the hood! Stealing comics so I could mislead my friends was my way of getting out of the ghetto.

What?

Screw you! How many PhD’s do YOU have?

So here I am writing my 200^th Straight No Chaser and it just so happens to fall on New Years Eve.

I like New Years. If you don’t know from reading me over the last 200 S no C among other things, I’m a liberal, anal, neat freak. I like things neat and clean. I like things organized. I hate drama; I hate chaos in any form. Right now I’m looking at my keyboads on my desk while typing and have an uncontrollable urge to clean the keys…THAT’S better.

A new year means a clean slate, a new beginning a drama free environment. 200 has been a magical number in my life.

Sometimes good, sometimes not.

This is a good 200.

It’s New Years Eve, I have great things happening in 2011 and I have great friends.

What more could an anal, liberal, pro gay, pro choice, gun nut, hated by some, loved by others, neat freak, hip hop fan, Sinatra fan, Streisand fan and Asian girl lover hope for?

Really.

Happy New Year MDW Family. This may be my world but it’s because of all of you I want to live here.

…take one down pass it around…