And So, This Is Christmas, by Martha Thomases – Brilliant Disguise

December 25, 2010 Martha Thomases 16 Comments

If you are reading this on Saturday, the day of publication, one or more of the following is true about you:

You’re Jewish.

You’re alone and nobody loves you.

You are surrounded by family and friends who are simultaneously needy and inconsiderate, and you needed a few moments alone with your Internet.

And if you’re reading this later than Saturday, you’re probably bloated and guilt-ridden. You’re in no position to pass judgment on what I say.

Free column! Wheee! You can’t touch this!

Whew, that was exhausting. I’m too old to go dancing around in front of people, even if its only virtually.

For years, I agonized over what to do for Christmas. Sometimes I’d be invited to a party, but that would make me feel pitied and worthless. I would try to go to the movies, but that became too stressful when other Jews started talking about it and now everybody who is Jewish or would like to be goes to the movies on Christmas. In Peoria, this might be okay. I don’t know how many Jews there are in Peoria. In New York, however, it’s a nightmare. There are Jews everywhere. And they all want to see the movies I want to see, and they all want to talk through it. When i try to shush them, they stare at me like I’m the Gestapo.

So going to the movies just as guilt-inducing and stressful as staying home. And going to Chinatown for a traditional Christmas dinner is even worse.

Last year, I found something to do that should work again this year. I volunteered at Sloan-Kettering Hospital, for Christmas morning. I think it’s the fun version of being a Shabbos goy, since my participation allows a gentile volunteer to stay home with family. Not only that, but while everyone thinks I’m doing a mitzvah, I’m actually having the most fun.

See, when you volunteer at this particular hospital (and probably others) on Christmas, you get to help Santa. Played by a very nice man who is probably also Jewish, and assisted by two elves (who are definitely Jewish), Santa goes from door to door on the pediatric floor, giving presents to sick kids, siblings, and parents. The presents have been donated and wrapped by others, so all I have to do is give them to smiling, grateful, excited recipients. It’s the best of the holiday, without any of the guilt-inducing Jesus parts. Throw in Santa’s long story about how he discovered the best way to get his eyebrows to match his white beard (it involves butt cream), and you have yourself a good time.

If there’s a downside, it’s that I have to be there at 8:30 in the morning, and it’s a schlep from my place to the hospital. But even that doesn’t bother me, because it keeps the riff-raff out.

It’s my good time. You can’t have it. Find your own. And take your holiday spirit with you.

Martha Thomases, Media Goddess, can’t wait to see what MOTU does when his column falls on Christmas next year.